Tuesday, September 6, 2011

so if the universe gives us whatever experience necessary for the evolution of our consciousness, I have to continue to believe that every person I come across plays a certain role in that. even if their time in my life is short.

james, you saved my life. for that, the debt I owe you can never be repaid. but I'm not going to play this stupid highschooler bullshit. posting stuff on fb & personal details on blogs. its childish & I'm over it. I'm not out to hurt you. but all this 'friendship' does is hurt the both of us. its a negative energy that bruises my soul & leaves me stressed & crying more times than not. if it honestly helps you to heal from your pain to believe I'm such a terrible person who just emotionally fucked you.. then best of luck with that. but I cant have this shadow hanging over my head. true we might not have been very close in the past but all I've done is everything in my power to help you. open up my home to you.. you said when you had your accident I was the only there, worried & trying to find out if you were ok. why cant you remember these things when you get lost in the darkness of your pain, thinking all I was ever trying to do was mind fuck you. ask yourself what did I really have to gain? after that night I spent with you that I had to confess to robert about you should know that I just dont have those kinds of things in me. it wasnt cuz he had some control over me, was manipulating or threatening me. its cuz I have a conscious. especially when it comes to people I care about. you *know* this about me.

I hope one day once you get past your pain you can look back on things with you & I & find the beauty something. whether its the way it was the first time you had felt something in so long, the passion we shared, or new ideas, concepts or beliefs that were formed that benefit you in the future.

until then.. but now our time has past.

so call it me giving up. me not taking the bad with the good or not accepting you as a whole. whatever you call, I'm done with it. I wont speak badly of you. I dont think badly of you. I just know theres nothing I can do to make this any better than it is. so yea, I wanted the friend option. but when you say things like that on your fb, knowing most people close enough to you know who I am, hell even a fucking bartender you hardly know you tell about me, who said as you quoted 'she sounds fucking crazy' then yes, that makes me done.

theres a part inside of me that hurts so much for you. it hurts for all the things you think of me that I'm not. & I'll tell you after hearing things like that again & again, people constantly flipping the fuck out, thinking I'm out to get them, it fucks with your head after awhile.

I know I cant make your pain my own.

dont think I wont think of you every single day for a very long time.

I'm sorry for everything, but this is just the way it has to be.


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