text from my bf on his way outa the states

'my life is so entwined with yours. I feel like it is the beating of your heart that fills my veins.'

how could I ever need anything else..

there is no one that has carved a spot in my heart quite like you have..

I love you.

sometimes I forget how to fly..

there hasnt been many times in my life in which people that have come along have made me feel so.. nourished, on every level.

...earlier today I was in my bfs room about to log on & blog about how horrible I was feeling about my social anxiety. how it was affecting not only me, but now him as well. he had asked me to go to lunch with him & his father. this equaled instant panic mode for me. I've had the bare minimum of interaction with his father the days that I have been here. severe social anxiety & along with being easily intimidated by strong male figures has not made it very easy at times to be in this situation. he came downstairs right as I sat down & as usual wouldnt take just an excuse for my feelings. he asked me if I trusted him. after replying yes he told me he loved me & that he would never put me in a situation that would be emotionally damaging. reminded me in my own words that I wouldnt be going through this if I didnt need to, if there wasnt something to learn. to look at it as an opportunity for growth. after confessing what he already knows; how much I hate being this way, how low it makes me feel, how ashamed I am to be this way, how sorry I was.. & after convincing myself there was no way in hell I was going to go, that I'd rather run & hide from my demons like I have for so many years, than fight them face to face.. I reluctantly agreed. he told me never to apologize for who I was, that I would feel better after pushing through this. I, on the verge of tears disagreed. & honestly I'm not sure what made me go.. the fact that I cant see myself ever being without him, that this meeting & hanging out with his family thing is something I will have to get over if I ever expect things to be permanent between us. maybe somewhere inside me I knew that all he wants is for me to be happy. & that even though I said I would have felt better running & hiding, he knew that I would have spent the next few hours beating myself up in disappointment of my failure. ...he was right. I feel more at peace now than my fear would have allowed me to see.

never in my life would I have imagined I could find a man so.. perfect. the way he loves me, encourages me, feeds me emotionally, mentally & spiritually. I look at him & am still blown away by the depths of my love for him. I couldnt be happier. nor could I ask for more..

thank you for everything you do for me baby. all of your support. I'm going to miss you so much while youre gone. know that you take my heart with you when you go. I love you. <3 x

machine head ~ descend the shades of night

all our hate is a product of the world we created.

Davola ~ One Second Of Clarity

it feels like I've died 100,000 different times
I rise again but these scars of mine begin to show
(just leave the tag upon my toe..)

I hope it doesnt haunt you like it has me..

The Ocean ~ Rhyacian

I'm swooping with the vast span of my wings
Into the death-throes of my memory: the eternal scourge of the human mind
I'm wandering in times which are not mine

'intimate activity intricately entwines the auric energies between two people. Sex creates a powerful exchange of auric energy between those involved. These connections and debris are left upon the aura for a long time because they are not easily cleansed or balanced. ‘Casual sex’ with a lot of people can entwine the energies of a lot of people into your own aura if they are not severed and cleansed. This type of cluttered aura can be felt by other people aware of the subtle energies.

the longer and more intimate the contact with another person, the more powerful the interactions of the auric fields become and the harder it is for these connections to untangle and leave.'

you turned out to be everything you promised me you'd never be.. thats what hurts more than anything..

you told me she said she thought she was more attractive than you... you are such a beautiful soul... she could only hope to be able to compare to you one day..

birthing chaos
in the blackening gray, velvet spiral of a vortex
I am alone

maybe I'm better off this way..

Fuel - Hemorrhage

Memories are just where you laid them
Drag the waters ’till the depths give up their dead
What did you expect to find?
Was there something you left behind?
Don’t you remember anything I said when I said

Don’t fall away, and leave me to myself
Don’t fall away and leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding

Oh hold me now I feel contagious
Am I the only place that you’ve left to go
She cries her life is like
Some movie black and white
Dead actors faking lines
Over and over and over again she cries

Don’t fall away, and leave me to myself
Dont fall away, and leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding

And I wanted
You turned away
You don’t remember, but I do
You never even tried

Don’t fall away and leave me to myself
Don’t fall away and leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding
In my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding

Devildriver - Horn Of Betrayal

What the fuck do you want from me?
It's so damn plain to see that you're not grateful
Silence takes courage
No scars, no truth but the wounds tell the story
Of what will be done for honor and glory
Silence is deafening
Does the end justify the means?
In all honesty, how do you sleep?
Silence takes courage
The horn of betrayal
Sounds loudly for the fallen
While mine eyes are world away
Watch cowards as they bend the knee
Scratch a liar
Find a thief
inside is where the demon dwells
So I bite my tongue and when it comes to you
Silence takes courage
Your heart needs amputation
Crying the get-lost blues
Fuck you!
Silence is deafening
The horn of betrayal
Sounds loudly for the fallen
While mine eyes are world away
Watch cowards as they bend the knee
Scratch a liar
Find a thief
Through the lies and the blasphemy
You are fucking dead to me
You are dead to me
This de los muerte, this day of the dead It turns for me celebration instead
Skull and Bones, walking away from the throne
To seek another kingdom
(another kingdom)
(another kingdom)
(another kingdom)
Your selfless heart
Your selfless
Waves of sorrow washed over me
Your selfless
Like a sea of new memories

I begin where you folded yourself into me ~ in fraying echoes of lilac & stardust ~ burning to exist between hope & a dream

Had you of taken the time to heal like you said you needed to (the entire reason you broke up with me..) then I wouldn't be so upset. I understand your loneliness, this most likely being the reason you've decided to put yourself back out there.. But by doing so you not only betray me but you betray yourself. Your need for constant distraction is you hiding in fear from something. Your hatred for being alone is a fear of really facing yourself and your pain. Sometimes you have to rip open those wounds and crawl around inside them, in the darkness, because once the bleeding starts the healing can begin.

I mourn for the pieces of me that will never know anything other than your name.

You never deserved my heart.

I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it.

I mean really, how the fuck did you think I'd feel?

“Death is a natural part of life. Rejoice for those around you who transform into the Force. Mourn them do not. Miss them do not. Attachment leads to jealously. The shadow of greed, that is.”
— Yoda

fuck you for that.

I could die tomorrow & because of love, your love, I will have known what it truly means to live..

life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.

“He who tries to forget a woman, never loved her.”
~ Unknown

“There are many like you- that have chosen to walk the spiritual path, many of you have chosen to quietly light the path for others to follow. You are the ones who will walk on the path. Take the light when it is offered to you without guilt. It is in your Plan.

Do not be afraid. Let go of your fears. Walk fearlessly as you are protected. We are always with you, watching over you. You are never ever alone. Remember also that you carry within you the knowledge of this – and as you walk the path you will merely be remembering your contracts. Within your sub conscious, on your soul the Plan is imprinted. This journey on earth is only a short part of your journey towards the Divine.

As you raise your vibrations and of those around you, you dance in the light of the Divine. Feel the joy already, my little ones. Feel the joy, feel the love. Allow it to enthuse you, excite you, give you energy.

You are all channels. Yes, but you my dear, are hearing us because you have chosen to listen. Anyone can choose to listen. We will communicate with anyone who chooses to listen, who chooses to believe.”

“When does real love begin? At first it was a fire, eclipses, short circuits, lightning and fireworks; then incense, hammocks, drugs, wines, perfumes; then spasm and honey, fever, fatigue, warmth, currents of liquid fire, feast and orgies; then dreams, visions, candlelight, flowers, pictures; then images out of the past, fairy tales, stories, then pages out of a book, a poem; then laughter, then chastity. At what moment does the knife would sink so deep that the flesh begins to weep with love? At first power, power, then the wound, and love, and love and fears, and the loss of the self, and the gift, and slavery. At first I ruled, loved less; then more, then slavery. Slavery to his image, his odor, the craving, the hunger, the thirst, the obsession.”
— Anais Nin

wtf

so not even 3 months seems to be the average time to go from breaking up with me (even though you were supposedly so in love with me) cuz you need to find yourself, heal, cant be in a relationship etc fucking etc, to putting yourself on dating sites & even ending up in relationships. 3 fucking months. gawd dammit I wish this didnt bother me so much. I feel like I was lied to, back-stabbed... why do I feel so betrayed? ...

it hurts. alot.



why wasnt I enough? ...

I would wait for you on eternity's edge..

I didnt know he rly existed..

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in track pants, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU… The one who turns to his friends and says, “thats her”….” - Harry Tottszer

goo goo dolls ~ iris

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am

would you ever just not love someone cuz you knew that losing them would rip you to pieces? ..

just the thought feels cowardly..

but how do you not invest everything into love? into the hopes & dreams of a forever? ... the people I've had in my life that *really* knew me.. have been so few & far between that I can count them on less than 5 fingers. so to find a man I feel I can share everything about me with without fear of being judged or misunderstood.. I feel truly blessed.

he's the only person I feel I can be that way with. so what happens if it doesnt work out? ... shattered doesnt even begin to cover it.. I go back to a feeling of wondering if I'm always feeling like nobody knows me, really understands all of me, then does that mean maybe I should know me better? to avoid such despair at the possible end of my relationship? over the last year or so its been the only conclusion I've been able to come to..

the possibilities of what I could lose are far greater than they've ever been..

“I think I fell in love with her, a little bit. Isn’t that dumb? But it was like I knew her. Like she was my oldest, dearest friend. The kind of person you can tell anything to, no matter how bad, and they’ll still love you, because they know you. I wanted to go with her. I wanted her to notice me. And then she stopped walking. Under the moon, she stopped. And looked at us. She looked at me. Maybe she was trying to tell me something; I don’t know. She probably didn’t even know I was there. But I’ll always love her. All my life.”
— Brant Tucker

She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon.

You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. passion flows through her like a river of blood.

She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here.

-Neil Gaiman

fights over nothing (or when you dont even know why youre fighting or why the other person is upset) are possibly one of the stupidest things ever. you both are too prideful or what ever the fuck to reach out more than you have. & secretly youre wishing the other person will, cuz you dont know how & cant bring yourself to. ... but they dont. cuz they dont know how either.

dumb.

communion.

& yet.. at times I still feel helpless
childlike in rags & ruins
forgotten in the daze of existence

...he was born of silvered reveries
featherless wings of fallen angels
hellbent on living for love
...or dying

& he knows me as love
a dizzy chaotic of earth & heavens
rapture & life

he is the moth & I am fire
he is breath.less
I am.. less
less than a woman who wakes knowing this.. mortal shell is merely a soul's vessel
who knows that love saves..
& kills

that death.. is rebirth..
divinity
...sweet insanity

I feel as though I've lost the right to call myself a poet..

what I should have said, 3 months ago..

you dont get to hurt over things when youre the one that let me go..

the man I once loved is dead. I've been fighting to separate the man I fell in love with from the man he is now. the man he is now is so.. emotionally fucked, damaged. I see that now more than I ever have. he wants to dwell in his insanity.. the man I loved was in pain, but not.. not like he is now.. my heart breaks for him..

I look forward to the day I can completely separate those two. maybe then he & I can be friends again. til then.. I miss him. at least.. who I thought he was.. I dont long for the love that we had but the closeness, the friendship..

some things just arnt meant to be..

this.

I'm having trouble leaving my apt again today.. my anxiety is the worst its been in.. as long as I can remember..

love.

a lifetime would not be enough..

I am perfectly imperfect, beautiful in my flaws, sure of my insecurities, absolute chaos.. a beautiful disaster. ~ C.S.C. Blanche

those trees are not just trees; they are my lungs. those rivers are not just rivers; they are my circulation. this earth is my body, this air is my breath, and the fire in my heart is the fire in the stars.

I really dont know how I came to be so damn lucky..

one of these days I will make it out of my apt in that dress I swear..

“But love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand-new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness. The moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us. And to save us.” ~ Paulo Coelho

this is my heart damnit. you didnt care enough to love it so you walked away. remember when I said he would never walk away? he would never just let me leave. that automatically makes him more worthy of my heart than you. you're no longer welcome in here. please leave.

“The most spiritual men, as the strongest, find their happiness where others would find their destruction: in the labyrinth, in hardness against themselves and others, in experiments. Their joy is self-conquest. Difficult tasks are a privilege to them; to play with burdens that crush others, a recreation. They are the most venerable kind of man: that does not preclude their being the most cheerful and the kindliest.” ~ Friedrich Nietzche

“You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart." ~ Adrian Tan

the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘awww!’. ~ jack kerouac

Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it’s yours. ~ Ayn Rand

“I write differently from what I speak, I speak differently from what I think, I think differently from the way I ought to think, and so it all proceeds into deepest darkness.” ~ Franz Kafka

wasting the dawn
he leaves me fire white & breathless
with pretty insecurities
tangled in heartdreams
& whispers promises of a forever painted feverishly in the gasps of our passion..

I can't judge any of you. I have no malice against you and no ribbons for you. But I think that it is high time that you all start looking at yourselves, and judging the lie that you live in. ~ Charles Manson

Fall in love. Love is the only redeeming force. Love is the saviour. ~ Osho

What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the innermost recess of your heart there is a reservoir of peace where you must take refuge. ~ Sai Baba

this.

no.where (taphophilia)

manito

by me

If a mind perceives without love, it perceives an empty shell and is unaware of the spirit within. ~ Eckhart Tolle

happy freakin 4th

sometimes I'm not sure we know how much we're living in the past by missing things so deeply..

I feel as though I was robbed in a way, thinking of all the wonderful experiences I will miss out on by not having robert in my life. I miss him so much. the friendship we had, the closeness. the way he genuinely cared. the way he knew me..

I feel betrayed by james for the way he acted yesterday.. the things he accused me of.. saying I used him, calling me a liar, an emotional slut. after a year of a rocky friendship, I still kept him closer than most people.. & for him to show who he really is yesterday, this bitter, angry person.. so quick to lash out by saying & doing the things he knew would hurt me the most.. as well as he claimed to know me, to understand me.. to really think I could be capable of such.. maliciousness.. turns out he didnt know me at all. I just dont even have that in me.. I miss the man I thought he was. because this hurtful, insecure little boy.. was not who I loved. asshole..

how does one keep up hope for humanity when nothing/nobody is who they appear or present themselves to be..

I will always want for things to be as they were with both of them. when we were at our best. sure I have associates, people that I can be real & comfortable with.. but when you see these people maybe once every few months, never text or call.. are those really friends? with my 2 best friends bruce & aaron both across the states... idk.. I feel like when james & robert left they took pieces of me with them.. is that normal? I 'spose it may be..

otep ~ invisible

Dress like we do,
Speak like we do,
Think like we do.

Obey..

Beneath the cold sun
Watching you walk away
Where my terror runs
In rivers so decayed

I am invisible...
I'm in this room for days...
Teeth on every wall...
That never go away.

I'm made of blades and flame...
I'm sick and dangerous...
You're my favorite prey
'Cause I hurt the ones I love.

You're so lovely when you cry.
You're so perfect when you lie.
You can be my crucifix,
Hold me up to watch me die.

Can't you see?
I'm invisible...

Beneath the Pagan moon
One more prey dies today.
On sheets of flesh and doom
Shivering in endless shade like criminals...
The stain still remains
And I promise you, it never goes away.

You're so lovely when you cry.
You're so perfect when you lie.
You can be my crucifix,
Hold me up to watch me die.

Behold,
Feast your eyes as the peripherals explode.

Can you see me now? [2x]

The ugly will resign
When the young blood eats the light.
And one day,
This pain could save your life.

You're so lovely when you cry.
You're so perfect when you lie.
You can be my crucifix,
Hold me up to watch me die.

Living in the shelter,
Lying here alive...
We're painting submission
Across the shadowed sky...

Fire on the sides,
Burned and bright, has arrived
Lost in flight, on golden molted wings.

Now do you see? [2x]

Now do you...

Now do you see?

this.

she is beautiful. & even more so because she feels beautiful. that is love right there..

...

this.. will hurt every day.. for a very long time..

“This is what you shall do; Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body.” ~ Walt Whitman

james.

fuck you fuck you fuck you. you hurtful insensitive fucking asshole. your life will continue to be a lonely one..

quit wasting my fucking time.

done.

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These people have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. They are the beautiful angels living among us. ~ Elizabeth Kubler Ross

fear & loathing

'We are all wired into a survival trip now. No more of the speed that fueled that 60's. That was the fatal flaw in Tim Leary's trip. He crashed around America selling "consciousness expansion" without ever giving a thought to the grim meat-hook realities that were lying in wait for all the people who took him seriously... All those pathetically eager acid freaks who thought they could buy Peace and Understanding for three bucks a hit. But their loss and failure is ours too. What Leary took down with him was the central illusion of a whole life-style that he helped create... a generation of permanent cripples, failed seekers, who never understood the essential old-mystic fallacy of the Acid Culture: the desperate assumption that somebody... or at least some force - is tending the light at the end of the tunnel.'

Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them—if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry. ~ J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

prism'd
under ancient spirals of light
I am earth
I am hope
I am love
I am omnipresent
I am

I am infinite. I am.

his breath folded eternity onto my lips..

...he left my love to die in the mo(u)rning light
as if I was only meant to be no more than a memory
my tired eyes glazed in onyx corseted fire
shattered in whispers
scarlet lips humming in the tones of black

time colors the perception of memory

Power, Freedom & Grace. chapter 2 - who am I?

we are infinite consciousness with a localized point of view. & yet our whole system of thought divides the observer from the observed; it divides the infinite consciousness into a world of objects separated by space & time. the intellect imprisons us in a cage of fictitious images, a suffocating web of space, time & causation. as a result we lose touch with the true nature of our reality, which is powerful, immortal & free.

we are all prisoners of the intellect. & the intellect's mistake in one simple sentence is this: It mistakes the image of reality for reality itself. it squeezes the soul into the volume of a body, into the span of a lifetime, & the spell of mortality is cast. the image of the self overshadows the unbounded Self, & we feel cut off or disconnected from infinite consciousness, our source. this is the beginning of fear, the onset of suffering, & all of the problems of humanity, from our minor insecurities to our major catastrophes, such as war, terrorism, & all other acts of human degradation. to one who is trapped in the prison of the intellect, all is indeed suffering. but the cause of suffering can be adverted. ignorance of our real nature causes the inner self to be obscured, but when ignorance is destroyed, the powerful, unbounded nature of the inner self is revealed.