we must learn to stand together as one against those who threaten our freedom or all humanity will suffer the loss of heart & soul..

holy cross.

st joseph's.

vertigo.

1,000 steps & back.

ascending..

you might be surprised if when you look inside to find yourself instead you see me..

tainted, scarlet

skeleton thick & riddled with sin
she washes bitter hands in rains of broken glass
& leaves her dying hope rooted in the stars
she is a Mozart eulogy of vintage frailties
beauty in the dark,
slowly dripping down my trembling thighs..

spokane in ruins.

in death.

replay.

I'm in love with dream of who I want people to be.

sever.ed stitches

I'm beginning to wonder exactly how much of being in love is created in our own minds. they say you cant help who you love. I wonder if you can? far be it for me to claim I know anything about love these days except for how I believe its supposed to feel. lately I've fallen in love with the idea of being in love, with being wanted. once again stemming from my feelings of rejection from my last relationship. an infatuated affection from someone makes me feel so amazing I start to think I have feelings for them. but this only lasts a few days, maybe a week or so.. how did I become so focused on love when its the last thing I want to focus on. seems my heart has a mind of its own..

I know now that I am ok with being alone, that I dont need a relationship for approval of self or any kind of validation, I'm not codependent. maybe it comes from my introversion, only being able to connect with very few.. maybe its just a want to be wanted. thats why I wonder if these new feelings I'm having are just a manifestation of that. maybe its made me feel so good to be endlessly adored & loved by someone that I've created these feelings in my head. I say this only because had you asked me last week how I felt about this person I would have answered 'he's wonderful but I dont feel he can give me what I need intellectually, spiritually & emotionally.' but today we havnt spoken in 2 days, & it feels very different. I miss him more than I ever expected to.

so when do I get to find out if any of the feelings I have for anyone are real or not? stupid fucking heart..

so..

how in the hell did I end up the 'friend' to the ex that I still love, the 'friend' that has to listen to him cry about being in love with this other woman.. how did I become that? to top of all my 'whys' I now have the 'why not me?' built in.. maybe some people never see the amazing things they had until its too late.. because the distance is too much. because 'its not like you're right down the street'. one day, I hope to find someone who knows love knows no time or distance, no true fear too much to keep them from me.. someone who loves me as much as I love(d) him..

in the shadows of my mind I can still see her
ebony tresses dancing like a pagan goddess in autumn rains
porcelain face, rose.d in whispers
love like scripture, carved in ruins..

I wish

I never loved you.

my tired eyes strain in attempts to dream
though the memory of you still lies screaming..

looking back.