happy freakin 4th

sometimes I'm not sure we know how much we're living in the past by missing things so deeply..

I feel as though I was robbed in a way, thinking of all the wonderful experiences I will miss out on by not having robert in my life. I miss him so much. the friendship we had, the closeness. the way he genuinely cared. the way he knew me..

I feel betrayed by james for the way he acted yesterday.. the things he accused me of.. saying I used him, calling me a liar, an emotional slut. after a year of a rocky friendship, I still kept him closer than most people.. & for him to show who he really is yesterday, this bitter, angry person.. so quick to lash out by saying & doing the things he knew would hurt me the most.. as well as he claimed to know me, to understand me.. to really think I could be capable of such.. maliciousness.. turns out he didnt know me at all. I just dont even have that in me.. I miss the man I thought he was. because this hurtful, insecure little boy.. was not who I loved. asshole..

how does one keep up hope for humanity when nothing/nobody is who they appear or present themselves to be..

I will always want for things to be as they were with both of them. when we were at our best. sure I have associates, people that I can be real & comfortable with.. but when you see these people maybe once every few months, never text or call.. are those really friends? with my 2 best friends bruce & aaron both across the states... idk.. I feel like when james & robert left they took pieces of me with them.. is that normal? I 'spose it may be..

let your guard down. its ok to trust with everything in you, fully & completely. I know its hard not to think about all the things he could be doing when hes not around, who he could be talking to.. but dont be scared. he loves you like no one ever has. trust him. you wont regret it.

from this moment on I vow to spend my time with my nose buried in books, constantly in spiritual ascension. I promise to love myself more, be more forgiving of my flaws & imperfections. to remember storms will pass. to live & breathe love. if my life is never remembered after this mortal existence has ceased, my love & passion will be dispersed throughout the universe for the greater good of mankind..

I will love with everything in me.. no matter the risk..