winter.ed (in) white

dying airs of eden

Kick Ass, eggs & p.b.

so even with stitching open wounds & a new found peace I still am finding things I have to disconnect my love from. things you wouldnt expect to hurt, like a movie you watched together. food, smells.. I think it stems from a leftover sense of rejection. & even while I know now I wasnt rejected, that the unnamed party had too many issues of his own to deal with, theres a part of me thats still attempting to shake it. no one man has ever carved his name on my heart like this. maybe the feeling of rejection is layered with a want for love.. whatever is, I look forward to the day my soul is rid of it completely.

*for those of you following me here, thank you. it means more than you know. although 'articles' like this were more for my sake, to vent really, I do hope I can possibly help someone, anyone to know they are not the only one feeling these ways. comments are always welcome. xx

the gatekeeper

spiritual vagrant, humming in the tones of black
a godless requiem for mute souls
dying stars marble shadows in an artificial night

e.motionless in marbled white

I shouldnt be surprised really.

expectation is the root of all disappointment. am I weeding out the ones who dont understand me & cant nourish me spiritually or I am just pushing everyone away..

I've never been a traditional girl. I write my own rules when it comes to matters of the heart. I am clad in a dreamer's hope, making smoke signals with my beggar's blanket, praying my love will soon follow. Gives a whole new meaning to keeping warm, doesn't it?

heaven awaits.

finally.. after 8 months I am at peace. a 4 hour call, some vintage emotions & a broken innocence splayed before me.. finally.. I can just breathe.

love is precious. love is life. shattered souls are too common these days. hopefully one day they will find peace. until then, my heart aches for you..

eulogy for hope.

one day,
I'll leave my heart somewhere I never loved you,
because I have always loved you..

midnight in the city.

wrong way.

some days

'even the strongest sense of self couldn't wash you off me..'

all I want for christmas

is my heart back..

'with elegies curling up my spine
carving into my mind
that I.. am just an afterthought..'

*excerpt from my piece 'Funeral Dirge'

bruising the skies

I am the mistress of a dying sun
who's maddening shame gave way to black
neath undertones of opium & abandoned
where love is religion, lost in translation

my heart, it still bleeds
on the floor where you left it
neath your selfish shoes

'I pointed out to you the stars and all you saw was the tip of my finger.' ~ African proverb

tell me..

why does the universe still scream your name?..

'does it hurt to feel me feel you?'

be(lie)ve

in the ruins of vanity

there was a time he was the all around never ending of me
the upside of down in me..
I used to bend myself beautiful in pretty words & a lover's hope..
I'd leave my heart written on dying stars
crimsoned in flames,
coiled in my love
scattered in miles of heavens he'd never look up to see

I was left barely there
standing naked, dressed in silence before the storm
...if only I had loved myself that way...

I have found life since then
scribbled on the sides of mystic moons
& cavernous pains
free from ego stained trappings
splayed in naked innocence
& severed stitches..

of lace & scathefire

he stitched himself in the hems of my mind
in the fringe of beautiful disarray
where midnight sprites dance upon ponds of ebony
in the twisting silence of ancient willows
where passion was life..
breath..
in lost reveries of a heart long forgotten
cast aside
for the love of self
for something more..

fragmented, poetic

under shadows of dawn
scarlet twisted & numb
this is where he left me
burning in embers of love, vintage
where autumn weeps
unhinged in a raven's sigh
silent.. & fire white

"What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like beautiful music." ~ Soren Kierkegaard

the tao of silence & white

as if there was a part of me his love had not yet violated
I can still see my reflection in the dark sarcasm of his fading memory

helps me to forget the image of his fingertips touching my lips..

I have been blessed..

in the darkest parts of me I wept in a silence unforgotten
it was him that set my soul free, kisses breathing emerald fire
he taught me love from ancient hymns of passion..

let me lie quiet inside his mind, in the places where habits lead to doubt
where frailty sighs in dying winds
where my heart aches for his touch
in beauty & light
forever, always

atheist prayers & the pardon ov god

of emerald fire

...

why was everything else more important to you than me..?

days a ruinous gray
marbled white in the ashes of dawn
somber spiral of spiritual anarchy, a descent into silence of night
his name a shattered breath on my lips..

cervantes.

days bleed a sobering unconsciousness
razorblade words drip from a self righteous tongue
graffiti'd preconceived notions of love poisons free minds

under sorrow's ashes
ink stains of regret wet my brow
the angels blood spills still

well well.

I think it hurts more than anything to know I still love him. that I still care. when 'sometimes I felt more alone than he had time for.' all these months later.. & for what really? only to be shown the same thing as when we were dating. some things (like a music career) are just more important. emotional obligation is too much for some people.. I guess no matter how close you were, when one person cares more than the other, some friendships you just cant save..

"May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrows wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays." ~Anonymous

...

sick to fuckin death of fake ass selfish rude people. they say you lose the people that are wrong for you to make room in your life for more important ones.. I dont think I've ever felt more alone than I do today..

"What is to give light must endure the burning. " - Victor Frankl

of dusk & twilight

fi.r.e.d.

veil of distance.

dead.en.(e)d

sometimes

I fear the only place I'll ever find love is in my dreams..

stone.d & shadows

apathy.. its nice to see you again.

I stumbled on the line of whats left to be forgotten
& draw hope around the stains that my heart cried
while it lie bleeding at your feet

thank you, universe.

You are ready to take a risk today, but you'll need to be in a spiritual flow before you start something new. You must be convinced that it can add more pleasure to your life. This is a very creative time for you and it's important that you enjoy yourself while expressing your inner artist. You must balance work and play, for now these two are intricately entangled.

...

...fuck my love life.

mo.u.rning.less

jade.d innocence

by ethereal design he found me
fir.e.yed under cancerous ruins of love
shaken, heart in hands
crimsoned shy
soul in its undress
..we set the world aflame

I loved you before..
where angels wept upon broken bones of hope
in valleys of lost spirits
..where sorrow has made its home

be(lie)ve me

no, I dont miss you.

mute.d & ruinous revisited

'Now...don't get it twisted...I speak on acceptance, forgiveness, appreciation and unconditional love, but I do not stand for any churches. I am first and foremost a Humanist, I rebuke anything that would give one cause to kill another in the name of any God.'

isolation.

of veils & ashes

we barely knew eachother then
like tattered paperdolls & broken dreams
you scribbled my pages with whispers of love that made the gods jealous
written with trembling fingers in the gasps of a prayer
so that the only breath I would ever know was yours

I remember in the secrets of my soul I smiled shyly like a school girl
slipped the jaded innocence up slowly over my thighs
rosed. in love
heart in hands

under splintered halos
stealing kisses of angel fire
...you were the boy to save me from my sins

un.spokane