there is a me long since forgotten, small & trembling, curled up in the corners of your lips, still begging you to smile..

as if I was only meant to be no more than a memory..

I miss poetry, friends, time with my daughter, mom & bf. I miss my safe zones. they equal spiritual death.. I know. but it was easier. the best things in life are hard learnt, yes?

I read somewhere that if youre tired of attracting the same kinds of people in your life that you need to forgive yourself for doing so.

after a while, the solitude becomes your friend.

I bloom in the darkness..

“If you hold back on the emotions–if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them—you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. I thought about how often this was needed in every day life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don’t let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry.. Or how feel a surge of love for a partner but we don’t say anything because we’re frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship”
— Morrie Schwartz

hell~o bulimia, my old friend

its been a long time.. since the year before last since I've relapsed. today has been an emotional day. (theres the part where my bf laughs. cuz how many days havnt been emotional for me over the past few months..)

I dont know what happened honestly. maybe it the universe throwing me not being able to get a job in my face. maybe it was talking to my ex today.. with reminders of how I still think of him every damn day. & how it seems like now, when once I was his everything, that I may only cross his mind from time to time. or maybe its being at my bfs house alone tonight while he's out with his friends, me being sad & jealous that I dont have people to be spending my weekend with.

here I am.. alone.. & all I want to do is return to old habits. I've been eating today to fill an emotional void. now all I want to do is purge. I'm trying to stay in control, to be strong about this. but I cant help but to remember 2 years ago, when no matter what was going on in my life, how out of control everything was, purging was the one thing that made me feel in control.

I'm being strong. but I cant help but to feel ashamed of my binge eating. I feel.. so gross. but I'll be fucking damned if I cry another tear today.. not over this. I've cried too much in the past few months.

if I eat any more I'm going to make myself sick.

I'm stronger than this.

I have to be.

sever.ed stitches

I'm beginning to wonder exactly how much of being in love is created in our own minds. they say you cant help who you love. I wonder if you can? far be it for me to claim I know anything about love these days except for how I believe its supposed to feel. lately I've fallen in love with the idea of being in love, with being wanted. once again stemming from my feelings of rejection from my last relationship. an infatuated affection from someone makes me feel so amazing I start to think I have feelings for them. but this only lasts a few days, maybe a week or so.. how did I become so focused on love when its the last thing I want to focus on. seems my heart has a mind of its own..

I know now that I am ok with being alone, that I dont need a relationship for approval of self or any kind of validation, I'm not codependent. maybe it comes from my introversion, only being able to connect with very few.. maybe its just a want to be wanted. thats why I wonder if these new feelings I'm having are just a manifestation of that. maybe its made me feel so good to be endlessly adored & loved by someone that I've created these feelings in my head. I say this only because had you asked me last week how I felt about this person I would have answered 'he's wonderful but I dont feel he can give me what I need intellectually, spiritually & emotionally.' but today we havnt spoken in 2 days, & it feels very different. I miss him more than I ever expected to.

so when do I get to find out if any of the feelings I have for anyone are real or not? stupid fucking heart..

Kick Ass, eggs & p.b.

so even with stitching open wounds & a new found peace I still am finding things I have to disconnect my love from. things you wouldnt expect to hurt, like a movie you watched together. food, smells.. I think it stems from a leftover sense of rejection. & even while I know now I wasnt rejected, that the unnamed party had too many issues of his own to deal with, theres a part of me thats still attempting to shake it. no one man has ever carved his name on my heart like this. maybe the feeling of rejection is layered with a want for love.. whatever is, I look forward to the day my soul is rid of it completely.

*for those of you following me here, thank you. it means more than you know. although 'articles' like this were more for my sake, to vent really, I do hope I can possibly help someone, anyone to know they are not the only one feeling these ways. comments are always welcome. xx

...

sick to fuckin death of fake ass selfish rude people. they say you lose the people that are wrong for you to make room in your life for more important ones.. I dont think I've ever felt more alone than I do today..

Mr. Fino

I miss you. not a day goes by in which I dont think of you. I'm so sorry for the way everything happened between us. know doing what I did was the only way to take care of myself. & thats what you always wanted, wasnt it? your absence from my life is palpable. & painful. but I am so thankful to have met you.. the impact you made on my life will never be forgotten. maybe in another life I'll find you there.. when we're cats.. & the simple problems of our mortal world fail to exist & we can be friends again.. until then.. you'll never leave my heart.. I love you.

that empty spot in my chest where my heart used to be

its only been 3 days & my heart aches for him. I lost my best friend a few days ago.. well more like 2 months ago after we broke up but the friendship has been breaking backs for a while. gawd I miss him so much.. whats left of my heart knows that with the way things happened between him & I, chances are this thing wont be able to be fixed. I was closer to him than anyone. I miss my friend. & it feels like its eating me inside & theres nothing I can do about it. how else I am supposed to feel when the one that had my heart had a list of priorities that didnt include my love..

be patient & strong; one day this pain will be useful

Bring Me A Thousand Scarabs

I used to imagine him & I alone
under Egyptian tides
fingers tracing hope in waves of passion on my back

I gave him all of me

I am formless
molding in his hands
wordless
my gasps pleading "love me.."

Tonight I cried like the stars were bleeding
because the less he's around
the more I get used to it
& the more blackened their light becomes

The tourniquet I fashioned out of erasable ink promises for my soul
is now ripping at it's liar's seams

& the desert is left whispering of my heart

I Want A Love

I want a love like the love I have
a walk over the hot coals kind of love
even if your soul gets burned
you'd do it just to reach me..

A man that loves me as much as I love him.. Does such a thing even exist? Is hopeless romantic just another term for fool? Sometimes, I wonder..

The Morning After

*A collection of poetic thoughts*

Micro Poetry ~

Starving for affection. Gives a new meaning to eat your heart out.
~
Using my stanzas to heal what time never could.
~
When my heart has run out of excuses ~ you'll find me under crumbling walls ~ more alive than I have ever been
~
My fractured heart speaks in tongues ~ He seeps through my cracks.


Haiku ~

Self preservation ~ hides quiet in hazel eyes ~ Miss me when I'm gone

Ramblings Of An A.P.D. Poet

I've never been one of those people who could talk to anyone. I tend to be quite shy & even introverted at times. Alot of that comes my self diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder. Feelings of inadequacy & the fear of being judged or rejected can be so overwhelming it affects me in every aspect of life. Ironic, isn't it? Painfully lonely yet at times paralyzed with fear to the point where all I do is keep to myself. It's kept me from living most of my life, social situations, job opportunities. It almost seems like I've never even looked at life the same as everyone else. Then again, perception isn't reality. I always felt.. different.. Like I was just on some other level; not saying that I'm better than anyone by any means. How do you get used to feeling alone in a room full of people? Maybe it's the same thing as being nervous, as being nervous is a selfish energy because you're making the situation all about you. So I've been told anyways. If we as humans are "programed" to need other people, why is it so hard to admit that? To reach out to another person for comfort.. Probably the same reason why I cant bring myself to sleep in my bed when my daughter isn't home. The couch is the perfect size & there's no extra room to remind me my love is over 1,000 miles away.

I've been struggling to find purpose in my life. The best thing I've been able to come up with is I'm here to share my stories with others, whether it be through my poetry or my new found need to splay myself here for the world to see. To offer comfort, hope, empowerment. With the craziness I've been through I could write a few novels I'm sure. An emotionally unavailable alcoholic of a "father", a 5 year abusive relationship with my daughter's father, not to mention I'm an ex meth addict & have issues with bulimia as well. Pain builds character. I am survivor, never a victim.