I miss you Bruce.

how much do you have to constantly bleed yourself for friendship for it to be enough? my heart & my fucking soul left broken time & time again only to be asked what more I have left in me? why am I still not fighting? when is enough, enough?

I read somewhere that if youre tired of attracting the same kinds of people in your life that you need to forgive yourself for doing so.

after a while, the solitude becomes your friend.

the universe starts with a whisper.. & ends with a scream..

happy freakin 4th

sometimes I'm not sure we know how much we're living in the past by missing things so deeply..

I feel as though I was robbed in a way, thinking of all the wonderful experiences I will miss out on by not having robert in my life. I miss him so much. the friendship we had, the closeness. the way he genuinely cared. the way he knew me..

I feel betrayed by james for the way he acted yesterday.. the things he accused me of.. saying I used him, calling me a liar, an emotional slut. after a year of a rocky friendship, I still kept him closer than most people.. & for him to show who he really is yesterday, this bitter, angry person.. so quick to lash out by saying & doing the things he knew would hurt me the most.. as well as he claimed to know me, to understand me.. to really think I could be capable of such.. maliciousness.. turns out he didnt know me at all. I just dont even have that in me.. I miss the man I thought he was. because this hurtful, insecure little boy.. was not who I loved. asshole..

how does one keep up hope for humanity when nothing/nobody is who they appear or present themselves to be..

I will always want for things to be as they were with both of them. when we were at our best. sure I have associates, people that I can be real & comfortable with.. but when you see these people maybe once every few months, never text or call.. are those really friends? with my 2 best friends bruce & aaron both across the states... idk.. I feel like when james & robert left they took pieces of me with them.. is that normal? I 'spose it may be..

friendship, like the immortality of the soul, is too good to be believed. ~ Emerson

robert & I.

when I found this picture tonight it made me both happy & sad. sad for letting go in way, sad cuz I miss my friend in him. I'm at a point where I can be happy with the good memories & try to let go of the bad. pain serves me not. as freeing as that may be its still not enough for me to contact him again. ....

I dont like it tbh & normally I would never post unedited photos (couldnt get it to look right. my eyes are too squinty & it looks like I could be a beaver. :F my nose.... >< :/) but these moments were the epitome of happiness for me. (at the time) I found a freedom in his friendship. one I need to now find in myself. its that zen spot if you will. absolute being. he helped me to open up places in myself I didnt know existed. I'm learning to live in those spots..

he was a great friend, one of the best, & even after everything... I really miss that.








I add this one... cuz I can..

so... when do I get to be numb?

my heart hurts.

I guess there comes a time in every existence where one has to decide whats more important, holding on or letting go. its sad really that a differing of opinions could send everything crashing down so violently.. I feel liked I've done so much damage.. & I never even meant to. so how can one give a sincere apology when they feel they've not purposely done wrong? or maybe even at least find a way to set it right.. I dont know what else to do. spose I need to face the facts, maybes theres just no way we could ever really be just friends..

fuuuuuuuuuuck man..!

was it worth it?

the chances we took for the love we made? I cant fight this sinking feeling in my chest. the second my mind returns to the thought of what happened I break down. I can barely function through the day it hurts so damn much.. was the hope of a future with this man worth the friendship I've lost..?

there is a part of me inside thats screaming.

James

he leaves me behind my watering eyes
& breaks his secrets in the wind
against time & heart
where no one knows his pain

so..

what happens when everyone around you turns out to be not who you thought they were? & what happens when the only one left you can count on is yourself, but sometimes not even..?

I'm learning

nothing in life is for sure. & chances are there is no 'forever' but I'm willing to risk a broken heart for more than I ever dreamed was possible..

I shouldnt be surprised really.

expectation is the root of all disappointment. am I weeding out the ones who dont understand me & cant nourish me spiritually or I am just pushing everyone away..

I have been blessed..

in the darkest parts of me I wept in a silence unforgotten
it was him that set my soul free, kisses breathing emerald fire
he taught me love from ancient hymns of passion..

let me lie quiet inside his mind, in the places where habits lead to doubt
where frailty sighs in dying winds
where my heart aches for his touch
in beauty & light
forever, always

well well.

I think it hurts more than anything to know I still love him. that I still care. when 'sometimes I felt more alone than he had time for.' all these months later.. & for what really? only to be shown the same thing as when we were dating. some things (like a music career) are just more important. emotional obligation is too much for some people.. I guess no matter how close you were, when one person cares more than the other, some friendships you just cant save..

...

sick to fuckin death of fake ass selfish rude people. they say you lose the people that are wrong for you to make room in your life for more important ones.. I dont think I've ever felt more alone than I do today..