Friday, December 30, 2011

Thursday, December 29, 2011

lost in my own fragility, I must never forget how the music frees me..

Friday, December 16, 2011

I felt you in every fairytale romance, in every stolen kiss..

Saturday, December 3, 2011

“You are here to enable the divine purpose of the universe to unfold. That is how important you are!”
— Eckhart Tolle

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

“To be a good human being is to have a kind of openness to the world, an ability to trust uncertain things beyond your own control, that can lead you to be shattered in very extreme circumstances for which you were not to blame. That says something very important about the condition of the ethical life: that it is based on a trust in the uncertain and on a willingness to be exposed; it’s based on being more like a plant than like a jewel, something rather fragile, but whose very particular beauty is inseparable from that fragility.”
— Martha Nussbaum

Sunday, November 27, 2011

late nights away..

being with you, in your presence, your body in my arms.. you feed me. in ways I never knew to hunger, I find myself craving more of you.
when I woke I was always afraid of what I'd find, raising my glance to see the dead in her eyes.
“We come spinning out of nothingness
Scattering stars like dust.
The stars form a circle
And in the center we dance.”

Saturday, November 26, 2011

““Introverts are collectors of thoughts, and solitude is where the collection is curated and rearranged to make sense of the present and future.””
— Laurie Helgoe

Thursday, November 17, 2011

'and this is how you will know me, sister, among the captives:
my hair perfumed with incense smoke, how slowly i enter the vacancy of a room.
my reliquary heart.'
life is great. my complaints are few. one being the beauty of fall always leaves too fast.. & then theres my lack of writing or being creative in general..

its been quite the year. & nearing the end of it I find myself flirting with ghosts yet again. one day I'll learn that just cuz I can see the potential for the best in someone doesnt mean they are or can be that person. the shadows they cast still play tricks on my heart..

Monday, November 7, 2011

“Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.”

Sunday, November 6, 2011

(a series of weeks & months that tore at my hair, that gnashed its teeth into my hands and my heart and left holes on the other side.)

Saturday, November 5, 2011

I don't want you to love me. I just want you to see the things in me that he couldn't like a searchlight that reminds a survivor of the dawn ~ Keighley Perkins
He’s more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.
— Emily Bronte

Friday, November 4, 2011

I will remember your small room, the feel of you, the light in the window, your records, your books, our morning coffee, our noons, our nights, our bodies spilled together, sleeping, the tiny flowing currents, immediate and forever. Your leg, my leg, your arm, my arm, your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again.
— Charles Bukowski
as if I was only meant to be no more than a memory..

Monday, October 31, 2011

life goes by way too fast these days..
dear universe,
thank you.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I miss poetry, friends, time with my daughter, mom & bf. I miss my safe zones. they equal spiritual death.. I know. but it was easier. the best things in life are hard learnt, yes?

Monday, October 24, 2011

I still feel you in dead ends of yesterdays
“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening[…]Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.”
— Alice Walker

Monday, October 17, 2011

everybody feels pretty in black.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

minor deities by ness bloo


there isn't a darker name for our kind of words:
off.kilter, sacred.shaken, blasphemous.
it creates a stumbling orphan,
awake at her first funeral
and who was she besides the thud
under your fist.

the smell of sabotage

standing on an apology
made of graves.
iris, iris,
what did you
see in the stare of last

3rd attempt

that spring, he told me how.
to not fight about small things; they eventually bloom
bigger, like rosebuds, like water hitting pavement.
i said i always enjoyed storms
because they created imaginary bruises
behind eyes, like bolts of struck

like rain on my face.

the colour black

when it did strike him, years later,
he fell down alone.
he'd been
taunting death too long,
and not only in his poems.....

that lovecraftian place

i want him to not stop
but if we had gone on, if we had dared,
on sheer buoyancy, we would have entered
that lovecraftian place
where stopping
only heightens the craze;
where the point
of contact shimmers
light neither of us knows is blindness.


that was close.
they murmur, then count
off their small distances away from a drunk scene.
the swift electric current has seized.
the blue stones drowned them in their sockets.

RA and other small gods

thus the weeping endears her full
on his wide sly lips, helps her rise like a slain lamb
to more slaughter, next to the jackal.god, shaking
her mane of singed hair: what does he care.
****************** aware.
as she becomes a child repeating the bad word,
and he is a god of the senses and
he wants to ruin her.
the mind, a spotlight.
inside the spotlight............

trains and wreckage

we are smoke and metal, strange coils,
.. .. one of the shroud and one of the hurrying body.
this shape made by our turbulence finally is
a circle, collapsing and shrieking,
into the tunnel of vicious affliction.
we refuse to depart.

for once, if i can leave enough tracks,
i can hurt you back.. ...

:voice, God, simultaneous:

witness this

i chant...s low,
all joy and menace, closing in
on the debris, the bleak batik of bone
on one last expressionistic lipsplit.
nose to neck with viscosity.

and bumps, small
feminine circumferences, tight
and terrible; fingers to match a spider's
crawl, evil
in tint.

.................. .. .do i mirror you yet?

invoking latin

articulate fight.
unlearn every sound. soak it deeply.
every word i've swallowed grows, falters.
church is running late this eve.
mass held high.

ad Deum qui laetificat, juventutum meam.
no rest for the wicked,
from the needle.arm of twisted women.

i fear how you make me wind around the banister,
talking sepia over last suppers.
dies trae, dies illa. tantum ergo.

you bang my skull
against the rattling crib.backs.
not even dawn will
make you fade from me, in blacking lustre;
even the ones i love,
in rosary cheeks and breastcrackedplates
just for this brief heartbeat,
..(pectoris pello pepulli pulsum es mortuus quod frendo..)
save me.
...................meus diligo
because i fear i will fade
in your hands,
die on us,
even as you recite,
in hope of resuscitation,
my actual name.

....... mary's breath, lily.of.the.valley, bleeding heart....

how to make a saint

white.throated me
thrown down
an army of mouths.
an array of murdered cleavage.

frightfully drawn,
towards four quarters .

there is no such thing as unmartyr'd faith;
so i pray mutely in your unrepentant ears.

Friday, October 14, 2011

I miss you Bruce.
never go to sleep angry or upset for any reason. it only leaves you feeling worse the next day.

I need you on my side.

Monday, October 10, 2011

“There’s this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It’s the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.”
The dark thought, the same, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each guest has been sent as a guide from beyond.

I saw grief drinking a cup of sorrow and called out, 'It tastes sweet, does it not?' 'You've caught me,' grief answered, 'and you've ruined my business. How can I sell sorrow, when you know it's a blessing?'

The cure for pain is in the pain.

We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust.

The way you make love is the way God will be with you.
Many of the faults you see in others, dear reader, are your own nature reflected in them.

There is no worse sickness for the soul, O you who are proud, than this pretense of perfection. The heart and eyes must bleed a lot before self-complacency falls away.

~ Rumi
his breath in my ear ~ 'I love you', in soft whispers ~ my heart in his hands
I hold stars in hand ~ for you to count wishes on ~ hope your dreams come true
we must learn to stand together as one against those who threaten our freedom or all humanity will suffer the loss of heart & soul..

dear Bailey,

I'm so sorry for everything that happened tonight. I hope when you grow up these will be the memories you forget. all I have ever wanted was to do the best I could for you. to always see you happy & for you to never feel pain or know sadness. an unrealistic goal I know.. but I would save you from every second of it if I could. I love you more than anything & there is nothing more important to me than you. I'm so sorry I couldnt stop your father from keeping you from me tonight.. I promise you I will do everything in my power & will not rest until youre back with me, safe in my arms. dont ever forget how I much I love you. more than the stars, more than the universe. because you are made of stardust. you are the universe & the universe is in you. you are love(d). you are my everything.

love always,
"Take away love, and our earth is a tomb."
Robert Browning

Saturday, October 8, 2011

today has been quite the day.. & I must say, in spite of some less than favorable interactions.. I am pleasantly pleased with the direction my life is headed. its been quite the year, with the loss of several close friends, unemployment leading to depression & spiritual lacking.. things have taken a great turn.

starting my new job tuesday. its been such a long time since I've really felt like myself. this last week or so.. I 'spose I have hitting bottom emotionally to thank really. it sent me into a constant meditative state. more present than I've been in months. my spirit happier, my heart lighter..I havnt felt this good about myself in quite some time. newtons law being what it may, theres nothing that could bring me down now. I'm stronger than I ever was before. I'm looking forward to start work, regaining my independence & even starting school in a few months. the ideas I've had in my head of what I wanted my life to be only seemed like fantasy for so long.

I've found more love for myself than I've ever had in the past. I must give partial credit to the love of a wonderful man for that as well..

I'm excited for what the next few years will bring.

haters gonna hate.


What causes one to become a psychic vampire? Believe it or not, most psychic vampires tend to have many things in common. Below is a list of traits that might indicate one is a psychic vampire.

1.) Very ill or sick as a child - Many psychic vampire report an extended illness as children that robbed them of much of their childhood. During this time the individual learned to feed off of the life force of others in order to survive.
2.) Abuse - Many psychic vampires were abused as children.
3.) Depressed - Many psychic vampires suffer from chronic depression. It is believed that draining the life force of others may temporarily restore them to a better mental state.
4.) High Maintenance People - Psychic vampires tend to be very needy and ‘clingy’.

Many psychic vampires are more specialized and deserve mention simply since the term ‘psychic vampire’ is so broad. Below are specialized forms of psychic vampires.

1.) Emotional Vampire - Emotional vampires tend to be of the evil variety and manipulate people’s emotions in order to feed. For example, an emotional vampire is keen on riling a person up with anger, simply to feast on the person’s energy. Emotional vampires are very manipulative and dangerous. Unfortunately, the majority of emotional vampires are female. I suppose it might be because so many men are stunted or repressed when it comes to their emotions, which puts them at greater risk of becoming a victim of these vampy women. Those emotional vampires who are not evil tend to be the people with the motto, “Oh, Poor Me…”. They always have a sob story and desperately need people to feel sorry for them.

^note that the above piece says that only most, but not *all* emotional vampires are women..

I honestly feel sorry for these kinds of people. although rare to come in contact with, if youre not properly prepared the effect can be quite harmful emotionally as well as spiritually. they are very well what their name states. I honestly believe because of things in the past out of their control, such as abusive parents, they become these bullies in the form of an emotional vampire.

from my research I found many stones can be helpful when warding off such negative energies, though some people state only bloodstones are the ones to carry. to raise your vibrations in order to deflect harm, meditation is also key. white being the shade that is most deflective of energies, when coming into contact with an emotional vampire, envision yourself surrounded by a protective shield of white light. I would suggest to start this exercise during meditation. smudging with sage is also a great way to help clear negative energies out of a space a vampire has visited. I also smudge myself after coming in contact. one article I came across suggesting turning your body slightly as to not absorb this persons negative energies. in doing so the energies are supposedly bounced off of you & back onto them. the article states this tends to make the person even more angry. & rightfully so I would imagine, not being able to release all that negativity they are constantly living with & in. then the person will change his stance, trying to face you directly. by keeping your body ever so slightly turned you can avoid leaving this confrontation with all of their bad vibes.

Friday, October 7, 2011

sometimes I think our shadows still dance behind forgotten memories at night ~ neath innocent laughter & the tears of a shattered fairy-tale

Thursday, October 6, 2011

I've never been so.. exposed to someone before.. sometimes I feel like a frightened little child in his arms. I dont know why he loves me. he says I dont have to.

maybe one day, when I finally learn to love myself, I will.
how much do you have to constantly bleed yourself for friendship for it to be enough? my heart & my fucking soul left broken time & time again only to be asked what more I have left in me? why am I still not fighting? when is enough, enough?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I read somewhere that if youre tired of attracting the same kinds of people in your life that you need to forgive yourself for doing so.

after a while, the solitude becomes your friend.
I bloom in the darkness..
listen to me.
did you. ..
.... ..... . . ...ever once hold out for my heart?

~ Ness Bloo
two people so hopelessly in love, both scared to death of the heights they could fall from.

tragically beautiful, really..

Monday, October 3, 2011

Deadmau5: Raise Your Weapon

Rippin' my heart was so easy, so easy
Launch your assault now, take it easy
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon
One word and it's over

Rippin' through like a missile
Rippin' through my heart
Rob me of this love
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon and it's over

Love your ego, you won't feel a thing
Always number one
The pen with a bent wrist crooked king
Sign away our peace for your war, one word and it's over

Dropping your bombs now
On all we've built
How does it feel now to watch it burn, burn, burn?
Raise your weapons, raise your weapons and it's over

Rippin' through like a missile
Rippin' through my heart, rob me of this love
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon and it's over
How does it feel now to watch it burn, burn, burn?

Rippin' my heart was so easy, so easy
Launch your assault now, take it easy
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon
One word and it's over

Rippin' through like a missile
Rippin' through my heart
Rob me of this love
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon and it's over

Love your ego, you won't feel a thing
Always number one
The pen with a bent wrist crooked king
Sign away our peace for your war, one word and it's over

Dropping your bombs now
On all we've built
How does it feel now to watch it burn, burn, burn?
Raise your weapons, raise your weapons and it's over

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Saturday, October 1, 2011

true love doesnt die in the darkness. it comes crawling out on bloody hands & knees, beaten, bruised & barely breathing, but still alive

one day when you truly know love you will understand.

Friday, September 30, 2011

you had always only stuck your foot in the door when I was repeatedly slamming my heart in it

Thursday, September 29, 2011

And I, infinitesima­l being,
drunk with the great starry
likeness, image of
I felt myself a pure part
of the abyss,
I wheeled with the stars,
my heart broke loose on the wind.
― Pablo Neruda
Let me sit here on the threshold of two worlds, lost in the eloquence of silence. - Rumi

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

“If you hold back on the emotions–if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them—you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. I thought about how often this was needed in every day life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don’t let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry.. Or how feel a surge of love for a partner but we don’t say anything because we’re frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship”
— Morrie Schwartz

Monday, September 26, 2011

“But we are alone, darling child, terribly, isolated each from the other; so fierce is the world’s ridicule we cannot speak or show our tenderness; for us, death is stronger than life, it pulls like a wind through the dark, all our cries burlesqued in joyless laughter; and with the garbage of loneliness stuffed down us until our guts burst bleeding green, we go screaming round the world, dying in our rented rooms, nightmare hotels, eternal homes of the transient heart.”
— Truman Capote
its been a better couple of days.

tonight I laid curled up in his arms while he fell asleep. truth be told, I never wanted it to end. I just wanted to lay there for hours, burying myself in him.

me: I have never felt someone so totally through me. all the way to the depths of me..
him: you feel me all the way through you because you have wrapped your heart with mine in eternity.
The meaning of life is to love yourself completely, free yourself and others from guilt and become totally visible no matter what the risk. ~ Jim Carrey
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know ~ Ernest Hemingway
I fell in love with a dream that still wakes me, screaming..

Saturday, September 24, 2011

hell~o bulimia, my old friend

its been a long time.. since the year before last since I've relapsed. today has been an emotional day. (theres the part where my bf laughs. cuz how many days havnt been emotional for me over the past few months..)

I dont know what happened honestly. maybe it the universe throwing me not being able to get a job in my face. maybe it was talking to my ex today.. with reminders of how I still think of him every damn day. & how it seems like now, when once I was his everything, that I may only cross his mind from time to time. or maybe its being at my bfs house alone tonight while he's out with his friends, me being sad & jealous that I dont have people to be spending my weekend with.

here I am.. alone.. & all I want to do is return to old habits. I've been eating today to fill an emotional void. now all I want to do is purge. I'm trying to stay in control, to be strong about this. but I cant help but to remember 2 years ago, when no matter what was going on in my life, how out of control everything was, purging was the one thing that made me feel in control.

I'm being strong. but I cant help but to feel ashamed of my binge eating. I feel.. so gross. but I'll be fucking damned if I cry another tear today.. not over this. I've cried too much in the past few months.

if I eat any more I'm going to make myself sick.

I'm stronger than this.

I have to be.

I am so fucking tired of *still* giving more of a shit than you ever did

(I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me)

have said these exact things/had this convo with my bf.. a few times..
all I ever wanted, was for you to love me the way I loved you.

you know when

your sweetly adorable bf is a nerd when he makes you watch all 6 episodes of star wars & pauses them to explain things. (so cute)


you know you're a loner/loser when your nerdy bf is out playing a magic the gathering tournament with his friends on a friday night & you're at home, online.. cuz you have no friends. ...



Friday, September 23, 2011

my eyes, a ship full of treasures ~ sailing alone, lost at sea ~ slowly sinking
so my niece that I worked with at my last job got laid off last week. I havnt worked in months. today she already has a job. F.M.L.

I just want to crawl in a hole & disappear.

everyone, even the bf seems to think its soo fucking easy. 'have you even tried?' he asks me. which makes me feel like even though he knows me better than anyone, not even he understands where I am right now. I've tried. I've spent hours online putting in applications for minimum wage pos jobs. for nothing. only promises of interviews that never happen.

he doesnt understand what its like to be so depressed you just become lost in this hopelessness. ...every time I've gotten my hopes up about a job I just get knocked down. I feel useless.. worthless..

the last couple days have been the best I've felt in months. only to end up here again.

'why cant you be happy with what you have?' everyone says.

some days.. I cant bring myself to do anything other than sleep. just because I dont want to face my reality.

I'm trying to create my own. the best I fucking can. but no one sees that. they all just see what I'm not doing.

he doesnt get it.. nobody gets it..

I feel like I'm drowning..

Thursday, September 22, 2011

all you've become, a collection of songs, a playlist i only listen to somewhere after midnight, after rain, after too many glasses of wine.

("me with my red heart in the dark earth")

barefoot in the night, the coming restless stars; how, i sit with ghosts, midwinter magics, the darkening of the moon; a sacred thing.

the weight of knowing horrible things about a person so many seem to love; all the sad little reasons we endlessly tuck these things away.

a floating halo, a nimbus of fire & moonlight.

something in me is just darkened and heavy with grieving, moves with the slow meditation of waves. swollen with the ghosts of another city.!/undreaming
'don't fucking ask a person to bleed for you & then sit like a snake in quiet unresponse when they hand you their guts. seriously? fuck you.'

'the boundaries dividing life from death are shadowy & vague. who shall say where one ends & the other begins?'
Life has been some combination of fairy-tale coincidence and joie de vivre and shocks of beauty together with some hurtful self-questioning. ~ Sylvia Plath

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

“Do not lose yourself in the past. Do not lose yourself in the future. Do not get caught in your anger, worries, or fears. Come back to the present moment, and touch life deeply.”
— Thich Nhat Hanh

this year & the last couple months especially have prepared me for so much. its carved a spot of loneliness in my heart that feels more familiar now than it does painful. the last few years have been leading to this, something big, something drastic. I just wish I knew what. I'm ready for a new me.

30 Seconds To Mars ~ Capricorn (A Brand New Name)

So I run, hide and tear myself up
Start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

I will disappear
I told you once and I'll say it again
I want my message read clear
I'll show you the way, the way I'm going

So I run, and hide and tear myself up
Start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

I was almost there
Just a moment away from becoming unclear
Ever get the feeling you're gone
I'll show you the way, the way I'm going

So I run, and hide and tear myself up
I'll start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

So I run, start again
With a brand new name
With a brand new name

So I run and hide and tear myself up (so I run)
I'll start again with a brand new name (start again)
And eyes that see into infinity (with a brand new name)

I will disappear

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

“Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.”

People with AvPD are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.

Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection
Self-imposed social isolation
Extreme shyness in social situations, though feels a strong desire for close relationships
Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
Avoids interpersonal relationships
Feelings of inadequacy
Severe low self-esteem
Self loathing
Mistrust of others
Extreme shyness/timidity
Emotional distancing related to intimacy
Highly self-conscious
Self-critical about their problems relating to others
Problems in occupational functioning
Lonely self-perception
Feeling inferior to others

the memory of you is twisting my insides like a spider thats tightly bound her reluctant pray
& there, waiting for me neath the softest winter's whisper, was you
I can still feel you like ether seeping out of my skin

Sunday, September 18, 2011

It feels like a precious wound, like a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good…We all want things to stay the same. We settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins.

Then I looked around this place, at the chaos its endured; the way its been adapted, burned, pillaged and then found a way to build itself back up again, and I was reassured. Maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, its just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it.

Ruin is a gift. Ruin IS the road to transformation.

Elizabeth Gilbert
Don't hide your heart but reveal it so that I might know mine too and learn what I am capable of.
"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls."
Anaïs Nin
"Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts."
Edgar Allan Poe

Saturday, September 17, 2011

lost, I wander silently through these memories & wonder how you are still the pain that shakes me
5 'o clock in the fuckin am & here I am. (self inflicted, perhaps?) victim to the pain of my past hurts once more. aint self preservation a bitch?? cleansing is in order, in one way or the other. I'm just not sure whether to throw myself in front of my emotional bus or not. face my fears, confront my demons & I come out stronger in the end for it. but by doing so I push away the one man whos ever been strong enough to handle me. ...he swears he'll wait..

he deserves better than all this..

I *have* to learn to love myself more..

...sometimes you have to rip open your wounds & crawl around in them. because once the bleeding starts the healing can begin..

Monday, September 12, 2011


I'm entirely too sensitive & have cried enough the past few years for my next 3 or 4 lifetimes. I'm insecure, stubborn as all hell & an emotional mess at times (more so than not lately). I'm my own worst enemy & as much as I love you I'm afraid I'll drag you down with me. but if you can be strong enough to survive these trips through my own personal hells with me.. & still want to be by my side.. I'll be yours forever.

you've been my strength all this time when I've felt so weak. no other man has ever been able to hold me up & show me the stars in such a way to give me hope when I've had so much trouble standing on my own. sometimes I think you cant possibly be of this world. maybes its just that your soul is so old & filled with ancient wisdoms that I've had such a hard time believing youre for real. all I can say is thank you for everything. thank you for being you. you are so much more wonderful than I think you'll ever realize. so much than your ex could even fathom or give you credit for. I hope she reads this, so I can tell her thank you for fucking up.

I've been looking for you ever since I read my first love story. & to my surprise youve been so much more than I could ever ask for. I'd be lost without you.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

there isnt much that keeps me afloat lately. with the bf off to work today & my daughter still at her fathers I'm already fighting the loneliness, feelings of uselessness. he's one of the only things helping to keep my head above water right now. I know I need to find this balance in myself, but more & more over the past few months I'm having trouble doing so. not looking forward to this day..
the ghost of you still lingers round the corner, waiting to catch me with a noose made of your memory so I can hang myself
Perhaps some day I’ll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. But not as long as I can make stories out of my heartbreak, beauty out of sorrow. ~ Sylvia Plath
If the moon smiled, she would resemble you. You leave the same impression of something beautiful but annihilating. ~ Sylvia Plath
is this how it works? in this room the hours of love still make shadows. when you left you took almost everything - Bukowski
Somehow you don’t want to live just one life, which could be typed; tossed off in a thumbnail sketch, “She was this sorta girl..". ~ Sylvia Plath
What I need is a lover into whom I can crawl like some padded room. ~ Keighley Perkins
I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full. ~ sylvia plath
the ghosts of you still fill this room
like the pain that fills my lungs,
drowning me in the infinite wounds of your memory

Saturday, September 10, 2011

when you left I became buried inside myself.
I gave you pieces of me I'm still trying to get back.
I hope one day, in another existence, another life,
we can be like we were..
maybe we'll be owls..

until then, I miss my friend..

“Unless it is mad passionate extraordinary love, it’s a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them.”

Thursday, September 8, 2011

“People fall so in love with their pain, they can’t leave it behind. The same as the stories they tell. We trap ourselves.”
— Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk

ov sticks & stones & the way he breaks me

its frightening to remember his blood on my hands..
broken, he fell before me, heart hung bleeding like a romantic tragedy halfhearted sympathies leaking through the cracks
he is so much more than I ever could have asked for. all I'll ever need. more than I deserve.

stronger than I knew..
he would have to be, to be with me..

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

so if the universe gives us whatever experience necessary for the evolution of our consciousness, I have to continue to believe that every person I come across plays a certain role in that. even if their time in my life is short.

james, you saved my life. for that, the debt I owe you can never be repaid. but I'm not going to play this stupid highschooler bullshit. posting stuff on fb & personal details on blogs. its childish & I'm over it. I'm not out to hurt you. but all this 'friendship' does is hurt the both of us. its a negative energy that bruises my soul & leaves me stressed & crying more times than not. if it honestly helps you to heal from your pain to believe I'm such a terrible person who just emotionally fucked you.. then best of luck with that. but I cant have this shadow hanging over my head. true we might not have been very close in the past but all I've done is everything in my power to help you. open up my home to you.. you said when you had your accident I was the only there, worried & trying to find out if you were ok. why cant you remember these things when you get lost in the darkness of your pain, thinking all I was ever trying to do was mind fuck you. ask yourself what did I really have to gain? after that night I spent with you that I had to confess to robert about you should know that I just dont have those kinds of things in me. it wasnt cuz he had some control over me, was manipulating or threatening me. its cuz I have a conscious. especially when it comes to people I care about. you *know* this about me.

I hope one day once you get past your pain you can look back on things with you & I & find the beauty something. whether its the way it was the first time you had felt something in so long, the passion we shared, or new ideas, concepts or beliefs that were formed that benefit you in the future.

until then.. but now our time has past.

so call it me giving up. me not taking the bad with the good or not accepting you as a whole. whatever you call, I'm done with it. I wont speak badly of you. I dont think badly of you. I just know theres nothing I can do to make this any better than it is. so yea, I wanted the friend option. but when you say things like that on your fb, knowing most people close enough to you know who I am, hell even a fucking bartender you hardly know you tell about me, who said as you quoted 'she sounds fucking crazy' then yes, that makes me done.

theres a part inside of me that hurts so much for you. it hurts for all the things you think of me that I'm not. & I'll tell you after hearing things like that again & again, people constantly flipping the fuck out, thinking I'm out to get them, it fucks with your head after awhile.

I know I cant make your pain my own.

dont think I wont think of you every single day for a very long time.

I'm sorry for everything, but this is just the way it has to be.

a deep breath from the ordinary
a starry eyed child of eden
falling in love with the magic of an innocent heart
a midsummer night's passion
resonating beauty
hidden in the crossroads of the universe
“They will say I smoked cigarettes and marijuana, cursed hoarse as a crow in all my languages, and loved morphine and Demerol and tequila and pulque, women and men. I will shrug my illusion of shoulders and answer that I am a water woman, not a vessel, not something you can sail or charter. I am instead the tributary, the river, the fluid source, and the sea itself. I am all her rainy implications. And what do you, with your rusted compass, know of love?”

-Frida Kahlo
“A hundred times I wanted to kill myself, but always I loved life more. This ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our worst instincts; is anything more stupid than choosing to carry a burden that really one wants to cast on the ground? to hold existence in horror, and yet to cling to it? to fondle the serpent which devours us till it has eaten out our heart?”
— Candide of Voltaire

Thursday, September 1, 2011

“When absent, the body of someone becomes the negative space of the objects left behind. Tracing and mapping absence, shadowing the contours of a vanished presence, empreinte reveals the imprinted sensations of a missing being.” ~ Mathilde Roussel-Giraudy
devastation is all that remains of war
& the twisted metal of one dying heart

...he remembers the rage that ruined our childhoods
dead prayer offerings in hidden hands of malice

'into the red river & under the sound' he whispered
'inversion comes full circle behind the shadows of the damned..'
“Music is well said to be the speech of angels; in fact, nothing among the utterances allowed to man is felt to be so divine. It brings us near to the infinite."

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

sex is the ultimate meditation.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Saturday, August 27, 2011

It's all come to this
A war for control
To cleanse eden of impurities in death
Where all is deception
Lost in shadows
& the one they fear
Is the devil inside

Thursday, August 25, 2011

inside, I'm screaming.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

“It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.
It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shrivelled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, ‘Yes.’

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.”
— The Invitation , Oriah Mountain Dreamer
'One of the hardest things to do in this world is to watch someone you love & care about lose themselves right before your tear filled eyes. All because they think they aren’t good enough to be loved, don’t deserve to have real love, and they can’t see how beautiful of a person they truly are.

You’re basically forced to watch the person you love slowly die in front of you from the inside out. The only thing you can do is keep them in your heart, hold their heart inside of you forever & never allow yourself to forget the Angel that they will always be in your eyes.

I will remember who you really are until the day I take my last breath. That I promise you.'
“When someone cries so hard that it hurts their throat, it is out of frustration of knowing that no matter what you can do or attempt to do you cant change the situation. When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside - that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can’t. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although it’s just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. And it doesn’t do a damn thing to fix anything.”
— Chase Brooks

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

can I be so dramatic as to say I'm wondering these days if I even exist? a silly question perhaps, but given the current circumstances of my situation I'd have to say all I'm doing is existing. cuz I'm sure as hell not living.

I'm in (a) s.hell

Saturday, August 20, 2011

“Love, however, cannot be forbidden. The more that flame is covered up, the hotter it burns. Also love can always find a way. It was impossible that these two whose hearts were on fire should be kept apart.”
— Edith Hamilton (Mythology: Pyramus and Thisbe)

Sunday, August 14, 2011

love is a fight. but sometimes it feels safer to stand at a distance so I can watch it lie on the ground bleeding & poke it with a stick.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

“it took me too long to realize that i don’t take good pictures cuz i have the kind of beauty that moves…”
— ani difranco
Do not pity the dead, pity the living. Above all, pity those who live without love.

Friday, August 12, 2011

"You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
— Louise Erdrich
will you be mine til the last star dies?

Thursday, August 11, 2011

“The 5th dimension is the dimension of dreams and the collective experience of humanity. The sixth dimension is described as the world of spirits, and the home of Pachamama, the Earth Mother. It is the place where one can encounter spirit guides, totem animals, or even have communication with deceased relatives or ancestors. The snakes and the eels I encountered were a part of this dimension. I had been to this place before, and gotten there a few different ways. One occasion I was laughing with my late Grandfather Aubrey whom I never met, which has contributed to me adopting his name, my born middle name, as my common name. Those who smoke DMT almost always reach this dimension directly, and frequently talk about the beings they encounter there. Until the second session, the 6th dimension was as far as I have ever gone.
The 7th dimension is described as an energetic dimension, where you encounter extremely large, non-personal entities. During my first ayahuasca meditation Maestro Orlando gave me a peek into the seventh dimension with his sonic teleporter. I wasn’t there long enough to encounter any ships such as those encountered in my second session, but I had made a breach, and that was important. The entities which I perceived as ships, were explained to me as benevolent entities whose purpose was to prepare me for travel to the 8th dimension. The organic floating mass pulled out whatever weight might have hindered me in my journey, and the metallic ship uploaded the source code that would allow me to function in the penultimate ring of existence.

The 8th dimension is the last dimension before the ninth dimension, which is oneness with all creation. Any beings encountered in the 8th dimension are by default entirely benevolent as nothing impure could exist on so high a plane. They say it is the realm of the angels, for lack of a better word. I didn’t encounter any beings, but what I did experience was pure potentiality—the ability to affect change in all dimensions below the 8th. I was able to play a small part in healing a sick friend, see him as he lay in his bed, scan my own body for illness, removing impurities on the spot, and visualize my entire life as a flow of energy, from every aspect of business to personal destiny. There was a challenge in reintegrating with the life I left running like a treadmill on full speed, but one month after my paradigm shifting session, my friend is healthier than ever, my glands have not been swollen for the first time in 12 years, and my business is thriving.

What else is possible in the 8th dimension? I don’t know… But part of my mission in life is to find out.”

C. Aubrey Marcus (via his blog

This was explained to him by legit Peruvian Shaman. You can hear the whole experience on The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast
at a glance I knew what it was to fold myself into you
to weep among wilting lilies
& sigh at the sound of my heart breaking..

“Love makes you empty — empty of jealousy, empty of power trips, empty of anger, empty of competitiveness, empty of your ego and all its garbage. But love also makes you full of things which are unknown to you right now; it makes you full of fragrance, full of light, full of joy.”
— Osho

"Spiritual wholeness or unity is key to the personal ascension process. Unless we attain wholeness or unity within our spiritual selves, we will not be able to ascend or reach higher consciousness. Spiritual wholeness or unity is simply the balancing, harmonizing and uniting of our inner male/sun/yang and our inner female/moon/yin. When we unite our inner male and female, we birth the son which is our Christ Consciousness which is our connection to our higher self. Our higher self is androgynous, so we must ourselves become energetically androgynous or whole in order to connect with our higher self or Christ Consciousness."


“Soulmates are our soul family, the ones we do have many lifetimes and experiences with, who help us grow and evolve, create and dissipate karma. According to ancient wisdom, when the soul is “born” or descended from Source, it is created in a group. The souls in this group are our soulmates, ones who are very like us in frequency makeup. Then each of these souls is split into two, creating the twins.

A soulmate is someone you are close to at a soul level, and with whom you have had many shared experiences in different lifetimes, in various kinds of relationships — siblings, parent-child, best friend, as well as romantic relationships. There is a deep love for each other, and a spiritual bond that sets them apart from the superficiality of most other people in your life. Conversations are generally deep, about personal growth and service to make the world a better place. We can have many soulmates in our lives, and they come to us to help us grow spiritually.”

twin flames

“What is a Twin Flame?

Twin flames, also called twin souls, are literally the other half of our soul. We each have only one twin, and generally after being split the two went their separate ways, incarnating over and over to gather human experience before coming back together. Ideally, this happens in both of their last lifetimes on the planet so they can ascend together. So you probably haven’t had many lifetimes with your twin.

Each twin is a complete soul, not half a soul. It is their task to become more whole, balancing their female and male sides, and ideally become enlightened, before reuniting with their twin. This reunion is of two complete and whole beings. All other relationships through all our lives could be said to be “practice” for the twin, the ultimate relationship.

Twin Flame reunions are the most fulfilling relationships we can enter into as humans, on all levels. However, twin flame couples have been extremely rare on the planet, and for good reasons, which will be described later. Despite this, we are finding that more and more twins are finding each other now, because of the acceleration of spiritual transformation and opportunities for soul evolution we are all experiencing. People are evolving and learning and healing at such a fast rate that they are getting ready for their twins faster. What used to take lifetimes to learn and heal, people are now going through in years or even months. This is the astounding level of acceleration we and the planet are going through.

When twins get together, it is for some kind of spiritual service work. This is their primary reason for finding each other, because through their union a huge birthing of creative energy is released, to be used for their mission together. More and more twins are attempting to get together now to help the planet and humanity make a big shift forward in consciousness.

However, many of these attempts at reunion are unsuccessful because the individual people are not quite ready for the intensity of a twin flame union. It is more intense than any other union, and this intensity is at a soul level, not as much in the physical or even emotional bodies. This doesn’t mean that there isn’t a good attraction at those levels as well, but the strongest attraction is of spirit. This is one of the distinguishing characteristics of a twin soul. Many people think they have met their twin because the attraction is so intense, but it is a karmic attraction, one of need or bodily desire rather than the Divine Love of twins.

Your chance of meeting and staying with your twin depends on how evolved your soul is, and how much of your baggage from this and past lives you have cleared. The biggest reason twins have to separate after coming together is their individual emotional baggage. Because in the presence of your twin, there can be nothing between you, nothing blocking your closeness. This means that everything comes up for healing that you haven’t previously healed. Everything!
I dont know what I did to deserve him. but even when I feel like I dont, I know better..

he saves me..

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Eric & Sookie

Tell her I was born the night she found me, and because of her, I went to my true death knowing what it means to love. Tell her thank you.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

“But love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand-new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness. The moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us. And to save us.” ~ Paulo Coelho
what has no conditions but one condition?

'heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts. I was better after I had cried than before–more sorry, more aware of my own ingratitude, more gentle.'

Friday, August 5, 2011

I will walk, white velvet fire on (a) summer daze ~ in edification for mute souls ~ behind the winds ~ blowing kisses in reveries of love..
“When your love is pure or spiritual, there is no demand, no expectation. There is only the sweetest feeling of spontaneous oneness with the human being or beings concerned.”
— Sri Chinmoy
I am a heartbeat, beloved of the sky, stretching wide a blinding light, a flame moving before the winds to the ends of heaven & earth. instantly, I travel through the sky, striding east & west. the arbour of heaven opens its arms & when I cleave the tempest, he roars in pain.

~ unknown

Thursday, August 4, 2011

“Some people meet the way the sky meets the earth, inevitably, and there is no stopping or holding back their love. It exists in a finished world, beyond the reach of common sense.”
— Louise Erdrich
'If you were to press your heart close up against somebody else’s heart eventually your hearts will start beating at the same time. And two little babies in an incubator, their hearts will beat at the same time. So if you have somebody in your life that is prone to anxiety, like myself, and if you happen to be a calm person, you could come up and hug me heart to heart and my heart hopefully would slow to yours. And i just love that idea. Or maybe yours would speed up to mine. But either way,

we’ll be together.'
“I think maybe love
is just the realization
that your heart is theirs.”

- tyler knott gregson

edwin mccain ~ i'll be

The strands in your eyes
That color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath

Emeralds from mountains
Thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth

Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows
Of heartache that hang from above

I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival
You're my living proof
My love is alive and not dead

Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows
Of heartache that hang from above

I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

I've dropped out
I've burned up
I've fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in
Turned on
Remembered the things you said

I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

its a funny thing that I'm still breathing with my heart being so far away..