I feel at war with my heart over what it wants & what it deserves..
he came to see me last night. his presence has been quite the comfort since my breakup. its been such a wonderful distraction. he's made me feel amazing. they say laughter is the best medicine.. & being with him is freeing..
last night as we lay on my couch watching a movie I found myself in the oddest of places in my head. he was on the other side, head rested on a pillow. all my mind could think in that moment staring at him was 'robert used to use that pillow.'. & suddenly there was a flood of memories that seemed to be infinite.. why did it even bother me at all? I couldnt figure it out then & today I'm still not sure what to make of it. all I know is I felt like this moment was intruding on my hearts territory, its memories.. granted nothing about him being here felt wrong. but now I see I viewed it almost as a child who had lost a parent. eventually the other parent moves on, finds the courage to love again. & this new interest moves in the house only to take the place of everything that had previously belonged to someone else. when from a child's view, they had no right to do so.
its like my heart doesnt want to move on, though I am & have accepted things for what they are.
here I have a man that could seemingly give me everything & all my heart can do is see him as some intrusive step-parent. or so it seems..
not that this changes anything.. but I need a place to sort & put these thoughts..
'one day I will teach my heart to sing the melody of another love instead of the static lullaby of regret I've branded on my tongue for you..'