I've never been one of those people who could talk to anyone. I tend to be quite shy & even introverted at times. Alot of that comes my self diagnosis of Avoidant Personality Disorder. Feelings of inadequacy & the fear of being judged or rejected can be so overwhelming it affects me in every aspect of life. Ironic, isn't it? Painfully lonely yet at times paralyzed with fear to the point where all I do is keep to myself. It's kept me from living most of my life, social situations, job opportunities. It almost seems like I've never even looked at life the same as everyone else. Then again, perception isn't reality. I always felt.. different.. Like I was just on some other level; not saying that I'm better than anyone by any means. How do you get used to feeling alone in a room full of people? Maybe it's the same thing as being nervous, as being nervous is a selfish energy because you're making the situation all about you. So I've been told anyways. If we as humans are "programed" to need other people, why is it so hard to admit that? To reach out to another person for comfort.. Probably the same reason why I cant bring myself to sleep in my bed when my daughter isn't home. The couch is the perfect size & there's no extra room to remind me my love is over 1,000 miles away.
I've been struggling to find purpose in my life. The best thing I've been able to come up with is I'm here to share my stories with others, whether it be through my poetry or my new found need to splay myself here for the world to see. To offer comfort, hope, empowerment. With the craziness I've been through I could write a few novels I'm sure. An emotionally unavailable alcoholic of a "father", a 5 year abusive relationship with my daughter's father, not to mention I'm an ex meth addict & have issues with bulimia as well. Pain builds character. I am survivor, never a victim.
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