Saturday, April 30, 2011


It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten
What the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them

As the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping
Through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten
There is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
And there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
But seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you
Like walls that we just can't break through until we disappear

So tell me now
If this ain't love then how do we get out?
Because I don't know

That's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save

That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have

But the day pressed on like crushing weights
For no man does it ever wait
Like memories of dying days
That deafen us like hurricanes
Bathed in flames we held the brand
Uncurled the fingers in your hand
Pressed into the flesh like sand
Now do you understand?

So tell me now
If this ain't love then how do we get out?
Because I don't know

That's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save

That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have

1000 miles away
There's nothing left to say
But so much left that I don't know
We never had a choice
This world is too much noise
It takes me under
It takes me under once again
I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no

So tell me now
If this ain't love then how do we get out?
Because I don't know

That's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save

That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have

I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no
that moment you realize what you wanted isnt what you deserve..

I refuse to settle for anything less than what I'm willing to give.
my love for you is slowing dying..

Friday, April 29, 2011

one of the last times I saw my ex he said to me 'youre naked before you even take your clothes off.' ....

this past week or so is the best I've felt since everything happened. I've been happy, felt alive.

the idea of being completely exposed to someone is more terrifying than I ever imagined. but he was right. who I am now.. is completely naked. the parts like this, the ones that hurt that I dont want anyone to see, theyre there, open in my eyes & even with as protected as I try to keep myself.

it seems like the world has forgotten how to be honest, to be real. everyone is so surface level, hiding behind their masks. its safer that way I spose. people harden.

sometimes I wish I could. maybe the idea of putting myself out there for love wouldnt be so.. .... ...makes me feel like the bubble boy. too fragile maybe. too open & too honest & too real. never thought I'd look at it as being too real..

I'm feeling so vulnerable & pretty scared at how easily my heart could be crushed again..

tonight is the first time I cried over everything in a while.. ok maybe a week or so. hell its hard to remember how long it was ago.. I just kinda pushed it all away to be able to deal. as hard as it is tonight to be back in this place I know it wont last. it helps me to let go & move on. & in a way, the tears are freeing..
I may forget the things you said but I'll never forget the way you made me feel..
its funny how you can wake up one day & feel like you're just learning how to breathe.. what a beautiful thing..

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

I'm learning to be thankful for every experience I've had. life is happening for me, not to me..

Monday, April 25, 2011

“I want a soulmate who can sit me down, shut me up, tell me ten things I don’t already know, and make me laugh. I don’t care what you look like, just turn me on. And if you can do that, I will follow you on bloody stumps through the snow. I will nibble your mukluks with my own teeth. I will do your windows. I will care about your feelings. Just have something in there.” ~ Henry Rollins
'The greatest irony of life is loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone after that person walks out from your life and sometimes you think you’re already over a person but when you see them smile at you, you’ll suddenly realize that you’re just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love; love is always present. It’s just the one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little as we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that’s the reason why the heart is not always right. Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love only to discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. Here’s a piece of advice: let go when you’re hurting too much, give up when love isn’t enough and move on when things are not like before. There is someone out there who will love you even more, surely then, you will know true love.'

Sunday, April 24, 2011

my soul had made a promise his heart couldnt keep..

Ani DiFranco - Done Wrong

and before it gets so cold
that the rain turns to snow
there's just a couple things
i'd like to know

like how could you do nothing
and say, i'm doing my best
how could you take almost everything
and then come back for the rest
how could you beg me to stay,
reach out your hands and plead
and then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as i agreed

it just all slips
away so slowly
you don't even notice till you've lost a lot
i've been like one of those zombies
in vegas
pouring quarters into a slot
and now i'm tired
and i am broke
and i feel stupid and i feel used
and i'm at the end of my little rope
and i am swinging back and forth
about you

before it gets so cold
that the rain turns to snow
there's just a couple things
i'd like to know

like how could you do nothing
and say, i'm doing my best
how could you take almost everything
and then come back for the rest
how could you beg me to stay,
reach out your hands and plead
and then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as i agreed

Saturday, April 23, 2011

“My tongue will tell the anger of mine heart, Or else my heart, concealing it, will break.” ~ William Shakespeare

Friday, April 22, 2011

Om Shanti ♥

This is ambigrambic design (meaning it is the same upsidedown) of "OM" - the religious symbol that identifies Hinduism. It is a symbol for God, and commonly heard at the end of prayers in the phrase "Om Shanti Shanti Shantihi" (Om Peace, Peace, Peace). This design incorporates that closing phrase in a way that shows that OM... rises above the chaos (depicted using ink splatter and multiple layers) and brings peace. Om is the sacred sound of the universe, that which created all, shanti is peace. It is basically a prayer for peace.

Om! — This syllable is this whole world.

Its further explanation is: –
The past, the present, the future — everything is just the word Om.

And whatever else that transcends threefold time — that, too, is just the word Om.

Om is therefore a sound symbolizing reality. It represents everything in the universe, past, present, and future. It even represents everything that is outside of those three times. It therefore represents both the mundane world of time in which the mind normally functions, and the world as perceived by the mind that is awakened and that experiences the world timelessly. It represents both enlightenment and non-enlightenment.

You could regard Om as being the equivalent of white light, in which all of the colors of the rainbow can be found.

One Sanskrit-English dictionary says the following:

"A word of solemn affirmation and respectful assent , sometimes translated by ‘yes, verily, so be it’ (and in this sense compared with Amen); it is placed at the commencement of most Hindu works, and as a sacred exclamation may be uttered at the beginning and end of a reading of the Vedas or previously to any prayer; it is also regarded as a particle of auspicious salutation [Hail!];

Om appears first in the Upanishads as a mystic monosyllable, and is there set forth as the object of profound religious meditation, the highest spiritual efficacy being attributed not only to the whole word but also to the three sounds A, U, M, of which it consists."

Shanti (Śānti)

Shanti (Pali: Santi) simply means "peace". It’s a beautiful meaning and also a very beautiful sound. The shanti is repeated three times, as are many chants in Buddhism. In Buddhism as well as in Hinduism the threefold Shanti is generally interpreted as meaning the Threefold Peace in body, speech, and mind (i.e. peace in the entirety of one’s being).

Hindu teachings typically end with the words Om shanti shanti shanti as an invocation of peace, and the mantra is also used to conclude some Buddhist devotional ceremonies.

Peace in Buddhist practice

Simply knowing that the word “shanti” means “peace” doesn’t get us very far. We need to learn how to cultivate peace in our lives. Meditation — especially mindfulness meditation and lovingkindness meditation — is a simple tool for helping us find peace.

In Buddhist practice śānti, or peace, primarily means inner rather than outer peace. Through practice it’s possible to cultivate a still mind even in surroundings that are anything but tranquil.

It’s definitely helpful to have peaceful surroundings for the development of meditative states of mind, but if one cultivates a mind that is completely nonreactive then it’s possible to peacefully accept the presence of noise and bustle around us.

In the long-term, however, some external quiet is well-nigh indispensable for the arising of deep mental tranquility, and so meditators frequently seek out quiet places for their practice.

To say that inner peace is what’s important doesn’t mean of course that we can be internally peaceful and yet caught up in all kinds of arguments and fights. It simply means that it’s not possible for us to be in harmony with others unless we’ve learned to develop harmony within our own minds.

Śānti, or inner peace, arises when the mind has let go of both grasping and aversion. For this reason the Buddhist path of practice is known in Pali as "santimagga" (Sanskrit: śāntimarga) or The Path of Peace, as expressed in the famous Dhammapada verse, "Santimaggam eva brūhaya" — Cultivate this very Path of Peace.
Peace as the goal of practice

"Santi" is commonly used in the Pali texts as a synonym for Nirvana, the goal of Buddhist practice. Meditation and other Buddhist practices can therefore be thought of as the "Path to Peace." Nirvana is the ultimate in inner peace, and literally means the complete extinction of inner turmoil.
Peace and lovingkindness

Shanti and metta (lovingkindness), or lovingkindness, are closely associated. In another verse from the Dhammapada, the Buddha says:

Mettāvihārā yo bhikkhu
pasanno Buddhasāsane
Adhigacche padaṃ santaṃ
saṅkhārāpasamaṃ sukhaṃ
(Verse 368)

Which means:

The bhikkhu who dwells in loving-kindness,
who trusts in the Buddha’s Teaching,
attains to that state of peace,
the blissful fading away of conditioned things.

Lovingkindness helps us to still the mind by letting go of conflict. As I’m sure we’re all aware, our hostile or defensive reactions to others are a major source of inner turmoil, and the cultivation of lovingkindness helps us to be more compassionate and less reactive. The “blissful fading away of conditioned things” refers to the mind becoming purified of the delusion, aversion, and grasping tendencies that distort our view of the world and prevent us from experiencing true happiness.
Peace is the essence of the spiritual life

In yet another Dhammapada verse, the Buddha says that it’s by practicing peace, rather than by adopting the clothing, trappings, or lifestyle associated with "being religious" that one lives a truly spiritual life:

Alaṅkato ce’pi samaṃ careyya
santo danto niyato brahmacārī
Sabbesu bhūtesu nidhāya daṇḍaṃ
so brāhmaṇo so samaṇo sa bhikkhu.
(Verse 142)

Which means,

Though well-dressed [i.e. not wearing the rags of a religious practitioner],
If he should live in peace, with restraint and self-control, living with pure ethics,
Laying aside violence towards all living beings,
He indeed is a holy one, a renunciate, a member of the spiritual community.

Taking peace into the world.

Living ethically is also both an expression of a peaceful state of being and a path to peace. In Buddhist ethical practice, this means abstaining from actions that cause harm to oneself or others. In other words, in Buddhist practice we cultivate inner peace but also take peace into the world by practicing lovingkindness and compassion, and by living ethically.

The bare minimum is trying to avoid causing physical harm through direct physical actions or through encouraging others to cause harm (the reason that I, and many other Buddhists, are vegetarians). This is the basis of the First Precept of Buddhism, which can also be expressed as practicing lovingkindness.

All the other Buddhist ethical precepts — not taking that which is not freely given; avoiding sexual misconduct; avoiding misleading speech; and avoiding intoxication — are ways of living out the first precept.

These Buddhist precepts are a key component of the Śāntimarga, or "Path of Peace."
I pray for the day my tears stop & my heart can forget..
I've been told my heart speaks in ancient languages of love. if such a thing is true I know now why van gogh cut off his ear..

maybe he should have cut out his heart instead..
I wish we'd met when I thought I could fly; when you believed in magic. I wish we'd met before the world stripped us of our innocence. ~ Heather Grace Stewart

DevilDriver: Horn Of Betrayal lyrics

What the fuck do you want from me?
It's so damn plain to see that you're not grateful
Silence takes courage
No scars, no truth but the wounds tell the story
Of what will be done for honor and glory

Silence is deafening
Does the end justify the means?
In all honesty, how do you sleep?

Silence takes courage
The horn of betrayal
Sounds loudly for the fallen
While mine eyes are worlds away

Watch cowards as they bend [Incomprehensible]
Scratch a liar, find a thief
Inside is where the demon dwells
So I bite my tongue and when it comes to you

Silence takes courage
Your heart needs amputation
Crying the get-lost blues, fuck you

Silence is deafening
The horn of betrayal
Sounds loudly for the fallen
While mine eyes are worlds away

Watch cowards as they bend [Incomprehensible]
Scratch a liar, find a thief
Through the lies and the blasphemy
You are fucking dead to me
You are dead to me

This de los muerte, this day of the dead
It turns for me celebration instead
Skull and bones, walking away from the throne
To seek another kingdom, another kingdom
Another kingdom, another kingdom

Your selfish lies
Your selfish waves of sorrow washed over me
Your selfish lies, like a sea of new memories, lies

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

at·a·vism (t-vzm)
1. The reappearance of a characteristic in an organism (biologically, culturally, creatively) after several generations of absence.
2. An individual or a part that exhibits atavism, the tendency to revert to ancestral type, the root, the source, the deadly atom.
3. Rediscovery and progression; spiritual archeology; using the wildfires of the past to light your way.


its happening for you, not to you. create your reality.
it took the death of hope to let you go..

Monday, April 18, 2011

orphans of wisdom.

I've started smoking cigarettes again..

my friend told me today I've become bitter.

when the person you love turns out to be not who you thought you knew they were.. & so drastically.. how do you become anything but bitter?

bitter is better than heartbroken..

what I want & what I deserve.

my heart is fucking breaking here.. I say breaking instead of broken cuz every morning I wake up all I want to do is cry. in mourning for my friendship, for my relationship, my heart.. in mourning for the person I thought he was.. I've grown weary of spending my days alone.. & have begun to wonder whats healthier, whats more important.. a no longer friend suggested one day I needed to learn to love whats good for me. maybe he was right.. maybe this ethereal connection I've felt was all something I manifested because of my emotions. my ex says it was real cuz he felt it too, but if it was real, how in the fuck do you just flip a switch & shut it off? cuz thats what he did. completely shut himself off to me romantically just like that. self preservation or not, thats not something you do when you love someone. or should be capable of doing anyway. oh wtf, maybe I'm wrong. seems all I've ever been is wrong when it comes to love. I dont want to be alone anymore, I want someone to share myself & my time left on this earth with. theres a part of me inside dying at the thought of ever being with someone else, let alone with someone I didnt feel all those things with. but if this new man loves me, cares for me.. how much more do I really need, right?? ... I guess one of the perks of dating someone cold enough to just shut themselves off like that is you're able to learn how do to it for yourself. I hope the learning comes fast.. I cant keep waking up & bursting into tears cuz of him. cuz I miss him.. love him... or at least, the man I thought he was.. it hurts so much I can feel it physically in my chest.. somewhere in me it hardens, becomes numb, & breaks me just like it did him.. if these feelings I'm having are the reason people shut themselves off & become numb to their hearts, I spose I understand..

theres a part of me that has the universe to give to the right man.. & I feel I deserve that in return.

I hope that part doesnt die off completely. though honestly.. I'm sure it'd be less painful if it did..

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I look into your eyes and see the whole universe not yet born. ~ Rumi

Saturday, April 16, 2011

“There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.” ~ Chuck Klosterman
'The greatest irony of all time is loving the right person at the wrong time.'

Friday, April 15, 2011

Shakespeare- He said "Oft expectation fails hits where hope is coldest, & despair most sits"
I'm hoping to find some pieces of me in between Voltaire & this bottle of whiskey.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

'you know what sucks? realizing that everything you believe in is complete & utter bullshit.'

these memories are sacred.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I can still feel you trembling in the frailty of doubts slowing crawling, clawing underneath my skin..
I forfeit any claims on my heart. I want nothing to do with it.

Monday, April 11, 2011

I love you like a dying man drowning at sea, with a hole in his raft.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I'm still in love with him. I realized that today. but I can barely admit it to myself let alone to him. idk maybe it makes me nervous how easy it is/was for him to go from loving me, to leaving me.. & now loving me again like theres no way he could ever do anything but love me.. he says hes in no hurry & he'll prove himself to me.. (as he should)

they say you never know how strong you are til its the only choice you have.

truth is I'm probs way needy right now. yes lets play the 'poor me everyone leaves' card as one so likes to refer to it as. I've become closed off to everyone. ..I probably need more reassurance than hes able to give, once again. I feel so alone..

loving him means I risk having my heart broken again. I've already lost my bff over it. so question is.. is it worth it?..

..tonight I'm looking for reasons to exist.

sometimes I become a little embarrassed splaying my soul here.. my emotions & fears. love & insecurities. I mean, I started this for me.. but then I remember..its not like anyone pays attention anyways. so when it comes to posts like this I'm thankful I guess.
if you want to be noticed you should make yourself noticeable, right?
I guess there comes a time in every existence where one has to decide whats more important, holding on or letting go. its sad really that a differing of opinions could send everything crashing down so violently.. I feel liked I've done so much damage.. & I never even meant to. so how can one give a sincere apology when they feel they've not purposely done wrong? or maybe even at least find a way to set it right.. I dont know what else to do. spose I need to face the facts, maybes theres just no way we could ever really be just friends..

Thursday, April 7, 2011

fuuuuuuuuuuck man..!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

my heart flutters at the seductive curve of his smile
to love you is to be wrapped in the infinite energies of the universe
thoughts gather like metallic thunder clouds violently crashing in his mind
his love is like a firefly in my minds eye
I can see you standing there screaming, behind the glass shards of nothingness in your eyes

Monday, April 4, 2011

my soul is craving your love like a dying man seeking a glimpse of the infinite universe in his final breath.
the uncertainty in his voice pounds like the death march of fallen angels in my ears
our love is a crack in the wall of the universes dying hope for humanity
you've poisoned my tongue with intoxicating taste of your name
I feel you in my skin.
one day I will teach my heart to sing a melody of another love instead of the static lullaby of regret I've branded on my tongue for you.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

'how many did you love before me?' ~ Isolde
'none.' ~ Tristan
'..& after me?' ~ Isolde
'..none.' ~ Tristan
'You were right. I don't know if life is greater than death. But love was more than either.'
my skin is still painted with the purple & green of his passion..

sever.ed stitches

so.. I'm the only one who seems to understand this.. ethereal like energy that comes from being in love.? from a magnetic pull between the two of you that connects you to the universe? it exists in meditation.. spiritual ascension & connection to the source.. so why not in love? why is that such a crazy idea? maybe its a different kind of love. hell maybe it surpasses any kind of definition of the emotion. lord knows our relationship or w/e the fuck that was did. or at least I thought it did. so does that mean I'm out of my mind or that people just dont get it.?

I guess that begs the age old question.. if you've never seen something like unicorns or even the christian idea of a messiah how do you know its real. blind faith maybe. some people need that to hold onto. but sometimes you just know. ... like how I know that even if I spend the rest of this mortal existence believing in something I know w.o. a doubt is real though never having chance to see it I still couldnt let go of the beliefs I have in love. because I feel it, someone out there has to, too.

no matter how broken it makes me feel at times.

people say I set myself up for failure..

I miss him so much
bury all your secrets in my skin..


to everything we thought was real..

Friday, April 1, 2011

“An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break” - an ancient Chinese belief.
can I take back my last four posts?