I miss poetry, friends, time with my daughter, mom & bf. I miss my safe zones. they equal spiritual death.. I know. but it was easier. the best things in life are hard learnt, yes?

today has been quite the day.. & I must say, in spite of some less than favorable interactions.. I am pleasantly pleased with the direction my life is headed. its been quite the year, with the loss of several close friends, unemployment leading to depression & spiritual lacking.. things have taken a great turn.

starting my new job tuesday. its been such a long time since I've really felt like myself. this last week or so.. I 'spose I have hitting bottom emotionally to thank really. it sent me into a constant meditative state. more present than I've been in months. my spirit happier, my heart lighter..I havnt felt this good about myself in quite some time. newtons law being what it may, theres nothing that could bring me down now. I'm stronger than I ever was before. I'm looking forward to start work, regaining my independence & even starting school in a few months. the ideas I've had in my head of what I wanted my life to be only seemed like fantasy for so long.

I've found more love for myself than I've ever had in the past. I must give partial credit to the love of a wonderful man for that as well..

I'm excited for what the next few years will bring.





haters gonna hate.



&

I read somewhere that if youre tired of attracting the same kinds of people in your life that you need to forgive yourself for doing so.

after a while, the solitude becomes your friend.

“If you hold back on the emotions–if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them—you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. I thought about how often this was needed in every day life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don’t let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry.. Or how feel a surge of love for a partner but we don’t say anything because we’re frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship”
— Morrie Schwartz

“Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.”

People with AvPD are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.

Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection
Self-imposed social isolation
Extreme shyness in social situations, though feels a strong desire for close relationships
Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
Avoids interpersonal relationships
Feelings of inadequacy
Severe low self-esteem
Self loathing
Mistrust of others
Extreme shyness/timidity
Emotional distancing related to intimacy
Highly self-conscious
Self-critical about their problems relating to others
Problems in occupational functioning
Lonely self-perception
Feeling inferior to others

*sighs*

there isnt much that keeps me afloat lately. with the bf off to work today & my daughter still at her fathers I'm already fighting the loneliness, feelings of uselessness. he's one of the only things helping to keep my head above water right now. I know I need to find this balance in myself, but more & more over the past few months I'm having trouble doing so. not looking forward to this day..

“People fall so in love with their pain, they can’t leave it behind. The same as the stories they tell. We trap ourselves.”
— Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk

“A hundred times I wanted to kill myself, but always I loved life more. This ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our worst instincts; is anything more stupid than choosing to carry a burden that really one wants to cast on the ground? to hold existence in horror, and yet to cling to it? to fondle the serpent which devours us till it has eaten out our heart?”
— Candide of Voltaire

inside, I'm screaming.

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
— Louise Erdrich

SƂUIꞍʇ ʇⱯ ʞOOן NOʎ ʎⱯʍ ƎꞍʇ ƎƂUⱯꞍƆ Oʇ ʇOƂ ƎɅ,NOʎ

use your strength to meet whatever is coming your way. be as committed & passionate about spirituality as you can be. strength is the foundation for passion, & you were designed to survive & thrive no matter how life unfolds. be strong today in that knowledge. ~ Deepak Chopra

from this moment on I vow to spend my time with my nose buried in books, constantly in spiritual ascension. I promise to love myself more, be more forgiving of my flaws & imperfections. to remember storms will pass. to live & breathe love. if my life is never remembered after this mortal existence has ceased, my love & passion will be dispersed throughout the universe for the greater good of mankind..

I will love with everything in me.. no matter the risk..