life goes by way too fast these days..

dear universe,
thank you.

I miss poetry, friends, time with my daughter, mom & bf. I miss my safe zones. they equal spiritual death.. I know. but it was easier. the best things in life are hard learnt, yes?

I still feel you in dead ends of yesterdays

“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening[…]Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.”
— Alice Walker

everybody feels pretty in black.

minor deities by ness bloo

*^slam

there isn't a darker name for our kind of words:
off.kilter, sacred.shaken, blasphemous.
inevitable.
it creates a stumbling orphan,
awake at her first funeral
and who was she besides the thud
under your fist.



the smell of sabotage

standing on an apology
made of graves.
iris, iris,
what did you
see in the stare of last
lilacs


3rd attempt

that spring, he told me how.
to not fight about small things; they eventually bloom
bigger, like rosebuds, like water hitting pavement.
i said i always enjoyed storms
because they created imaginary bruises
behind eyes, like bolts of struck
lightning.

like rain on my face.


the colour black

when it did strike him, years later,
he fell down alone.
he'd been
taunting death too long,
and not only in his poems.....


that lovecraftian place

..........
i want him to not stop
.....
but if we had gone on, if we had dared,
on sheer buoyancy, we would have entered
that lovecraftian place
where stopping
only heightens the craze;
where the point
of contact shimmers
apocalyptic:
light neither of us knows is blindness.


closness

that was close.
they murmur, then count
off their small distances away from a drunk scene.
the swift electric current has seized.
the blue stones drowned them in their sockets.


RA and other small gods

thus the weeping endears her full
on his wide sly lips, helps her rise like a slain lamb
to more slaughter, next to the jackal.god, shaking
her mane of singed hair: what does he care.
******************
no....one...is aware.
as she becomes a child repeating the bad word,
and he is a god of the senses and
he wants to ruin her.
inside
the mind, a spotlight.
inside the spotlight............


trains and wreckage

we are smoke and metal, strange coils,
.. .. one of the shroud and one of the hurrying body.
this shape made by our turbulence finally is
a circle, collapsing and shrieking,
into the tunnel of vicious affliction.
we refuse to depart.

for once, if i can leave enough tracks,
i can hurt you back.. ...

:voice, God, simultaneous:


witness this

i chant...s low,
all joy and menace, closing in
on the debris, the bleak batik of bone
on one last expressionistic lipsplit.
nose to neck with viscosity.

and bumps, small
feminine circumferences, tight
and terrible; fingers to match a spider's
crawl, evil
in tint.

.................. .. .do i mirror you yet?


invoking latin

articulate fight.
unlearn every sound. soak it deeply.
every word i've swallowed grows, falters.
church is running late this eve.
mass held high.

ad Deum qui laetificat, juventutum meam.
no rest for the wicked,
from the needle.arm of twisted women.

i fear how you make me wind around the banister,
talking sepia over last suppers.
dies trae, dies illa. tantum ergo.

you bang my skull
against the rattling crib.backs.
dawn.
not even dawn will
make you fade from me, in blacking lustre;
even the ones i love,
in rosary cheeks and breastcrackedplates
just for this brief heartbeat,
..(pectoris pello pepulli pulsum es mortuus quod frendo..)
save me.
...................meus diligo
because i fear i will fade
in your hands,
die on us,
even as you recite,
in hope of resuscitation,
my actual name.

....... mary's breath, lily.of.the.valley, bleeding heart....


how to make a saint

white.throated me
thrown down
.
.
.
an army of mouths.
an array of murdered cleavage.

frightfully drawn,
towards four quarters .

there is no such thing as unmartyr'd faith;
so i pray mutely in your unrepentant ears.

I miss you Bruce.

never go to sleep angry or upset for any reason. it only leaves you feeling worse the next day.

I need you on my side.

“There’s this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It’s the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.”

The dark thought, the same, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each guest has been sent as a guide from beyond.

I saw grief drinking a cup of sorrow and called out, 'It tastes sweet, does it not?' 'You've caught me,' grief answered, 'and you've ruined my business. How can I sell sorrow, when you know it's a blessing?'

The cure for pain is in the pain.

We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust.

The way you make love is the way God will be with you.

Many of the faults you see in others, dear reader, are your own nature reflected in them.

There is no worse sickness for the soul, O you who are proud, than this pretense of perfection. The heart and eyes must bleed a lot before self-complacency falls away.

~ Rumi

his breath in my ear ~ 'I love you', in soft whispers ~ my heart in his hands

I hold stars in hand ~ for you to count wishes on ~ hope your dreams come true

we must learn to stand together as one against those who threaten our freedom or all humanity will suffer the loss of heart & soul..

dear Bailey,

I'm so sorry for everything that happened tonight. I hope when you grow up these will be the memories you forget. all I have ever wanted was to do the best I could for you. to always see you happy & for you to never feel pain or know sadness. an unrealistic goal I know.. but I would save you from every second of it if I could. I love you more than anything & there is nothing more important to me than you. I'm so sorry I couldnt stop your father from keeping you from me tonight.. I promise you I will do everything in my power & will not rest until youre back with me, safe in my arms. dont ever forget how I much I love you. more than the stars, more than the universe. because you are made of stardust. you are the universe & the universe is in you. you are love(d). you are my everything.

love always,
mom

"Take away love, and our earth is a tomb."
Robert Browning

today has been quite the day.. & I must say, in spite of some less than favorable interactions.. I am pleasantly pleased with the direction my life is headed. its been quite the year, with the loss of several close friends, unemployment leading to depression & spiritual lacking.. things have taken a great turn.

starting my new job tuesday. its been such a long time since I've really felt like myself. this last week or so.. I 'spose I have hitting bottom emotionally to thank really. it sent me into a constant meditative state. more present than I've been in months. my spirit happier, my heart lighter..I havnt felt this good about myself in quite some time. newtons law being what it may, theres nothing that could bring me down now. I'm stronger than I ever was before. I'm looking forward to start work, regaining my independence & even starting school in a few months. the ideas I've had in my head of what I wanted my life to be only seemed like fantasy for so long.

I've found more love for myself than I've ever had in the past. I must give partial credit to the love of a wonderful man for that as well..

I'm excited for what the next few years will bring.





haters gonna hate.



&

What causes one to become a psychic vampire? Believe it or not, most psychic vampires tend to have many things in common. Below is a list of traits that might indicate one is a psychic vampire.

1.) Very ill or sick as a child - Many psychic vampire report an extended illness as children that robbed them of much of their childhood. During this time the individual learned to feed off of the life force of others in order to survive.
2.) Abuse - Many psychic vampires were abused as children.
3.) Depressed - Many psychic vampires suffer from chronic depression. It is believed that draining the life force of others may temporarily restore them to a better mental state.
4.) High Maintenance People - Psychic vampires tend to be very needy and ‘clingy’.

Many psychic vampires are more specialized and deserve mention simply since the term ‘psychic vampire’ is so broad. Below are specialized forms of psychic vampires.

1.) Emotional Vampire - Emotional vampires tend to be of the evil variety and manipulate people’s emotions in order to feed. For example, an emotional vampire is keen on riling a person up with anger, simply to feast on the person’s energy. Emotional vampires are very manipulative and dangerous. Unfortunately, the majority of emotional vampires are female. I suppose it might be because so many men are stunted or repressed when it comes to their emotions, which puts them at greater risk of becoming a victim of these vampy women. Those emotional vampires who are not evil tend to be the people with the motto, “Oh, Poor Me…”. They always have a sob story and desperately need people to feel sorry for them.

^note that the above piece says that only most, but not *all* emotional vampires are women..

I honestly feel sorry for these kinds of people. although rare to come in contact with, if youre not properly prepared the effect can be quite harmful emotionally as well as spiritually. they are very well what their name states. I honestly believe because of things in the past out of their control, such as abusive parents, they become these bullies in the form of an emotional vampire.

from my research I found many stones can be helpful when warding off such negative energies, though some people state only bloodstones are the ones to carry. to raise your vibrations in order to deflect harm, meditation is also key. white being the shade that is most deflective of energies, when coming into contact with an emotional vampire, envision yourself surrounded by a protective shield of white light. I would suggest to start this exercise during meditation. smudging with sage is also a great way to help clear negative energies out of a space a vampire has visited. I also smudge myself after coming in contact. one article I came across suggesting turning your body slightly as to not absorb this persons negative energies. in doing so the energies are supposedly bounced off of you & back onto them. the article states this tends to make the person even more angry. & rightfully so I would imagine, not being able to release all that negativity they are constantly living with & in. then the person will change his stance, trying to face you directly. by keeping your body ever so slightly turned you can avoid leaving this confrontation with all of their bad vibes.

sometimes I think our shadows still dance behind forgotten memories at night ~ neath innocent laughter & the tears of a shattered fairy-tale

I've never been so.. exposed to someone before.. sometimes I feel like a frightened little child in his arms. I dont know why he loves me. he says I dont have to.

maybe one day, when I finally learn to love myself, I will.

how much do you have to constantly bleed yourself for friendship for it to be enough? my heart & my fucking soul left broken time & time again only to be asked what more I have left in me? why am I still not fighting? when is enough, enough?

I read somewhere that if youre tired of attracting the same kinds of people in your life that you need to forgive yourself for doing so.

after a while, the solitude becomes your friend.

I bloom in the darkness..

listen to me.
did you. ..
.... ..... . . ...ever once hold out for my heart?

~ Ness Bloo

two people so hopelessly in love, both scared to death of the heights they could fall from.

tragically beautiful, really..

Deadmau5: Raise Your Weapon

Rippin' my heart was so easy, so easy
Launch your assault now, take it easy
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon
One word and it's over

Rippin' through like a missile
Rippin' through my heart
Rob me of this love
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon and it's over

Love your ego, you won't feel a thing
Always number one
The pen with a bent wrist crooked king
Sign away our peace for your war, one word and it's over

Dropping your bombs now
On all we've built
How does it feel now to watch it burn, burn, burn?
Raise your weapons, raise your weapons and it's over

Rippin' through like a missile
Rippin' through my heart, rob me of this love
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon and it's over
How does it feel now to watch it burn, burn, burn?

Rippin' my heart was so easy, so easy
Launch your assault now, take it easy
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon
One word and it's over

Rippin' through like a missile
Rippin' through my heart
Rob me of this love
Raise your weapon, raise your weapon and it's over

Love your ego, you won't feel a thing
Always number one
The pen with a bent wrist crooked king
Sign away our peace for your war, one word and it's over

Dropping your bombs now
On all we've built
How does it feel now to watch it burn, burn, burn?
Raise your weapons, raise your weapons and it's over

true love doesnt die in the darkness. it comes crawling out on bloody hands & knees, beaten, bruised & barely breathing, but still alive

one day when you truly know love you will understand.