“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
— Louise Erdrich

In the innermost recess of your heart there is a reservoir of peace where you must take refuge. ~ Sai Baba

happy freakin 4th

sometimes I'm not sure we know how much we're living in the past by missing things so deeply..

I feel as though I was robbed in a way, thinking of all the wonderful experiences I will miss out on by not having robert in my life. I miss him so much. the friendship we had, the closeness. the way he genuinely cared. the way he knew me..

I feel betrayed by james for the way he acted yesterday.. the things he accused me of.. saying I used him, calling me a liar, an emotional slut. after a year of a rocky friendship, I still kept him closer than most people.. & for him to show who he really is yesterday, this bitter, angry person.. so quick to lash out by saying & doing the things he knew would hurt me the most.. as well as he claimed to know me, to understand me.. to really think I could be capable of such.. maliciousness.. turns out he didnt know me at all. I just dont even have that in me.. I miss the man I thought he was. because this hurtful, insecure little boy.. was not who I loved. asshole..

how does one keep up hope for humanity when nothing/nobody is who they appear or present themselves to be..

I will always want for things to be as they were with both of them. when we were at our best. sure I have associates, people that I can be real & comfortable with.. but when you see these people maybe once every few months, never text or call.. are those really friends? with my 2 best friends bruce & aaron both across the states... idk.. I feel like when james & robert left they took pieces of me with them.. is that normal? I 'spose it may be..

robert & I.

when I found this picture tonight it made me both happy & sad. sad for letting go in way, sad cuz I miss my friend in him. I'm at a point where I can be happy with the good memories & try to let go of the bad. pain serves me not. as freeing as that may be its still not enough for me to contact him again. ....

I dont like it tbh & normally I would never post unedited photos (couldnt get it to look right. my eyes are too squinty & it looks like I could be a beaver. :F my nose.... >< :/) but these moments were the epitome of happiness for me. (at the time) I found a freedom in his friendship. one I need to now find in myself. its that zen spot if you will. absolute being. he helped me to open up places in myself I didnt know existed. I'm learning to live in those spots..

he was a great friend, one of the best, & even after everything... I really miss that.








I add this one... cuz I can..

one of the last times I saw my ex he said to me 'youre naked before you even take your clothes off.' ....

this past week or so is the best I've felt since everything happened. I've been happy, felt alive.

the idea of being completely exposed to someone is more terrifying than I ever imagined. but he was right. who I am now.. is completely naked. the parts like this, the ones that hurt that I dont want anyone to see, theyre there, open in my eyes & even with as protected as I try to keep myself.

it seems like the world has forgotten how to be honest, to be real. everyone is so surface level, hiding behind their masks. its safer that way I spose. people harden.

sometimes I wish I could. maybe the idea of putting myself out there for love wouldnt be so.. .... ...makes me feel like the bubble boy. too fragile maybe. too open & too honest & too real. never thought I'd look at it as being too real..

I'm feeling so vulnerable & pretty scared at how easily my heart could be crushed again..

tonight is the first time I cried over everything in a while.. ok maybe a week or so. hell its hard to remember how long it was ago.. I just kinda pushed it all away to be able to deal. as hard as it is tonight to be back in this place I know it wont last. it helps me to let go & move on. & in a way, the tears are freeing..

life.

its happening for you, not to you. create your reality.

what is it about the human condition that causes us to crave emotional pain? & what happens when in doing so it becomes a sabotaging of one's self? is a reconditioning of mind in order? what if upon awakening we discover our strife is all self inflicted? pain is inevitable. suffering is optional.

I had a few moments of peace yesterday..

say hell~o to me. xx

...

I 'spose I dont mind the pain so much. it reminds me I'm still alive..

no one has ever shaken me quite like this..

heaven awaits.

finally.. after 8 months I am at peace. a 4 hour call, some vintage emotions & a broken innocence splayed before me.. finally.. I can just breathe.

love is precious. love is life. shattered souls are too common these days. hopefully one day they will find peace. until then, my heart aches for you..

in the ruins of vanity

there was a time he was the all around never ending of me
the upside of down in me..
I used to bend myself beautiful in pretty words & a lover's hope..
I'd leave my heart written on dying stars
crimsoned in flames,
coiled in my love
scattered in miles of heavens he'd never look up to see

I was left barely there
standing naked, dressed in silence before the storm
...if only I had loved myself that way...

I have found life since then
scribbled on the sides of mystic moons
& cavernous pains
free from ego stained trappings
splayed in naked innocence
& severed stitches..

breaking away from me.

my condition does not confine nor define me.

Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect: it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections. ~ Buddhist Teaching

"When you're inspired, your heart sings in appreciation for every breath; and you're tolerant, joyful, and loving." - Dr. Wayne Dye

(sub)conscious musings

stuck stuck stuck. how can it be so easy to be aware of my awareness & ability to make the conscious shift from an anxiety ridden, self pitying mess with agoraphobic tendencies to being at complete peace, cuz when I'm down I feel so helpless, like my world is collapsing inward.

I was told once I needed to be able to look at myself like my best friend. would I be so critical & quick to judge then? would I obsess about how when I smile one eye always closes more than the other? or how my head is too big & my ears & nose make me look mousy? or would I learn to accept & love these things like a real friend should?

today my soul was at ease. a tranquility I'm hoping projects onto others in my presence. so 1 outta 7 isnt bad. at least I have that.

hell~o me, its me again.

I never wanted to exist just to exist. something shifted in me today when I realized this.. static.. I've felt it for years. an isolated mind in a world full of apathetic billions. somehow it helped to put me at ease a bit. but sadly this 'closing in' feeling is nothing new.

the death of the worlds perception is the beginning of reality..

the ego dwells in the subconscious, the negative thought process. its cancerous to the soul. are you present enough feel the self pity manifesting into physical pain? like the cold steel of a knife twisting between shoulder blades. sometimes its a thick black liquid smoke boiling up inside of you. pay attention to this shift. your conscious breath will bleed out that dark energy. remember to meditate for balance.

self preservation is a bitch

we're all born with Hope, but some remove it for self-protection ~ Brian Carlin

http://theprimate.wordpress.com/