...

I was gonna post something like

if I don't feel I can truly feel myself with anyone, does that mean I have to be myself, with myself..more?

then I remembered, if anyone read it & did care, I'm sure theyre tired of poor little broken hearted dark girl. searching for herself, sense of belonging & peace.

I'm tired of her.


embrace your quirks. they make you unique & precious. what if I dont want to feel so unique?

fuck it. internalize. whatever.


it was odd to see him yesterday. in all honestly I look back now & feel like a little frightened child running from my emotional schoolyard bully. now it seems almost like a dream. the one person I had loved more than anything, he knew me. not like anyone else does. & all I could do turn & walk away in fear. half hoping he didnt see me. like he would know it was me & I could be so casual to just wave & be all 'just stoppin by cuz I was around the area' with him as it seems after everything he actually could be with me..


I'm tired of being the only one that gives a shit.





even after I shut everything else out, this will forever be the one place I can hope to put my thoughts & feelings & have them mean something, to someone, anyone, one day.

...everyone has to have some kinda of blind faith..right? ?


...

why does everyone find me to be the sad little dark girl?? heaven forbid I compartmentalize my emotions, choosing which of my outlets is shown where & to whom. the last few years have been insane, totally & completely unreal. I feel like I've already been through a few life times worth of emotions & experiences. but I'm in love with life, as dramatic & beautiful, tragic, chaotic as it can be. laughing = freedom.


I feel like I'm seeing things a hell of alot clearer than I ever have.

the universe continues to present me with situations that need my attention. whatever I've needed to learn I havnt yet.

I'm still in love with him. I realized that today. but I can barely admit it to myself let alone to him. idk maybe it makes me nervous how easy it is/was for him to go from loving me, to leaving me.. & now loving me again like theres no way he could ever do anything but love me.. he says hes in no hurry & he'll prove himself to me.. (as he should)

they say you never know how strong you are til its the only choice you have.

truth is I'm probs way needy right now. yes lets play the 'poor me everyone leaves' card as one so likes to refer to it as. I've become closed off to everyone. ..I probably need more reassurance than hes able to give, once again. I feel so alone..

loving him means I risk having my heart broken again. I've already lost my bff over it. so question is.. is it worth it?..




..tonight I'm looking for reasons to exist.

sometimes I become a little embarrassed splaying my soul here.. my emotions & fears. love & insecurities. I mean, I started this for me.. but then I remember..its not like anyone pays attention anyways. so when it comes to posts like this I'm thankful I guess.

oh my..

I am seriously glowing with all the attention my poetry is getting.. reposted by some of the biggest names on twitter & I'm being noticed. overwhelming, yet so exciting. *beaming*

re.written

I've never been a traditional girl. I write my own rules when it comes to matters of the heart. I am clad in a dreamer's hope, making smoke signals with my beggar's blanket, praying my love will soon follow. Gives a whole new meaning to keeping warm, doesn't it?