theres nothing more intoxicating than the scent of him still lingering on my skin..

his love makes me feel like an innocent child at a summers eve carnival ~ with a hand full of tickets & a head swimming in the infinite reveries of the universe..

he is my hearts perfection.

I died the moment he wrapped his arms around me. I knew with everything inside me that it was right & even if I never saw him again, it was worth him running under every inch of my skin. through him I feel the universe. our souls fell in motion.. he made stupid jokes to which I replied 'I wish you would just shut up & kiss me already.' he paused like it was everything he had been fighting all night. it was electric. his lips met mine & the world exploded. I had found .... home, in his arms.

'you're naked before you even take your clothes off..'

I am Jacks wasted life.

left screaming.

theres some kind of tragic irony in the fact that every time you get your heartbroken its like tiny little razor blade tornados swirling through the veins of your soul. to your fucking core & you think theres no possible way anything could ever hurt more than this.. until you find the guy thats like, the one. after you thought the last one.. was the one. & hes maybe a combination of fear, self preservation hiding in his little closet of pain where nobody can get to him. if you love this person,to the depths you like you didnt think you could love anyone & theres just a chance that they could change their mind would you take it? your hearts already on the chopping block & theres nothing left to lose right? for love. I dont think its even been two weeks & its been suggested I'm dwelling. is that the same thing as risking this? if he can look me in the face & tell me he doesnt love me.. then I walk away.

I'm doing what I feel is right even if nobody agrees.

my heart is weeping for the pieces of me that will never know anything other than your name..

one way or the other I told you we'd set the world on fire ~ I leave you my heart in the smoldering ashes ~ shattered & buried neath our broken dreams

Before you doubt Love, doubt your own limitations. ~ Sean Harrison

rapture.

in the whispers of the universe our souls made promises to eternity ~ scared vows as mortals we could not keep ~ I carved the alchemy of my heart's mourning on the trembling lips of lovers dancing in the marble.d walls of heaven

i dream. sometimes i think that’s the only right thing to do. to dream, to live in the world of dreams. ~ haruki murakami

you were supposed to be the boy I fell in love with.. spent the rest of my life with. not this.

what is it about the human condition that causes us to crave emotional pain? & what happens when in doing so it becomes a sabotaging of one's self? is a reconditioning of mind in order? what if upon awakening we discover our strife is all self inflicted? pain is inevitable. suffering is optional.

breaking .isis.

we played with colors of a dying rainbow
& painted laughter on silvered autumn stars swirling in delicate patterns of hope in chaos,
stellar giants whos mouths knew too much of muted heavens & ravenous nights

they play down under the alters of sunsets,
dancing in mourning reveries where we used to worship love
& left it drowning in the ink of lavender skies

note to self.

turn your fear into curiosity.

I wish we'd met when I thought I could fly; when you believed in magic. I wish we'd met before the world stripped us of our innocence. ~ Heather Grace Stewart

I had a few moments of peace yesterday..

say hell~o to me. xx

...

I 'spose I dont mind the pain so much. it reminds me I'm still alive..

fairytale lovers ~ now broken strangers passing ~ where did we go wrong..

st joseph's.

one way or the other I told you we'd set the world on fire ~ I leave you my heart in the smoldering ashes ~ shattered & buried neath our broken dreams

no one has ever shaken me quite like this..

was it worth it?

the chances we took for the love we made? I cant fight this sinking feeling in my chest. the second my mind returns to the thought of what happened I break down. I can barely function through the day it hurts so damn much.. was the hope of a future with this man worth the friendship I've lost..?

To renounce all craving for what is not obtained unsought and to be satisfied with what comes unsought, without being elated or depressed even by them - this is contentment. (Yogavishistha Ramayana)

I just.. idk..

I feel so stupid. wtf. I'm going to ruin my relationship, one of the best things thats ever happened to me if I cant move on. why cant I just let it go.. I must be one of the worst girlfriends ever..

3 years & 3.000 miles

I feel like I'm at a growing point in my life. though terribly confused & constantly unearthing buried emotions.. I have been blessed with the love of an amazing man. a man who is & can give me more than I ever hoped for in a partner, in life. he's everything I could ever dream. so what could possibly be wrong? turns out somewhere inside me it seems I still have hurt connected to my ex.. normal I'm sure.. we only just starting talking recently after a blowout that had left me feeling like I never wanted to speak to him again. I've been able to move past alot of pain. I can look at & refer to him as my friend instead of my ex. but apparently theres something there I'm not quite sure how to label. we're best friend status. he wanted to add me again on FB but I declined after finding the woman he's in love with is also on his page. whats so bad about this? I didnt know but it bothered me. I didnt want see them talking. know anything about her. see her picture. what if she was prettier than I am?.. it felt like it would be crushing & all I knew was the idea of any of that bothered me, enough to still hurt. I couldnt figure out why until my bf pointed out to me that I was jealous. 'jealous?' I scoffed... ....holy hell. ...I am jealous.

'why god, why?!' over 3 damn years of being in love with my ex, 2 breakups & numerous heartaches.. all I want to do is be done with it. I've finally found the perfect man for me. mind you any lesser man would have bolted at the news of his love being jealous over her ex's new flame. but this one... words will never be able to describe how incredible he is, what his heart & love mean to me. I've been waiting my entire life to find a love like this. so why in the hell would I be jealous? am I upset that my ex loves her the way I wanted so desperately for him to love me? maybe. probably. I dont know.. I do find peace in knowing my last relationship could never compare to my current one. my love nurtures my mind, heart & soul. not something I could say before. but as my bf said to me, if I cant find a way to work past my feelings & hurt from my last relationship then we dont have a shot in hell.

I love my boyfriend. to the depths of me I never imagined possible & I want to shout it to the world. how horribly clique I know. I know no words will ever compare to my emotions. this noted, dear universe, bring me solace in my pain. let me move forward. let me make my love a gift to the world as it has been a gift to me.