Saturday, July 30, 2011

sometimes I forget how to fly..

there hasnt been many times in my life in which people that have come along have made me feel so.. nourished, on every level.

...earlier today I was in my bfs room about to log on & blog about how horrible I was feeling about my social anxiety. how it was affecting not only me, but now him as well. he had asked me to go to lunch with him & his father. this equaled instant panic mode for me. I've had the bare minimum of interaction with his father the days that I have been here. severe social anxiety & along with being easily intimidated by strong male figures has not made it very easy at times to be in this situation. he came downstairs right as I sat down & as usual wouldnt take just an excuse for my feelings. he asked me if I trusted him. after replying yes he told me he loved me & that he would never put me in a situation that would be emotionally damaging. reminded me in my own words that I wouldnt be going through this if I didnt need to, if there wasnt something to learn. to look at it as an opportunity for growth. after confessing what he already knows; how much I hate being this way, how low it makes me feel, how ashamed I am to be this way, how sorry I was.. & after convincing myself there was no way in hell I was going to go, that I'd rather run & hide from my demons like I have for so many years, than fight them face to face.. I reluctantly agreed. he told me never to apologize for who I was, that I would feel better after pushing through this. I, on the verge of tears disagreed. & honestly I'm not sure what made me go.. the fact that I cant see myself ever being without him, that this meeting & hanging out with his family thing is something I will have to get over if I ever expect things to be permanent between us. maybe somewhere inside me I knew that all he wants is for me to be happy. & that even though I said I would have felt better running & hiding, he knew that I would have spent the next few hours beating myself up in disappointment of my failure. ...he was right. I feel more at peace now than my fear would have allowed me to see.

never in my life would I have imagined I could find a man so.. perfect. the way he loves me, encourages me, feeds me emotionally, mentally & spiritually. I look at him & am still blown away by the depths of my love for him. I couldnt be happier. nor could I ask for more..

thank you for everything you do for me baby. all of your support. I'm going to miss you so much while youre gone. know that you take my heart with you when you go. I love you. <3 x

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