Wednesday, March 2, 2011

3 years & 3.000 miles

I feel like I'm at a growing point in my life. though terribly confused & constantly unearthing buried emotions.. I have been blessed with the love of an amazing man. a man who is & can give me more than I ever hoped for in a partner, in life. he's everything I could ever dream. so what could possibly be wrong? turns out somewhere inside me it seems I still have hurt connected to my ex.. normal I'm sure.. we only just starting talking recently after a blowout that had left me feeling like I never wanted to speak to him again. I've been able to move past alot of pain. I can look at & refer to him as my friend instead of my ex. but apparently theres something there I'm not quite sure how to label. we're best friend status. he wanted to add me again on FB but I declined after finding the woman he's in love with is also on his page. whats so bad about this? I didnt know but it bothered me. I didnt want see them talking. know anything about her. see her picture. what if she was prettier than I am?.. it felt like it would be crushing & all I knew was the idea of any of that bothered me, enough to still hurt. I couldnt figure out why until my bf pointed out to me that I was jealous. 'jealous?' I scoffed... ....holy hell. ...I am jealous.

'why god, why?!' over 3 damn years of being in love with my ex, 2 breakups & numerous heartaches.. all I want to do is be done with it. I've finally found the perfect man for me. mind you any lesser man would have bolted at the news of his love being jealous over her ex's new flame. but this one... words will never be able to describe how incredible he is, what his heart & love mean to me. I've been waiting my entire life to find a love like this. so why in the hell would I be jealous? am I upset that my ex loves her the way I wanted so desperately for him to love me? maybe. probably. I dont know.. I do find peace in knowing my last relationship could never compare to my current one. my love nurtures my mind, heart & soul. not something I could say before. but as my bf said to me, if I cant find a way to work past my feelings & hurt from my last relationship then we dont have a shot in hell.

I love my boyfriend. to the depths of me I never imagined possible & I want to shout it to the world. how horribly clique I know. I know no words will ever compare to my emotions. this noted, dear universe, bring me solace in my pain. let me move forward. let me make my love a gift to the world as it has been a gift to me.

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