Monday, April 19, 2010

When You're In Love

Is it better to play it safe or give it all you've got? I've found myself in a relationship with a man whom I've known for 2 & 1/2 years. We met online, dated for a few months in the beginning until the craziness in both our lives forced us to go our separate ways. We stopped talking for close to a year. During that time he moved on. I tried, but never could. Towards the end of December '09 we decided to see where a relationship would go. I've been in love with him since we met. He doesn't feel the same. This brings on a list of questions.

Because of how unsure he is about his future & whether or not or relationship will go anywhere from here, he holds himself back from falling in love with me. So he says.. I say that because I can't even begin to imagine how you can stop your heart from feeling anything, especially love. It's an emotion that's so free, with no rhyme, reason or even logic at times. Part of him is also not ready to allow himself to open up in that way because of how his last relationship ended.

Maybe it's because some people just are not as strong as others, as he mentioned to me the other night when he said that he just cant let himself get in so deep right now. But I think the experience of giving all of yourself to someone whether it works out or not, is a blessing to be able to have. After all, in my honest opinion, heaven isn't a place. It's the moments in life you live for where you're the most free. & that's how I feel when I'm with him. I cherish every minute I get with this man. Whether it's 2 hour phone call before he goes to bed, or a 30 second email or text from him just to say hello & he's thinking of me. I don't take any of it for granted. Before we broke up last year I thought he would always be there. & then he was gone..

I do believe everything happens for a reason. His absence from my life taught me a lot of things including that you never know how strong you can be until it's the only choice you have left.

Since December although I knew his feelings I let myself into this with my whole heart. I give him all of me. He mentioned one time he thought I should be holding myself back in order not to hurt so much if things went wrong between us. Though it seems to be human nature to shut ourselves off at times for self preservation's sake, mostly due to past hurts, this is something I could never bring myself to do. I live in the moment & make the most of the little time I am able to share with him. That way, if things do end, I can look back & know I gave it everything I could. & I can be ok with that. I can't look back on this with "what ifs".

I feel like I'm starting to go against everything I stand for & have said about my beliefs in love. I feel that if two people love each-other, nothing can stand in their way of being together. There will be some complications in the two of us coming together of course but mostly all it involves is me moving to be with him. Yet his pessimism about the whole thing has finally started to rub off on me. I'm starting to close myself off. Without even wanting to or being aware of it.. We had a another talk about where the relationship is going & since then it's like my heart is putting up walls without even asking me first. He's so busy he hardly has the time for me. He stopped returning most of my emails & messages. Lately even the texts are becoming less & less. So are the calls it seems..

How long can one really put themselves out there when only getting 25% in return? Knowing he didn't feel the same about me has always hurt, but I knew where he was coming from so it was ok. The last ex really did a number on his heart.. Now I'm starting to question how I feel about being in a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same way. Who knows if he'll ever be able to let go. His constant "grip on the reality of things" or pessimism as I like to call it, brought me to start to close off. Now I'm feeling a little bitter. Not towards him. Just the whole shutting down thing is making me.. the same way as he is about it. & I'm irritable, grumpy & more stand offish than what is normally me. I'm such a free spirit, an emotionally charged woman. & now I'm in a war with my heart & my mind. The holding back just isn't.. me.

Is it better to give all of yourself & live in the moment? Even though if the relationship ends it will make it that much more heartbreaking? Or is it safer to close yourself off? Keep up those walls just in-case. I'll let you know if I ever figure that part out.

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