so if the universe gives us whatever experience necessary for the evolution of our consciousness, I have to continue to believe that every person I come across plays a certain role in that. even if their time in my life is short.

james, you saved my life. for that, the debt I owe you can never be repaid. but I'm not going to play this stupid highschooler bullshit. posting stuff on fb & personal details on blogs. its childish & I'm over it. I'm not out to hurt you. but all this 'friendship' does is hurt the both of us. its a negative energy that bruises my soul & leaves me stressed & crying more times than not. if it honestly helps you to heal from your pain to believe I'm such a terrible person who just emotionally fucked you.. then best of luck with that. but I cant have this shadow hanging over my head. true we might not have been very close in the past but all I've done is everything in my power to help you. open up my home to you.. you said when you had your accident I was the only there, worried & trying to find out if you were ok. why cant you remember these things when you get lost in the darkness of your pain, thinking all I was ever trying to do was mind fuck you. ask yourself what did I really have to gain? after that night I spent with you that I had to confess to robert about you should know that I just dont have those kinds of things in me. it wasnt cuz he had some control over me, was manipulating or threatening me. its cuz I have a conscious. especially when it comes to people I care about. you *know* this about me.

I hope one day once you get past your pain you can look back on things with you & I & find the beauty something. whether its the way it was the first time you had felt something in so long, the passion we shared, or new ideas, concepts or beliefs that were formed that benefit you in the future.

until then.. but now our time has past.

so call it me giving up. me not taking the bad with the good or not accepting you as a whole. whatever you call, I'm done with it. I wont speak badly of you. I dont think badly of you. I just know theres nothing I can do to make this any better than it is. so yea, I wanted the friend option. but when you say things like that on your fb, knowing most people close enough to you know who I am, hell even a fucking bartender you hardly know you tell about me, who said as you quoted 'she sounds fucking crazy' then yes, that makes me done.

theres a part inside of me that hurts so much for you. it hurts for all the things you think of me that I'm not. & I'll tell you after hearing things like that again & again, people constantly flipping the fuck out, thinking I'm out to get them, it fucks with your head after awhile.

I know I cant make your pain my own.

dont think I wont think of you every single day for a very long time.

I'm sorry for everything, but this is just the way it has to be.

goodbye.

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it’s yours. ~ Ayn Rand

this.

If a mind perceives without love, it perceives an empty shell and is unaware of the spirit within. ~ Eckhart Tolle

happy freakin 4th

sometimes I'm not sure we know how much we're living in the past by missing things so deeply..

I feel as though I was robbed in a way, thinking of all the wonderful experiences I will miss out on by not having robert in my life. I miss him so much. the friendship we had, the closeness. the way he genuinely cared. the way he knew me..

I feel betrayed by james for the way he acted yesterday.. the things he accused me of.. saying I used him, calling me a liar, an emotional slut. after a year of a rocky friendship, I still kept him closer than most people.. & for him to show who he really is yesterday, this bitter, angry person.. so quick to lash out by saying & doing the things he knew would hurt me the most.. as well as he claimed to know me, to understand me.. to really think I could be capable of such.. maliciousness.. turns out he didnt know me at all. I just dont even have that in me.. I miss the man I thought he was. because this hurtful, insecure little boy.. was not who I loved. asshole..

how does one keep up hope for humanity when nothing/nobody is who they appear or present themselves to be..

I will always want for things to be as they were with both of them. when we were at our best. sure I have associates, people that I can be real & comfortable with.. but when you see these people maybe once every few months, never text or call.. are those really friends? with my 2 best friends bruce & aaron both across the states... idk.. I feel like when james & robert left they took pieces of me with them.. is that normal? I 'spose it may be..

otep ~ invisible

Dress like we do,
Speak like we do,
Think like we do.

Obey..

Beneath the cold sun
Watching you walk away
Where my terror runs
In rivers so decayed

I am invisible...
I'm in this room for days...
Teeth on every wall...
That never go away.

I'm made of blades and flame...
I'm sick and dangerous...
You're my favorite prey
'Cause I hurt the ones I love.

You're so lovely when you cry.
You're so perfect when you lie.
You can be my crucifix,
Hold me up to watch me die.

Can't you see?
I'm invisible...

Beneath the Pagan moon
One more prey dies today.
On sheets of flesh and doom
Shivering in endless shade like criminals...
The stain still remains
And I promise you, it never goes away.

You're so lovely when you cry.
You're so perfect when you lie.
You can be my crucifix,
Hold me up to watch me die.

Behold,
Feast your eyes as the peripherals explode.

Can you see me now? [2x]

The ugly will resign
When the young blood eats the light.
And one day,
This pain could save your life.

You're so lovely when you cry.
You're so perfect when you lie.
You can be my crucifix,
Hold me up to watch me die.

Living in the shelter,
Lying here alive...
We're painting submission
Across the shadowed sky...

Fire on the sides,
Burned and bright, has arrived
Lost in flight, on golden molted wings.

Now do you see? [2x]

Now do you...

Now do you see?

this.. will hurt every day.. for a very long time..

well fuck me.. one day, I just wont give a shit about anyone I swear. then the next time someone walks away I wont wake up every morning wanting to burst into tears.

one day..

I miss you..

no matter how closed off I become idk that I'll ever get used to it being so easy for people just to shut me out of their lives. I think thats probably what hurts the most about all this. its just so easy to walk away & go about their lives..

when do I get to be the one that doesnt hurt over it?

I cant believe I'm surprised at how much it hurts..

its funny how people that are so afraid to be disposable are so quick to shut you out of their lives.

cutting all ties on the web, even blocking me on fb..

now whos disposable..?



you'll never have any idea of the damage you've caused..

At conflict, when reality is the nightmare..

I miss you so much.. the loss of your presence from my life is more than painfully noticeable. its all I can do to let you go & hope you find your peace.. if it was truly the last time we'll ever speak.. my heart breaks.. & I'll miss you every single damn day.. I'm sorry I couldnt be what you wanted.. I love you so much..

you were the only real friend I had left......

I think about things tonight & all I can do is wish I could take on the world of pain he has to carry on his shoulders at this moment. love can be so cruel.

...I would carry every single bit of it for you if it could stop you from hurting. you know I love you. I'm sorry.

so... when do I get to be numb?

my heart hurts.

I guess there comes a time in every existence where one has to decide whats more important, holding on or letting go. its sad really that a differing of opinions could send everything crashing down so violently.. I feel liked I've done so much damage.. & I never even meant to. so how can one give a sincere apology when they feel they've not purposely done wrong? or maybe even at least find a way to set it right.. I dont know what else to do. spose I need to face the facts, maybes theres just no way we could ever really be just friends..