...

I was gonna post something like

if I don't feel I can truly feel myself with anyone, does that mean I have to be myself, with myself..more?

then I remembered, if anyone read it & did care, I'm sure theyre tired of poor little broken hearted dark girl. searching for herself, sense of belonging & peace.

I'm tired of her.


embrace your quirks. they make you unique & precious. what if I dont want to feel so unique?

fuck it. internalize. whatever.


it was odd to see him yesterday. in all honestly I look back now & feel like a little frightened child running from my emotional schoolyard bully. now it seems almost like a dream. the one person I had loved more than anything, he knew me. not like anyone else does. & all I could do turn & walk away in fear. half hoping he didnt see me. like he would know it was me & I could be so casual to just wave & be all 'just stoppin by cuz I was around the area' with him as it seems after everything he actually could be with me..


I'm tired of being the only one that gives a shit.





even after I shut everything else out, this will forever be the one place I can hope to put my thoughts & feelings & have them mean something, to someone, anyone, one day.

...everyone has to have some kinda of blind faith..right? ?


...

robert & I.

when I found this picture tonight it made me both happy & sad. sad for letting go in way, sad cuz I miss my friend in him. I'm at a point where I can be happy with the good memories & try to let go of the bad. pain serves me not. as freeing as that may be its still not enough for me to contact him again. ....

I dont like it tbh & normally I would never post unedited photos (couldnt get it to look right. my eyes are too squinty & it looks like I could be a beaver. :F my nose.... >< :/) but these moments were the epitome of happiness for me. (at the time) I found a freedom in his friendship. one I need to now find in myself. its that zen spot if you will. absolute being. he helped me to open up places in myself I didnt know existed. I'm learning to live in those spots..

he was a great friend, one of the best, & even after everything... I really miss that.








I add this one... cuz I can..

it took the death of hope to let you go..

'The greatest irony of all time is loving the right person at the wrong time.'