I feel like I'm at a growing point in my life. though terribly confused & constantly unearthing buried emotions.. I have been blessed with the love of an amazing man. a man who is & can give me more than I ever hoped for in a partner, in life. he's everything I could ever dream. so what could possibly be wrong? turns out somewhere inside me it seems I still have hurt connected to my ex.. normal I'm sure.. we only just starting talking recently after a blowout that had left me feeling like I never wanted to speak to him again. I've been able to move past alot of pain. I can look at & refer to him as my friend instead of my ex. but apparently theres something there I'm not quite sure how to label. we're best friend status. he wanted to add me again on FB but I declined after finding the woman he's in love with is also on his page. whats so bad about this? I didnt know but it bothered me. I didnt want see them talking. know anything about her. see her picture. what if she was prettier than I am?.. it felt like it would be crushing & all I knew was the idea of any of that bothered me, enough to still hurt. I couldnt figure out why until my bf pointed out to me that I was jealous. 'jealous?' I scoffed... ....holy hell. ...I am jealous.
'why god, why?!' over 3 damn years of being in love with my ex, 2 breakups & numerous heartaches.. all I want to do is be done with it. I've finally found the perfect man for me. mind you any lesser man would have bolted at the news of his love being jealous over her ex's new flame. but this one... words will never be able to describe how incredible he is, what his heart & love mean to me. I've been waiting my entire life to find a love like this. so why in the hell would I be jealous? am I upset that my ex loves her the way I wanted so desperately for him to love me? maybe. probably. I dont know.. I do find peace in knowing my last relationship could never compare to my current one. my love nurtures my mind, heart & soul. not something I could say before. but as my bf said to me, if I cant find a way to work past my feelings & hurt from my last relationship then we dont have a shot in hell.
I love my boyfriend. to the depths of me I never imagined possible & I want to shout it to the world. how horribly clique I know. I know no words will ever compare to my emotions. this noted, dear universe, bring me solace in my pain. let me move forward. let me make my love a gift to the world as it has been a gift to me.
Showing posts with label long distance relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label long distance relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
I'm learning
nothing in life is for sure. & chances are there is no 'forever' but I'm willing to risk a broken heart for more than I ever dreamed was possible..
Monday, April 19, 2010
When You're In Love
Is it better to play it safe or give it all you've got? I've found myself in a relationship with a man whom I've known for 2 & 1/2 years. We met online, dated for a few months in the beginning until the craziness in both our lives forced us to go our separate ways. We stopped talking for close to a year. During that time he moved on. I tried, but never could. Towards the end of December '09 we decided to see where a relationship would go. I've been in love with him since we met. He doesn't feel the same. This brings on a list of questions.
Because of how unsure he is about his future & whether or not or relationship will go anywhere from here, he holds himself back from falling in love with me. So he says.. I say that because I can't even begin to imagine how you can stop your heart from feeling anything, especially love. It's an emotion that's so free, with no rhyme, reason or even logic at times. Part of him is also not ready to allow himself to open up in that way because of how his last relationship ended.
Maybe it's because some people just are not as strong as others, as he mentioned to me the other night when he said that he just cant let himself get in so deep right now. But I think the experience of giving all of yourself to someone whether it works out or not, is a blessing to be able to have. After all, in my honest opinion, heaven isn't a place. It's the moments in life you live for where you're the most free. & that's how I feel when I'm with him. I cherish every minute I get with this man. Whether it's 2 hour phone call before he goes to bed, or a 30 second email or text from him just to say hello & he's thinking of me. I don't take any of it for granted. Before we broke up last year I thought he would always be there. & then he was gone..
I do believe everything happens for a reason. His absence from my life taught me a lot of things including that you never know how strong you can be until it's the only choice you have left.
Since December although I knew his feelings I let myself into this with my whole heart. I give him all of me. He mentioned one time he thought I should be holding myself back in order not to hurt so much if things went wrong between us. Though it seems to be human nature to shut ourselves off at times for self preservation's sake, mostly due to past hurts, this is something I could never bring myself to do. I live in the moment & make the most of the little time I am able to share with him. That way, if things do end, I can look back & know I gave it everything I could. & I can be ok with that. I can't look back on this with "what ifs".
I feel like I'm starting to go against everything I stand for & have said about my beliefs in love. I feel that if two people love each-other, nothing can stand in their way of being together. There will be some complications in the two of us coming together of course but mostly all it involves is me moving to be with him. Yet his pessimism about the whole thing has finally started to rub off on me. I'm starting to close myself off. Without even wanting to or being aware of it.. We had a another talk about where the relationship is going & since then it's like my heart is putting up walls without even asking me first. He's so busy he hardly has the time for me. He stopped returning most of my emails & messages. Lately even the texts are becoming less & less. So are the calls it seems..
How long can one really put themselves out there when only getting 25% in return? Knowing he didn't feel the same about me has always hurt, but I knew where he was coming from so it was ok. The last ex really did a number on his heart.. Now I'm starting to question how I feel about being in a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same way. Who knows if he'll ever be able to let go. His constant "grip on the reality of things" or pessimism as I like to call it, brought me to start to close off. Now I'm feeling a little bitter. Not towards him. Just the whole shutting down thing is making me.. the same way as he is about it. & I'm irritable, grumpy & more stand offish than what is normally me. I'm such a free spirit, an emotionally charged woman. & now I'm in a war with my heart & my mind. The holding back just isn't.. me.
Is it better to give all of yourself & live in the moment? Even though if the relationship ends it will make it that much more heartbreaking? Or is it safer to close yourself off? Keep up those walls just in-case. I'll let you know if I ever figure that part out.
Because of how unsure he is about his future & whether or not or relationship will go anywhere from here, he holds himself back from falling in love with me. So he says.. I say that because I can't even begin to imagine how you can stop your heart from feeling anything, especially love. It's an emotion that's so free, with no rhyme, reason or even logic at times. Part of him is also not ready to allow himself to open up in that way because of how his last relationship ended.
Maybe it's because some people just are not as strong as others, as he mentioned to me the other night when he said that he just cant let himself get in so deep right now. But I think the experience of giving all of yourself to someone whether it works out or not, is a blessing to be able to have. After all, in my honest opinion, heaven isn't a place. It's the moments in life you live for where you're the most free. & that's how I feel when I'm with him. I cherish every minute I get with this man. Whether it's 2 hour phone call before he goes to bed, or a 30 second email or text from him just to say hello & he's thinking of me. I don't take any of it for granted. Before we broke up last year I thought he would always be there. & then he was gone..
I do believe everything happens for a reason. His absence from my life taught me a lot of things including that you never know how strong you can be until it's the only choice you have left.
Since December although I knew his feelings I let myself into this with my whole heart. I give him all of me. He mentioned one time he thought I should be holding myself back in order not to hurt so much if things went wrong between us. Though it seems to be human nature to shut ourselves off at times for self preservation's sake, mostly due to past hurts, this is something I could never bring myself to do. I live in the moment & make the most of the little time I am able to share with him. That way, if things do end, I can look back & know I gave it everything I could. & I can be ok with that. I can't look back on this with "what ifs".
I feel like I'm starting to go against everything I stand for & have said about my beliefs in love. I feel that if two people love each-other, nothing can stand in their way of being together. There will be some complications in the two of us coming together of course but mostly all it involves is me moving to be with him. Yet his pessimism about the whole thing has finally started to rub off on me. I'm starting to close myself off. Without even wanting to or being aware of it.. We had a another talk about where the relationship is going & since then it's like my heart is putting up walls without even asking me first. He's so busy he hardly has the time for me. He stopped returning most of my emails & messages. Lately even the texts are becoming less & less. So are the calls it seems..
How long can one really put themselves out there when only getting 25% in return? Knowing he didn't feel the same about me has always hurt, but I knew where he was coming from so it was ok. The last ex really did a number on his heart.. Now I'm starting to question how I feel about being in a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same way. Who knows if he'll ever be able to let go. His constant "grip on the reality of things" or pessimism as I like to call it, brought me to start to close off. Now I'm feeling a little bitter. Not towards him. Just the whole shutting down thing is making me.. the same way as he is about it. & I'm irritable, grumpy & more stand offish than what is normally me. I'm such a free spirit, an emotionally charged woman. & now I'm in a war with my heart & my mind. The holding back just isn't.. me.
Is it better to give all of yourself & live in the moment? Even though if the relationship ends it will make it that much more heartbreaking? Or is it safer to close yourself off? Keep up those walls just in-case. I'll let you know if I ever figure that part out.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
The Morning After
*A collection of poetic thoughts*
Micro Poetry ~
Starving for affection. Gives a new meaning to eat your heart out.
~
Using my stanzas to heal what time never could.
~
When my heart has run out of excuses ~ you'll find me under crumbling walls ~ more alive than I have ever been
~
My fractured heart speaks in tongues ~ He seeps through my cracks.
Haiku ~
Self preservation ~ hides quiet in hazel eyes ~ Miss me when I'm gone
Micro Poetry ~
Starving for affection. Gives a new meaning to eat your heart out.
~
Using my stanzas to heal what time never could.
~
When my heart has run out of excuses ~ you'll find me under crumbling walls ~ more alive than I have ever been
~
My fractured heart speaks in tongues ~ He seeps through my cracks.
Haiku ~
Self preservation ~ hides quiet in hazel eyes ~ Miss me when I'm gone
Friday, April 16, 2010
I Never Knew When To Say When
Can your mind really control what your heart wants to feel if your emotions are a product of your thinking? How can you tell your heart not to feel something? Is protecting your heart really worth losing the experience of giving yourself completely to someone, no matter the outcome? Maybe I'm more ready to crack my head open after diving in than most. Maybe I'm a fool. But I'm in love. & ironically enough "love is a pain I would rather feel than nothing at all". Being heartbroken is devastating, but being apathetic is scarier.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sumatra
I remember in a moment of mosaic frailty
under a charcoaled spring moon
when all of me ached for him
& the irises whispered his name
in every part of my heart he was written on
Wide eyed & dressed to the nines
I had walked into this dream
with a slenderly strut
Clouds parted in the sky
until his lips met mine
& the heavens collided
She took the pieces of him that has him missing from himself
& all I got was the lukewarm leftovers numbing my teeth on a 1,000 mile flight
"But I love him!" I screamed in my head
Reality's arms pulling me away
Daylight burns my eyes
The walls are closing in
as I wake up alone
without him
Again
under a charcoaled spring moon
when all of me ached for him
& the irises whispered his name
in every part of my heart he was written on
Wide eyed & dressed to the nines
I had walked into this dream
with a slenderly strut
Clouds parted in the sky
until his lips met mine
& the heavens collided
She took the pieces of him that has him missing from himself
& all I got was the lukewarm leftovers numbing my teeth on a 1,000 mile flight
"But I love him!" I screamed in my head
Reality's arms pulling me away
Daylight burns my eyes
The walls are closing in
as I wake up alone
without him
Again
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Behind Shadows & (So)Lace
Airports. They have such thick energies. Sometimes they seem like the only real place left in the world.That barbed wire feeling of missing pieces meshed with new beginnings. Where people open their arms to welcome old loves. It's beautiful, you get to see everyone with their hearts on their sleeves. I left mine broken in a terminal in Phoenix.
I found him under the upside of down
in the wisp of a dream
glowing silver in the shadows of me
I remember the last time I touched him. ( "Please God, don't make me left him go.." ) I look back on it now & wished I would have turned around to watch him leave but I couldn't even bring myself to walk away.. I wish I would have cried, screamed, anything just so I wouldn't have to wake up alone, without him. Again.
Yet here I am. A lonely poet with no one to listen to my thoughts but my paper. & how long do I really have before the hope in my pens runs dry?
I found him under the upside of down
in the wisp of a dream
glowing silver in the shadows of me
I remember the last time I touched him. ( "Please God, don't make me left him go.." ) I look back on it now & wished I would have turned around to watch him leave but I couldn't even bring myself to walk away.. I wish I would have cried, screamed, anything just so I wouldn't have to wake up alone, without him. Again.
Yet here I am. A lonely poet with no one to listen to my thoughts but my paper. & how long do I really have before the hope in my pens runs dry?
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