sever.ed stitches

I'm beginning to wonder exactly how much of being in love is created in our own minds. they say you cant help who you love. I wonder if you can? far be it for me to claim I know anything about love these days except for how I believe its supposed to feel. lately I've fallen in love with the idea of being in love, with being wanted. once again stemming from my feelings of rejection from my last relationship. an infatuated affection from someone makes me feel so amazing I start to think I have feelings for them. but this only lasts a few days, maybe a week or so.. how did I become so focused on love when its the last thing I want to focus on. seems my heart has a mind of its own..

I know now that I am ok with being alone, that I dont need a relationship for approval of self or any kind of validation, I'm not codependent. maybe it comes from my introversion, only being able to connect with very few.. maybe its just a want to be wanted. thats why I wonder if these new feelings I'm having are just a manifestation of that. maybe its made me feel so good to be endlessly adored & loved by someone that I've created these feelings in my head. I say this only because had you asked me last week how I felt about this person I would have answered 'he's wonderful but I dont feel he can give me what I need intellectually, spiritually & emotionally.' but today we havnt spoken in 2 days, & it feels very different. I miss him more than I ever expected to.

so when do I get to find out if any of the feelings I have for anyone are real or not? stupid fucking heart..

Kick Ass, eggs & p.b.

so even with stitching open wounds & a new found peace I still am finding things I have to disconnect my love from. things you wouldnt expect to hurt, like a movie you watched together. food, smells.. I think it stems from a leftover sense of rejection. & even while I know now I wasnt rejected, that the unnamed party had too many issues of his own to deal with, theres a part of me thats still attempting to shake it. no one man has ever carved his name on my heart like this. maybe the feeling of rejection is layered with a want for love.. whatever is, I look forward to the day my soul is rid of it completely.

*for those of you following me here, thank you. it means more than you know. although 'articles' like this were more for my sake, to vent really, I do hope I can possibly help someone, anyone to know they are not the only one feeling these ways. comments are always welcome. xx

I shouldnt be surprised really.

expectation is the root of all disappointment. am I weeding out the ones who dont understand me & cant nourish me spiritually or I am just pushing everyone away..

the world through espresso eyes

sometimes I envy children. that innocence that allows us to see the world with absolute amazement. the ability to create ourselves. anything is possible until we are told otherwise. children are a constant reminder to stay present in the chaos of our afflicted minds. part of losing our innocence is from the act of always being told no & 'you cant do that'. what would you do if you knew you could do anything? what reality would you create for yourself? would you change the world? the only thing holding you back you, is you. stop making excuses.

mistake:

the assumption that 'I love you' needs a reply..

(sub)conscious musings

stuck stuck stuck. how can it be so easy to be aware of my awareness & ability to make the conscious shift from an anxiety ridden, self pitying mess with agoraphobic tendencies to being at complete peace, cuz when I'm down I feel so helpless, like my world is collapsing inward.

I was told once I needed to be able to look at myself like my best friend. would I be so critical & quick to judge then? would I obsess about how when I smile one eye always closes more than the other? or how my head is too big & my ears & nose make me look mousy? or would I learn to accept & love these things like a real friend should?

today my soul was at ease. a tranquility I'm hoping projects onto others in my presence. so 1 outta 7 isnt bad. at least I have that.

hell~o me, its me again.

I never wanted to exist just to exist. something shifted in me today when I realized this.. static.. I've felt it for years. an isolated mind in a world full of apathetic billions. somehow it helped to put me at ease a bit. but sadly this 'closing in' feeling is nothing new.

the death of the worlds perception is the beginning of reality..

hell ~o again

so I figured after some recent feedback on my work it was about time to reintroduce myself. first I want to thank anyone who has ever stopped by to read my writings & anyone who has identified with even a line from one of my poems. it means more than you'll ever know.

I guess I'm writing this cuz I feel the constant need to explain myself so I'm not misunderstood. (thanks to a.. no longer friend for pointing that out) its funny how sometimes all you need is an outside perspective to help you see things you normally wouldnt, or even in a different light. also because its been pointed out to me that I tend to compartmentalize my feelings. the dark parts & sadness in me goes into my writing. I guess this must make me look like quite the cutter.. that couldnt be further from the truth. I'm an extremely peaceful happy person, quite in love with life. I love being me. my writing comes from my life experiences. heart broken & losing friends left & right these days.. sometimes my work appears quite morbid & full of self pity. I'm really not that way at all. being a libra & constantly trying to keep balance every part of me has to go somewhere. seems I just feel things with much more intensity than most..

thought..

We fail love, love doesn't fail us...

at points

I feel I can no longer trust anyone to be who they appear to be anymore. when did things become so fake? maybe I'm just too full of love to see it sometimes.. pseudo salutations.. the world.. everything is so plastic some days. how do people in your day to day life, that have been there for years, that you'd trust everything with become such.. so.. hollow. is the only reality my own?

note to self

funny how I still find it easier to admit everything here than in person. there is some sort of comfort & security about splaying your life to the world from behind a computer screen.. this little quote is now a constant reminder of how it really should be. & to never settle for anything less than I deserve. ever notice how it still hurts.. even when you know thats the truth?..

Be with someone who knows what they have when they have you.

(me)

today I string together ribbons of my subconscious, unfolding the physical manifestations of my souls longings for balance. that harmony in life, love. the quiet minds dream.

*live.laugh.love*

love, cookie cut

I'm starting to wonder if preconceived notions about love poisons everything.

maybe there's no such thing as a "spark". maybe its all just a physical manifestation of energy from our emotions.

in my world love exists without logic & tradition. though my belief in love.. I find myself questioning..

Ny, Ny

funny how the idea of some things can make you realize you're not as ok as you previously thought.

can you see me?

I will walk
white velvet fire on (a) summer daze
in edification for mute souls
behind the winds
blowing kisses in reveries of love

just barely breathing

I've done something I'm not proud of.. I hope to be able to forgive myself for it one day.

relationships with friends are always a good idea on paper, just like my experiences with men. then what happens when things go wrong? I lose 2 friends in one month. I think my loneliness has lead to some things out of character.. & then everybody gets hurt. I feel.. less. & empty again. I was selfish & wrong & I wish I could tell her I'm sorry..

its been a hell of a month. though peace amongst chaos sounds impossible, I hope to find my balance.

its times like this I try to look at the beautifully unexpected things, connections & friends that I do have. & that means more than anything.

*just
breathe*

s.cry

I tucked him away in my pocket with dead roses
& old letters
& what was left of my love
why was it never the one with holes..

reflective oceans of me

to find an awareness shift, it really is all about being ok
with yourself. we tend to get caught in a negative sub conscious
pattern of mentally beating ourselves up. it has alot to do with our
self confidence. you have to reprogram your thought process. be at one with the moment. notice your conscious breath. this life can be whatever you want it to be. ♥

trying to live without regrets.. not working so well

if I hadnt known better I would of thought I dreamed him. with him never far from my thoughts these days sometimes I fear I might have. if such a perfection existed here on earth then I must have been living in my own self made hell. cuz the likes of him I never knew existed. now he'll always be the one that got away. the one that wanted my heart when I didnt have it to give. & now... funny how hindsight is 20/20.. it had been right in my face the whole time. I'm trying not to kick myself for not seeing it. but its hard. he came into work to see me a few days ago. I wish we hadnt of been there so I could have pulled him closer.. as soon as he walked out that door I missed him. all those times my ex commented about our long distance relationship "what if you meet someone.." I should have listened & gave my heart to a man who deserved it. fuck...

I still be(lie)ve in love

I miss having someone to touch me not only with passion, but emotion too. being single sucks.