you know when

your sweetly adorable bf is a nerd when he makes you watch all 6 episodes of star wars & pauses them to explain things. (so cute)

but

you know you're a loner/loser when your nerdy bf is out playing a magic the gathering tournament with his friends on a friday night & you're at home, online.. cuz you have no friends. ...

o.O

(sigh)

so my niece that I worked with at my last job got laid off last week. I havnt worked in months. today she already has a job. F.M.L.

I just want to crawl in a hole & disappear.

everyone, even the bf seems to think its soo fucking easy. 'have you even tried?' he asks me. which makes me feel like even though he knows me better than anyone, not even he understands where I am right now. I've tried. I've spent hours online putting in applications for minimum wage pos jobs. for nothing. only promises of interviews that never happen.

he doesnt understand what its like to be so depressed you just become lost in this hopelessness. ...every time I've gotten my hopes up about a job I just get knocked down. I feel useless.. worthless..

the last couple days have been the best I've felt in months. only to end up here again.

'why cant you be happy with what you have?' everyone says.

some days.. I cant bring myself to do anything other than sleep. just because I dont want to face my reality.

I'm trying to create my own. the best I fucking can. but no one sees that. they all just see what I'm not doing.

he doesnt get it.. nobody gets it..

I feel like I'm drowning..

love is a fight. but sometimes it feels safer to stand at a distance so I can watch it lie on the ground bleeding & poke it with a stick.

I forfeit any claims on my heart. I want nothing to do with it.

I love you like a dying man drowning at sea, with a hole in his raft.

can I take back my last four posts?

left screaming.

theres some kind of tragic irony in the fact that every time you get your heartbroken its like tiny little razor blade tornados swirling through the veins of your soul. to your fucking core & you think theres no possible way anything could ever hurt more than this.. until you find the guy thats like, the one. after you thought the last one.. was the one. & hes maybe a combination of fear, self preservation hiding in his little closet of pain where nobody can get to him. if you love this person,to the depths you like you didnt think you could love anyone & theres just a chance that they could change their mind would you take it? your hearts already on the chopping block & theres nothing left to lose right? for love. I dont think its even been two weeks & its been suggested I'm dwelling. is that the same thing as risking this? if he can look me in the face & tell me he doesnt love me.. then I walk away.

I'm doing what I feel is right even if nobody agrees.

you were supposed to be the boy I fell in love with.. spent the rest of my life with. not this.