happy freakin 4th

sometimes I'm not sure we know how much we're living in the past by missing things so deeply..

I feel as though I was robbed in a way, thinking of all the wonderful experiences I will miss out on by not having robert in my life. I miss him so much. the friendship we had, the closeness. the way he genuinely cared. the way he knew me..

I feel betrayed by james for the way he acted yesterday.. the things he accused me of.. saying I used him, calling me a liar, an emotional slut. after a year of a rocky friendship, I still kept him closer than most people.. & for him to show who he really is yesterday, this bitter, angry person.. so quick to lash out by saying & doing the things he knew would hurt me the most.. as well as he claimed to know me, to understand me.. to really think I could be capable of such.. maliciousness.. turns out he didnt know me at all. I just dont even have that in me.. I miss the man I thought he was. because this hurtful, insecure little boy.. was not who I loved. asshole..

how does one keep up hope for humanity when nothing/nobody is who they appear or present themselves to be..

I will always want for things to be as they were with both of them. when we were at our best. sure I have associates, people that I can be real & comfortable with.. but when you see these people maybe once every few months, never text or call.. are those really friends? with my 2 best friends bruce & aaron both across the states... idk.. I feel like when james & robert left they took pieces of me with them.. is that normal? I 'spose it may be..

I'm still fighting feeling discarded from my last relationship. I mean, he was my best friend. how does one go from talking for hours on end every single night for months.. to nothing.. like the absence of my presence was left to be unnoticed. like I was never even there.. I'm tired of feeling like it always matters more to me than the other person. it still hurts..

I deserve better than that..

life: in progress.

I am more than what I've been branded as..

my life is constant shift these days. but chaos serves evolution right.?. I must always remember I know nothing. I am but a collective experience of the universe & I should be so thankful she chooses to speak through me. I am a guide & a student. infinite. I will shed preconceived notions of how I think things should be & remember life is happening for me, not to me.

'kill the father' ~ jim morrison

time warp.ed

I feel at war with my heart over what it wants & what it deserves..

he came to see me last night. his presence has been quite the comfort since my breakup. its been such a wonderful distraction. he's made me feel amazing. they say laughter is the best medicine.. & being with him is freeing..

last night as we lay on my couch watching a movie I found myself in the oddest of places in my head. he was on the other side, head rested on a pillow. all my mind could think in that moment staring at him was 'robert used to use that pillow.'. & suddenly there was a flood of memories that seemed to be infinite.. why did it even bother me at all? I couldnt figure it out then & today I'm still not sure what to make of it. all I know is I felt like this moment was intruding on my hearts territory, its memories.. granted nothing about him being here felt wrong. but now I see I viewed it almost as a child who had lost a parent. eventually the other parent moves on, finds the courage to love again. & this new interest moves in the house only to take the place of everything that had previously belonged to someone else. when from a child's view, they had no right to do so.

its like my heart doesnt want to move on, though I am & have accepted things for what they are.

here I have a man that could seemingly give me everything & all my heart can do is see him as some intrusive step-parent. or so it seems..

not that this changes anything.. but I need a place to sort & put these thoughts..



'one day I will teach my heart to sing the melody of another love instead of the static lullaby of regret I've branded on my tongue for you..'

...

I was gonna post something like

if I don't feel I can truly feel myself with anyone, does that mean I have to be myself, with myself..more?

then I remembered, if anyone read it & did care, I'm sure theyre tired of poor little broken hearted dark girl. searching for herself, sense of belonging & peace.

I'm tired of her.


embrace your quirks. they make you unique & precious. what if I dont want to feel so unique?

fuck it. internalize. whatever.


it was odd to see him yesterday. in all honestly I look back now & feel like a little frightened child running from my emotional schoolyard bully. now it seems almost like a dream. the one person I had loved more than anything, he knew me. not like anyone else does. & all I could do turn & walk away in fear. half hoping he didnt see me. like he would know it was me & I could be so casual to just wave & be all 'just stoppin by cuz I was around the area' with him as it seems after everything he actually could be with me..


I'm tired of being the only one that gives a shit.





even after I shut everything else out, this will forever be the one place I can hope to put my thoughts & feelings & have them mean something, to someone, anyone, one day.

...everyone has to have some kinda of blind faith..right? ?


...

all I want is just one person to spend the rest of my life with. & even more than that.. a best friend. maybe I made the mistake of wanting both of those from the same person. but I thought thats what a partner was supposed to be?.. being a person that has a hard time connecting with most, when I found a lover in my best friend a part of me died along with the relationship. or maybe its just in hibernation, evolving.. so... if more than one person in your life (3) tells you that you get too attached to people whos to say theyre right. & fuckin shit whats the matter with being attached to someone who was supposed to be right there with you? & since when does being in love & being hurt over things make you too attached? maybe I'd save myself some grief to start thinking maybe nobody will ever see things like I do.

I write this now cuz with the loss of my best friend I'm feeling a bit lost myself. no one knew me like he did. so why does it make me feel so out of sorts to not have someone to share the deepest parts of myself with? I'm not looking for that closeness to know I'm ok. its more than just wanting to spend my time with someone. I want to share everything about me with someone who can appreciate it. to be uplifted. to find someone who frees me. as I write this I question if these are things I need to be doing for myself. & its not like that, its not for validation purposes. maybe I just dont want to feel so alone in the world. I just want someone to get me.

everyone is so caught up in their lives & has hardly any time. it feels like the deepest parts of me are just to be locked away never to be found again.

all I want to do is live, love. to be loved, to be in the present, just be. how do you enjoy the present with the people in it without being concerned itll never be more than that. I'm so tired of the bullshit shallow interactions. idk how I got these ideas of people being around all your life. too much tv as a child maybe.

everybody comes & goes only to serve their purpose in the moment. like life happening for you, not to you.

I'm tired of feeling like the only one in the world that has these values. & that, is what makes me feel so alone.

one of the last times I saw my ex he said to me 'youre naked before you even take your clothes off.' ....

this past week or so is the best I've felt since everything happened. I've been happy, felt alive.

the idea of being completely exposed to someone is more terrifying than I ever imagined. but he was right. who I am now.. is completely naked. the parts like this, the ones that hurt that I dont want anyone to see, theyre there, open in my eyes & even with as protected as I try to keep myself.

it seems like the world has forgotten how to be honest, to be real. everyone is so surface level, hiding behind their masks. its safer that way I spose. people harden.

sometimes I wish I could. maybe the idea of putting myself out there for love wouldnt be so.. .... ...makes me feel like the bubble boy. too fragile maybe. too open & too honest & too real. never thought I'd look at it as being too real..

I'm feeling so vulnerable & pretty scared at how easily my heart could be crushed again..

tonight is the first time I cried over everything in a while.. ok maybe a week or so. hell its hard to remember how long it was ago.. I just kinda pushed it all away to be able to deal. as hard as it is tonight to be back in this place I know it wont last. it helps me to let go & move on. & in a way, the tears are freeing..

what I want & what I deserve.

my heart is fucking breaking here.. I say breaking instead of broken cuz every morning I wake up all I want to do is cry. in mourning for my friendship, for my relationship, my heart.. in mourning for the person I thought he was.. I've grown weary of spending my days alone.. & have begun to wonder whats healthier, whats more important.. a no longer friend suggested one day I needed to learn to love whats good for me. maybe he was right.. maybe this ethereal connection I've felt was all something I manifested because of my emotions. my ex says it was real cuz he felt it too, but if it was real, how in the fuck do you just flip a switch & shut it off? cuz thats what he did. completely shut himself off to me romantically just like that. self preservation or not, thats not something you do when you love someone. or should be capable of doing anyway. oh wtf, maybe I'm wrong. seems all I've ever been is wrong when it comes to love. I dont want to be alone anymore, I want someone to share myself & my time left on this earth with. theres a part of me inside dying at the thought of ever being with someone else, let alone with someone I didnt feel all those things with. but if this new man loves me, cares for me.. how much more do I really need, right?? ... I guess one of the perks of dating someone cold enough to just shut themselves off like that is you're able to learn how do to it for yourself. I hope the learning comes fast.. I cant keep waking up & bursting into tears cuz of him. cuz I miss him.. love him... or at least, the man I thought he was.. it hurts so much I can feel it physically in my chest.. somewhere in me it hardens, becomes numb, & breaks me just like it did him.. if these feelings I'm having are the reason people shut themselves off & become numb to their hearts, I spose I understand..

theres a part of me that has the universe to give to the right man.. & I feel I deserve that in return.

I hope that part doesnt die off completely. though honestly.. I'm sure it'd be less painful if it did..

I'm still in love with him. I realized that today. but I can barely admit it to myself let alone to him. idk maybe it makes me nervous how easy it is/was for him to go from loving me, to leaving me.. & now loving me again like theres no way he could ever do anything but love me.. he says hes in no hurry & he'll prove himself to me.. (as he should)

they say you never know how strong you are til its the only choice you have.

truth is I'm probs way needy right now. yes lets play the 'poor me everyone leaves' card as one so likes to refer to it as. I've become closed off to everyone. ..I probably need more reassurance than hes able to give, once again. I feel so alone..

loving him means I risk having my heart broken again. I've already lost my bff over it. so question is.. is it worth it?..




..tonight I'm looking for reasons to exist.

sometimes I become a little embarrassed splaying my soul here.. my emotions & fears. love & insecurities. I mean, I started this for me.. but then I remember..its not like anyone pays attention anyways. so when it comes to posts like this I'm thankful I guess.

sever.ed stitches

so.. I'm the only one who seems to understand this.. ethereal like energy that comes from being in love.? from a magnetic pull between the two of you that connects you to the universe? it exists in meditation.. spiritual ascension & connection to the source.. so why not in love? why is that such a crazy idea? maybe its a different kind of love. hell maybe it surpasses any kind of definition of the emotion. lord knows our relationship or w/e the fuck that was did. or at least I thought it did. so does that mean I'm out of my mind or that people just dont get it.?

I guess that begs the age old question.. if you've never seen something like unicorns or even the christian idea of a messiah how do you know its real. blind faith maybe. some people need that to hold onto. but sometimes you just know. ... like how I know that even if I spend the rest of this mortal existence believing in something I know w.o. a doubt is real though never having chance to see it I still couldnt let go of the beliefs I have in love. because I feel it, someone out there has to, too.

no matter how broken it makes me feel at times.

people say I set myself up for failure..



I miss him so much

left screaming.

theres some kind of tragic irony in the fact that every time you get your heartbroken its like tiny little razor blade tornados swirling through the veins of your soul. to your fucking core & you think theres no possible way anything could ever hurt more than this.. until you find the guy thats like, the one. after you thought the last one.. was the one. & hes maybe a combination of fear, self preservation hiding in his little closet of pain where nobody can get to him. if you love this person,to the depths you like you didnt think you could love anyone & theres just a chance that they could change their mind would you take it? your hearts already on the chopping block & theres nothing left to lose right? for love. I dont think its even been two weeks & its been suggested I'm dwelling. is that the same thing as risking this? if he can look me in the face & tell me he doesnt love me.. then I walk away.

I'm doing what I feel is right even if nobody agrees.

what is it about the human condition that causes us to crave emotional pain? & what happens when in doing so it becomes a sabotaging of one's self? is a reconditioning of mind in order? what if upon awakening we discover our strife is all self inflicted? pain is inevitable. suffering is optional.

...

I 'spose I dont mind the pain so much. it reminds me I'm still alive..

no one has ever shaken me quite like this..

was it worth it?

the chances we took for the love we made? I cant fight this sinking feeling in my chest. the second my mind returns to the thought of what happened I break down. I can barely function through the day it hurts so damn much.. was the hope of a future with this man worth the friendship I've lost..?

I just.. idk..

I feel so stupid. wtf. I'm going to ruin my relationship, one of the best things thats ever happened to me if I cant move on. why cant I just let it go.. I must be one of the worst girlfriends ever..

3 years & 3.000 miles

I feel like I'm at a growing point in my life. though terribly confused & constantly unearthing buried emotions.. I have been blessed with the love of an amazing man. a man who is & can give me more than I ever hoped for in a partner, in life. he's everything I could ever dream. so what could possibly be wrong? turns out somewhere inside me it seems I still have hurt connected to my ex.. normal I'm sure.. we only just starting talking recently after a blowout that had left me feeling like I never wanted to speak to him again. I've been able to move past alot of pain. I can look at & refer to him as my friend instead of my ex. but apparently theres something there I'm not quite sure how to label. we're best friend status. he wanted to add me again on FB but I declined after finding the woman he's in love with is also on his page. whats so bad about this? I didnt know but it bothered me. I didnt want see them talking. know anything about her. see her picture. what if she was prettier than I am?.. it felt like it would be crushing & all I knew was the idea of any of that bothered me, enough to still hurt. I couldnt figure out why until my bf pointed out to me that I was jealous. 'jealous?' I scoffed... ....holy hell. ...I am jealous.

'why god, why?!' over 3 damn years of being in love with my ex, 2 breakups & numerous heartaches.. all I want to do is be done with it. I've finally found the perfect man for me. mind you any lesser man would have bolted at the news of his love being jealous over her ex's new flame. but this one... words will never be able to describe how incredible he is, what his heart & love mean to me. I've been waiting my entire life to find a love like this. so why in the hell would I be jealous? am I upset that my ex loves her the way I wanted so desperately for him to love me? maybe. probably. I dont know.. I do find peace in knowing my last relationship could never compare to my current one. my love nurtures my mind, heart & soul. not something I could say before. but as my bf said to me, if I cant find a way to work past my feelings & hurt from my last relationship then we dont have a shot in hell.

I love my boyfriend. to the depths of me I never imagined possible & I want to shout it to the world. how horribly clique I know. I know no words will ever compare to my emotions. this noted, dear universe, bring me solace in my pain. let me move forward. let me make my love a gift to the world as it has been a gift to me.

oh my..

I am seriously glowing with all the attention my poetry is getting.. reposted by some of the biggest names on twitter & I'm being noticed. overwhelming, yet so exciting. *beaming*

replay.

I'm in love with dream of who I want people to be.

sever.ed stitches

I'm beginning to wonder exactly how much of being in love is created in our own minds. they say you cant help who you love. I wonder if you can? far be it for me to claim I know anything about love these days except for how I believe its supposed to feel. lately I've fallen in love with the idea of being in love, with being wanted. once again stemming from my feelings of rejection from my last relationship. an infatuated affection from someone makes me feel so amazing I start to think I have feelings for them. but this only lasts a few days, maybe a week or so.. how did I become so focused on love when its the last thing I want to focus on. seems my heart has a mind of its own..

I know now that I am ok with being alone, that I dont need a relationship for approval of self or any kind of validation, I'm not codependent. maybe it comes from my introversion, only being able to connect with very few.. maybe its just a want to be wanted. thats why I wonder if these new feelings I'm having are just a manifestation of that. maybe its made me feel so good to be endlessly adored & loved by someone that I've created these feelings in my head. I say this only because had you asked me last week how I felt about this person I would have answered 'he's wonderful but I dont feel he can give me what I need intellectually, spiritually & emotionally.' but today we havnt spoken in 2 days, & it feels very different. I miss him more than I ever expected to.

so when do I get to find out if any of the feelings I have for anyone are real or not? stupid fucking heart..