what I want & what I deserve.

my heart is fucking breaking here.. I say breaking instead of broken cuz every morning I wake up all I want to do is cry. in mourning for my friendship, for my relationship, my heart.. in mourning for the person I thought he was.. I've grown weary of spending my days alone.. & have begun to wonder whats healthier, whats more important.. a no longer friend suggested one day I needed to learn to love whats good for me. maybe he was right.. maybe this ethereal connection I've felt was all something I manifested because of my emotions. my ex says it was real cuz he felt it too, but if it was real, how in the fuck do you just flip a switch & shut it off? cuz thats what he did. completely shut himself off to me romantically just like that. self preservation or not, thats not something you do when you love someone. or should be capable of doing anyway. oh wtf, maybe I'm wrong. seems all I've ever been is wrong when it comes to love. I dont want to be alone anymore, I want someone to share myself & my time left on this earth with. theres a part of me inside dying at the thought of ever being with someone else, let alone with someone I didnt feel all those things with. but if this new man loves me, cares for me.. how much more do I really need, right?? ... I guess one of the perks of dating someone cold enough to just shut themselves off like that is you're able to learn how do to it for yourself. I hope the learning comes fast.. I cant keep waking up & bursting into tears cuz of him. cuz I miss him.. love him... or at least, the man I thought he was.. it hurts so much I can feel it physically in my chest.. somewhere in me it hardens, becomes numb, & breaks me just like it did him.. if these feelings I'm having are the reason people shut themselves off & become numb to their hearts, I spose I understand..

theres a part of me that has the universe to give to the right man.. & I feel I deserve that in return.

I hope that part doesnt die off completely. though honestly.. I'm sure it'd be less painful if it did..