you had always only stuck your foot in the door when I was repeatedly slamming my heart in it

And I, infinitesima­l being,
drunk with the great starry
void,
likeness, image of
mystery,
I felt myself a pure part
of the abyss,
I wheeled with the stars,
my heart broke loose on the wind.
― Pablo Neruda

Let me sit here on the threshold of two worlds, lost in the eloquence of silence. - Rumi

“If you hold back on the emotions–if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them—you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. I thought about how often this was needed in every day life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don’t let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry.. Or how feel a surge of love for a partner but we don’t say anything because we’re frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship”
— Morrie Schwartz

“But we are alone, darling child, terribly, isolated each from the other; so fierce is the world’s ridicule we cannot speak or show our tenderness; for us, death is stronger than life, it pulls like a wind through the dark, all our cries burlesqued in joyless laughter; and with the garbage of loneliness stuffed down us until our guts burst bleeding green, we go screaming round the world, dying in our rented rooms, nightmare hotels, eternal homes of the transient heart.”
— Truman Capote

its been a better couple of days.

tonight I laid curled up in his arms while he fell asleep. truth be told, I never wanted it to end. I just wanted to lay there for hours, burying myself in him.

me: I have never felt someone so totally through me. all the way to the depths of me..
him: you feel me all the way through you because you have wrapped your heart with mine in eternity.

The meaning of life is to love yourself completely, free yourself and others from guilt and become totally visible no matter what the risk. ~ Jim Carrey

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know ~ Ernest Hemingway

I fell in love with a dream that still wakes me, screaming..

hell~o bulimia, my old friend

its been a long time.. since the year before last since I've relapsed. today has been an emotional day. (theres the part where my bf laughs. cuz how many days havnt been emotional for me over the past few months..)

I dont know what happened honestly. maybe it the universe throwing me not being able to get a job in my face. maybe it was talking to my ex today.. with reminders of how I still think of him every damn day. & how it seems like now, when once I was his everything, that I may only cross his mind from time to time. or maybe its being at my bfs house alone tonight while he's out with his friends, me being sad & jealous that I dont have people to be spending my weekend with.

here I am.. alone.. & all I want to do is return to old habits. I've been eating today to fill an emotional void. now all I want to do is purge. I'm trying to stay in control, to be strong about this. but I cant help but to remember 2 years ago, when no matter what was going on in my life, how out of control everything was, purging was the one thing that made me feel in control.

I'm being strong. but I cant help but to feel ashamed of my binge eating. I feel.. so gross. but I'll be fucking damned if I cry another tear today.. not over this. I've cried too much in the past few months.

if I eat any more I'm going to make myself sick.

I'm stronger than this.

I have to be.

I am so fucking tired of *still* giving more of a shit than you ever did

(I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me
I won't let this build up inside of me)

have said these exact things/had this convo with my bf.. a few times..

all I ever wanted, was for you to love me the way I loved you.

you know when

your sweetly adorable bf is a nerd when he makes you watch all 6 episodes of star wars & pauses them to explain things. (so cute)

but

you know you're a loner/loser when your nerdy bf is out playing a magic the gathering tournament with his friends on a friday night & you're at home, online.. cuz you have no friends. ...

o.O

(sigh)

my eyes, a ship full of treasures ~ sailing alone, lost at sea ~ slowly sinking

so my niece that I worked with at my last job got laid off last week. I havnt worked in months. today she already has a job. F.M.L.

I just want to crawl in a hole & disappear.

everyone, even the bf seems to think its soo fucking easy. 'have you even tried?' he asks me. which makes me feel like even though he knows me better than anyone, not even he understands where I am right now. I've tried. I've spent hours online putting in applications for minimum wage pos jobs. for nothing. only promises of interviews that never happen.

he doesnt understand what its like to be so depressed you just become lost in this hopelessness. ...every time I've gotten my hopes up about a job I just get knocked down. I feel useless.. worthless..

the last couple days have been the best I've felt in months. only to end up here again.

'why cant you be happy with what you have?' everyone says.

some days.. I cant bring myself to do anything other than sleep. just because I dont want to face my reality.

I'm trying to create my own. the best I fucking can. but no one sees that. they all just see what I'm not doing.

he doesnt get it.. nobody gets it..

I feel like I'm drowning..

all you've become, a collection of songs, a playlist i only listen to somewhere after midnight, after rain, after too many glasses of wine.

("me with my red heart in the dark earth")

barefoot in the night, the coming restless stars; how, i sit with ghosts, midwinter magics, the darkening of the moon; a sacred thing.

the weight of knowing horrible things about a person so many seem to love; all the sad little reasons we endlessly tuck these things away.

a floating halo, a nimbus of fire & moonlight.

something in me is just darkened and heavy with grieving, moves with the slow meditation of waves. swollen with the ghosts of another city.

http://twitter.com/#!/undreaming

'don't fucking ask a person to bleed for you & then sit like a snake in quiet unresponse when they hand you their guts. seriously? fuck you.'

'the boundaries dividing life from death are shadowy & vague. who shall say where one ends & the other begins?'

Life has been some combination of fairy-tale coincidence and joie de vivre and shocks of beauty together with some hurtful self-questioning. ~ Sylvia Plath

“Do not lose yourself in the past. Do not lose yourself in the future. Do not get caught in your anger, worries, or fears. Come back to the present moment, and touch life deeply.”
— Thich Nhat Hanh

this year & the last couple months especially have prepared me for so much. its carved a spot of loneliness in my heart that feels more familiar now than it does painful. the last few years have been leading to this, something big, something drastic. I just wish I knew what. I'm ready for a new me.



30 Seconds To Mars ~ Capricorn (A Brand New Name)

So I run, hide and tear myself up
Start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

I will disappear
I told you once and I'll say it again
I want my message read clear
I'll show you the way, the way I'm going

So I run, and hide and tear myself up
Start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

I was almost there
Just a moment away from becoming unclear
Ever get the feeling you're gone
I'll show you the way, the way I'm going

So I run, and hide and tear myself up
I'll start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

So I run, start again
With a brand new name
With a brand new name

So I run and hide and tear myself up (so I run)
I'll start again with a brand new name (start again)
And eyes that see into infinity (with a brand new name)

I will disappear

“Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. Avoidants are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidants yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence.”

People with AvPD are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.

Hypersensitivity to criticism or rejection
Self-imposed social isolation
Extreme shyness in social situations, though feels a strong desire for close relationships
Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
Avoids interpersonal relationships
Feelings of inadequacy
Severe low self-esteem
Self loathing
Mistrust of others
Extreme shyness/timidity
Emotional distancing related to intimacy
Highly self-conscious
Self-critical about their problems relating to others
Problems in occupational functioning
Lonely self-perception
Feeling inferior to others

*sighs*

the memory of you is twisting my insides like a spider thats tightly bound her reluctant pray

& there, waiting for me neath the softest winter's whisper, was you

I can still feel you like ether seeping out of my skin

It feels like a precious wound, like a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good…We all want things to stay the same. We settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins.

Then I looked around this place, at the chaos its endured; the way its been adapted, burned, pillaged and then found a way to build itself back up again, and I was reassured. Maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, its just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it.

Ruin is a gift. Ruin IS the road to transformation.


Elizabeth Gilbert

Don't hide your heart but reveal it so that I might know mine too and learn what I am capable of.
Rumi

"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls."
Anaïs Nin

"Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts."
Edgar Allan Poe

lost, I wander silently through these memories & wonder how you are still the pain that shakes me

5 'o clock in the fuckin am & here I am. (self inflicted, perhaps?) victim to the pain of my past hurts once more. aint self preservation a bitch?? cleansing is in order, in one way or the other. I'm just not sure whether to throw myself in front of my emotional bus or not. face my fears, confront my demons & I come out stronger in the end for it. but by doing so I push away the one man whos ever been strong enough to handle me. ...he swears he'll wait..

he deserves better than all this..

I *have* to learn to love myself more..

...sometimes you have to rip open your wounds & crawl around in them. because once the bleeding starts the healing can begin..

Blaine,

I'm entirely too sensitive & have cried enough the past few years for my next 3 or 4 lifetimes. I'm insecure, stubborn as all hell & an emotional mess at times (more so than not lately). I'm my own worst enemy & as much as I love you I'm afraid I'll drag you down with me. but if you can be strong enough to survive these trips through my own personal hells with me.. & still want to be by my side.. I'll be yours forever.


you've been my strength all this time when I've felt so weak. no other man has ever been able to hold me up & show me the stars in such a way to give me hope when I've had so much trouble standing on my own. sometimes I think you cant possibly be of this world. maybes its just that your soul is so old & filled with ancient wisdoms that I've had such a hard time believing youre for real. all I can say is thank you for everything. thank you for being you. you are so much more wonderful than I think you'll ever realize. so much than your ex could even fathom or give you credit for. I hope she reads this, so I can tell her thank you for fucking up.

I've been looking for you ever since I read my first love story. & to my surprise youve been so much more than I could ever ask for. I'd be lost without you.

there isnt much that keeps me afloat lately. with the bf off to work today & my daughter still at her fathers I'm already fighting the loneliness, feelings of uselessness. he's one of the only things helping to keep my head above water right now. I know I need to find this balance in myself, but more & more over the past few months I'm having trouble doing so. not looking forward to this day..

the ghost of you still lingers round the corner, waiting to catch me with a noose made of your memory so I can hang myself

Perhaps some day I’ll crawl back home, beaten, defeated. But not as long as I can make stories out of my heartbreak, beauty out of sorrow. ~ Sylvia Plath

If the moon smiled, she would resemble you. You leave the same impression of something beautiful but annihilating. ~ Sylvia Plath

is this how it works? in this room the hours of love still make shadows. when you left you took almost everything - Bukowski

Somehow you don’t want to live just one life, which could be typed; tossed off in a thumbnail sketch, “She was this sorta girl..". ~ Sylvia Plath

What I need is a lover into whom I can crawl like some padded room. ~ Keighley Perkins

I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full. ~ sylvia plath

the ghosts of you still fill this room
like the pain that fills my lungs,
drowning me in the infinite wounds of your memory

when you left I became buried inside myself.
I gave you pieces of me I'm still trying to get back.
I hope one day, in another existence, another life,
we can be like we were..
maybe we'll be owls..

until then, I miss my friend..

“Unless it is mad passionate extraordinary love, it’s a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them.”

the moment you think you're better than someone else, it automatically proves that you're not.

this.

“People fall so in love with their pain, they can’t leave it behind. The same as the stories they tell. We trap ourselves.”
— Haunted by Chuck Palahniuk

ov sticks & stones & the way he breaks me

its frightening to remember his blood on my hands..
broken, he fell before me, heart hung bleeding like a romantic tragedy
...my halfhearted sympathies leaking through the cracks

he is so much more than I ever could have asked for. all I'll ever need. more than I deserve.

stronger than I knew..
he would have to be, to be with me..

so if the universe gives us whatever experience necessary for the evolution of our consciousness, I have to continue to believe that every person I come across plays a certain role in that. even if their time in my life is short.

james, you saved my life. for that, the debt I owe you can never be repaid. but I'm not going to play this stupid highschooler bullshit. posting stuff on fb & personal details on blogs. its childish & I'm over it. I'm not out to hurt you. but all this 'friendship' does is hurt the both of us. its a negative energy that bruises my soul & leaves me stressed & crying more times than not. if it honestly helps you to heal from your pain to believe I'm such a terrible person who just emotionally fucked you.. then best of luck with that. but I cant have this shadow hanging over my head. true we might not have been very close in the past but all I've done is everything in my power to help you. open up my home to you.. you said when you had your accident I was the only there, worried & trying to find out if you were ok. why cant you remember these things when you get lost in the darkness of your pain, thinking all I was ever trying to do was mind fuck you. ask yourself what did I really have to gain? after that night I spent with you that I had to confess to robert about you should know that I just dont have those kinds of things in me. it wasnt cuz he had some control over me, was manipulating or threatening me. its cuz I have a conscious. especially when it comes to people I care about. you *know* this about me.

I hope one day once you get past your pain you can look back on things with you & I & find the beauty something. whether its the way it was the first time you had felt something in so long, the passion we shared, or new ideas, concepts or beliefs that were formed that benefit you in the future.

until then.. but now our time has past.

so call it me giving up. me not taking the bad with the good or not accepting you as a whole. whatever you call, I'm done with it. I wont speak badly of you. I dont think badly of you. I just know theres nothing I can do to make this any better than it is. so yea, I wanted the friend option. but when you say things like that on your fb, knowing most people close enough to you know who I am, hell even a fucking bartender you hardly know you tell about me, who said as you quoted 'she sounds fucking crazy' then yes, that makes me done.

theres a part inside of me that hurts so much for you. it hurts for all the things you think of me that I'm not. & I'll tell you after hearing things like that again & again, people constantly flipping the fuck out, thinking I'm out to get them, it fucks with your head after awhile.

I know I cant make your pain my own.

dont think I wont think of you every single day for a very long time.

I'm sorry for everything, but this is just the way it has to be.

goodbye.

a deep breath from the ordinary
a starry eyed child of eden
falling in love with the magic of an innocent heart
a midsummer night's passion
resonating beauty
hidden in the crossroads of the universe

“They will say I smoked cigarettes and marijuana, cursed hoarse as a crow in all my languages, and loved morphine and Demerol and tequila and pulque, women and men. I will shrug my illusion of shoulders and answer that I am a water woman, not a vessel, not something you can sail or charter. I am instead the tributary, the river, the fluid source, and the sea itself. I am all her rainy implications. And what do you, with your rusted compass, know of love?”

-Frida Kahlo

“A hundred times I wanted to kill myself, but always I loved life more. This ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our worst instincts; is anything more stupid than choosing to carry a burden that really one wants to cast on the ground? to hold existence in horror, and yet to cling to it? to fondle the serpent which devours us till it has eaten out our heart?”
— Candide of Voltaire

“When absent, the body of someone becomes the negative space of the objects left behind. Tracing and mapping absence, shadowing the contours of a vanished presence, empreinte reveals the imprinted sensations of a missing being.” ~ Mathilde Roussel-Giraudy

devastation is all that remains of war
& the twisted metal of one dying heart

...he remembers the rage that ruined our childhoods
dead prayer offerings in hidden hands of malice

'into the red river & under the sound' he whispered
'inversion comes full circle behind the shadows of the damned..'

“Music is well said to be the speech of angels; in fact, nothing among the utterances allowed to man is felt to be so divine. It brings us near to the infinite."