all I want is just one person to spend the rest of my life with. & even more than that.. a best friend. maybe I made the mistake of wanting both of those from the same person. but I thought thats what a partner was supposed to be?.. being a person that has a hard time connecting with most, when I found a lover in my best friend a part of me died along with the relationship. or maybe its just in hibernation, evolving.. so... if more than one person in your life (3) tells you that you get too attached to people whos to say theyre right. & fuckin shit whats the matter with being attached to someone who was supposed to be right there with you? & since when does being in love & being hurt over things make you too attached? maybe I'd save myself some grief to start thinking maybe nobody will ever see things like I do.

I write this now cuz with the loss of my best friend I'm feeling a bit lost myself. no one knew me like he did. so why does it make me feel so out of sorts to not have someone to share the deepest parts of myself with? I'm not looking for that closeness to know I'm ok. its more than just wanting to spend my time with someone. I want to share everything about me with someone who can appreciate it. to be uplifted. to find someone who frees me. as I write this I question if these are things I need to be doing for myself. & its not like that, its not for validation purposes. maybe I just dont want to feel so alone in the world. I just want someone to get me.

everyone is so caught up in their lives & has hardly any time. it feels like the deepest parts of me are just to be locked away never to be found again.

all I want to do is live, love. to be loved, to be in the present, just be. how do you enjoy the present with the people in it without being concerned itll never be more than that. I'm so tired of the bullshit shallow interactions. idk how I got these ideas of people being around all your life. too much tv as a child maybe.

everybody comes & goes only to serve their purpose in the moment. like life happening for you, not to you.

I'm tired of feeling like the only one in the world that has these values. & that, is what makes me feel so alone.