Sunday, January 9, 2011

sever.ed stitches

I'm beginning to wonder exactly how much of being in love is created in our own minds. they say you cant help who you love. I wonder if you can? far be it for me to claim I know anything about love these days except for how I believe its supposed to feel. lately I've fallen in love with the idea of being in love, with being wanted. once again stemming from my feelings of rejection from my last relationship. an infatuated affection from someone makes me feel so amazing I start to think I have feelings for them. but this only lasts a few days, maybe a week or so.. how did I become so focused on love when its the last thing I want to focus on. seems my heart has a mind of its own..

I know now that I am ok with being alone, that I dont need a relationship for approval of self or any kind of validation, I'm not codependent. maybe it comes from my introversion, only being able to connect with very few.. maybe its just a want to be wanted. thats why I wonder if these new feelings I'm having are just a manifestation of that. maybe its made me feel so good to be endlessly adored & loved by someone that I've created these feelings in my head. I say this only because had you asked me last week how I felt about this person I would have answered 'he's wonderful but I dont feel he can give me what I need intellectually, spiritually & emotionally.' but today we havnt spoken in 2 days, & it feels very different. I miss him more than I ever expected to.

so when do I get to find out if any of the feelings I have for anyone are real or not? stupid fucking heart..

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