hell~o bulimia, my old friend

its been a long time.. since the year before last since I've relapsed. today has been an emotional day. (theres the part where my bf laughs. cuz how many days havnt been emotional for me over the past few months..)

I dont know what happened honestly. maybe it the universe throwing me not being able to get a job in my face. maybe it was talking to my ex today.. with reminders of how I still think of him every damn day. & how it seems like now, when once I was his everything, that I may only cross his mind from time to time. or maybe its being at my bfs house alone tonight while he's out with his friends, me being sad & jealous that I dont have people to be spending my weekend with.

here I am.. alone.. & all I want to do is return to old habits. I've been eating today to fill an emotional void. now all I want to do is purge. I'm trying to stay in control, to be strong about this. but I cant help but to remember 2 years ago, when no matter what was going on in my life, how out of control everything was, purging was the one thing that made me feel in control.

I'm being strong. but I cant help but to feel ashamed of my binge eating. I feel.. so gross. but I'll be fucking damned if I cry another tear today.. not over this. I've cried too much in the past few months.

if I eat any more I'm going to make myself sick.

I'm stronger than this.

I have to be.