would you ever just not love someone cuz you knew that losing them would rip you to pieces? ..

just the thought feels cowardly..

but how do you not invest everything into love? into the hopes & dreams of a forever? ... the people I've had in my life that *really* knew me.. have been so few & far between that I can count them on less than 5 fingers. so to find a man I feel I can share everything about me with without fear of being judged or misunderstood.. I feel truly blessed.

he's the only person I feel I can be that way with. so what happens if it doesnt work out? ... shattered doesnt even begin to cover it.. I go back to a feeling of wondering if I'm always feeling like nobody knows me, really understands all of me, then does that mean maybe I should know me better? to avoid such despair at the possible end of my relationship? over the last year or so its been the only conclusion I've been able to come to..

the possibilities of what I could lose are far greater than they've ever been..

life: in progress.

I am more than what I've been branded as..

my life is constant shift these days. but chaos serves evolution right.?. I must always remember I know nothing. I am but a collective experience of the universe & I should be so thankful she chooses to speak through me. I am a guide & a student. infinite. I will shed preconceived notions of how I think things should be & remember life is happening for me, not to me.

'kill the father' ~ jim morrison

is it odd to be sad cuz youre falling out of love? maybe its just cuz it reaffirms the finality of things..

they say home is where you make it. I never understood home is where the heart is as much as I do tonight. to be in love, is to be at home in that person. its a beautiful feeling.

I'm still in love with him. I realized that today. but I can barely admit it to myself let alone to him. idk maybe it makes me nervous how easy it is/was for him to go from loving me, to leaving me.. & now loving me again like theres no way he could ever do anything but love me.. he says hes in no hurry & he'll prove himself to me.. (as he should)

they say you never know how strong you are til its the only choice you have.

truth is I'm probs way needy right now. yes lets play the 'poor me everyone leaves' card as one so likes to refer to it as. I've become closed off to everyone. ..I probably need more reassurance than hes able to give, once again. I feel so alone..

loving him means I risk having my heart broken again. I've already lost my bff over it. so question is.. is it worth it?..




..tonight I'm looking for reasons to exist.

sometimes I become a little embarrassed splaying my soul here.. my emotions & fears. love & insecurities. I mean, I started this for me.. but then I remember..its not like anyone pays attention anyways. so when it comes to posts like this I'm thankful I guess.

if you want to be noticed you should make yourself noticeable, right?

a willingness to risk everything for love.. amazing isnt it?