I can no longer say I love you with the numbness of my tongue,
nor the absence of my heart..

so my niece that I worked with at my last job got laid off last week. I havnt worked in months. today she already has a job. F.M.L.

I just want to crawl in a hole & disappear.

everyone, even the bf seems to think its soo fucking easy. 'have you even tried?' he asks me. which makes me feel like even though he knows me better than anyone, not even he understands where I am right now. I've tried. I've spent hours online putting in applications for minimum wage pos jobs. for nothing. only promises of interviews that never happen.

he doesnt understand what its like to be so depressed you just become lost in this hopelessness. ...every time I've gotten my hopes up about a job I just get knocked down. I feel useless.. worthless..

the last couple days have been the best I've felt in months. only to end up here again.

'why cant you be happy with what you have?' everyone says.

some days.. I cant bring myself to do anything other than sleep. just because I dont want to face my reality.

I'm trying to create my own. the best I fucking can. but no one sees that. they all just see what I'm not doing.

he doesnt get it.. nobody gets it..

I feel like I'm drowning..

this year & the last couple months especially have prepared me for so much. its carved a spot of loneliness in my heart that feels more familiar now than it does painful. the last few years have been leading to this, something big, something drastic. I just wish I knew what. I'm ready for a new me.



30 Seconds To Mars ~ Capricorn (A Brand New Name)

So I run, hide and tear myself up
Start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

I will disappear
I told you once and I'll say it again
I want my message read clear
I'll show you the way, the way I'm going

So I run, and hide and tear myself up
Start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

I was almost there
Just a moment away from becoming unclear
Ever get the feeling you're gone
I'll show you the way, the way I'm going

So I run, and hide and tear myself up
I'll start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

So I run, start again
With a brand new name
With a brand new name

So I run and hide and tear myself up (so I run)
I'll start again with a brand new name (start again)
And eyes that see into infinity (with a brand new name)

I will disappear

At conflict, when reality is the nightmare..

I miss you so much.. the loss of your presence from my life is more than painfully noticeable. its all I can do to let you go & hope you find your peace.. if it was truly the last time we'll ever speak.. my heart breaks.. & I'll miss you every single damn day.. I'm sorry I couldnt be what you wanted.. I love you so much..

you were the only real friend I had left......