happy freakin 4th

sometimes I'm not sure we know how much we're living in the past by missing things so deeply..

I feel as though I was robbed in a way, thinking of all the wonderful experiences I will miss out on by not having robert in my life. I miss him so much. the friendship we had, the closeness. the way he genuinely cared. the way he knew me..

I feel betrayed by james for the way he acted yesterday.. the things he accused me of.. saying I used him, calling me a liar, an emotional slut. after a year of a rocky friendship, I still kept him closer than most people.. & for him to show who he really is yesterday, this bitter, angry person.. so quick to lash out by saying & doing the things he knew would hurt me the most.. as well as he claimed to know me, to understand me.. to really think I could be capable of such.. maliciousness.. turns out he didnt know me at all. I just dont even have that in me.. I miss the man I thought he was. because this hurtful, insecure little boy.. was not who I loved. asshole..

how does one keep up hope for humanity when nothing/nobody is who they appear or present themselves to be..

I will always want for things to be as they were with both of them. when we were at our best. sure I have associates, people that I can be real & comfortable with.. but when you see these people maybe once every few months, never text or call.. are those really friends? with my 2 best friends bruce & aaron both across the states... idk.. I feel like when james & robert left they took pieces of me with them.. is that normal? I 'spose it may be..

like talking to myself.

is being loved more important than being understood? while part of me feels there are just a certain way things should be when it comes to love I suppose I should know better than to think I know anything.

one person. one person to get me, for the rest of my life. be it friend or boyfriend. seems like so much to ask.

I started thinking maybe I'm in this place again, feeling like no one understands me, having 3 of the people closet in the world to me leave to be pushed to the limits of myself. maybe I wouldnt feel so alone if I understood myself better.? the universe is screaming at me. if only I could decipher her barbed tongue.