A Mute Requiem For Vanity

carve out the eyes of my heart
I should of left before it couldn't hear anything other than his name
& like ripping through tiny little stitches
a burning lilac breath
............& awareness fills my mind

behind stardust & whiskey
I imagine him & I under a moonless sky
in the foolish hope of a forever (kind of) love
dancing upon molten wings of fallen gods

...........like my love was strong enough to drown out the hollowed moans of our ghosts

but if this is love
I know now why the stars are bleeding
for my tired eyes ache
of deaf whispers from my lonely heart
I wish I was blind

behind sulfur rain
in a reflective haze, you'll find me going under
screaming paralytic
with nothing left..... .but the static ringing in my ears

Lilyflower.ed Photography

Lilyflower.ed

I walk motionless through an emptiness, hollowed
he says I rain down sulfur on his moonless nights
painting dreamscapes of how my tarnished heart fluttered
.............when love wasnt a self-consuming wound
& my body would melt with his
limbs entangled like a Mozart overture

& once I was an open ocean of vintage frailties
like the love I realigned in the heavens for him

now a horizon-less mo(u)rning
like Alice down the rabbit hole
& I can still remember all the things he never said

Favs From A Spokane River Shoot

*listening to
The Ocean - Untimely Meditations

Love Is A Self-Consuming Wound

I left my heart down by the river's edge



meet me there my love..

Note To Self

I am way too awesome to lose myself because of a broken heart.

In A Reflective Haze

every time my world slows down I go there. to that fucking feeling that I've been hollowed out. keeping myself from bursting into hysterical tears today at work was one of the hardest things I think I've done. clawing to keep myself together when I feel like I'm falling apart. well not falling apart but it sure feels that way when I think about him. so how do you find that balance of dealing with your emotions while trying not to push it all away. cuz I just cant keep going back there. that empty feeling. so how else am I supposed to let go & just get the fuck out of my head..

so because I cant control my emotions & heart with my mind & thoughts, am I the one making myself hurt? seems to be so by his logic. I understand to a point that its all about how you react to a situation but wtf? you dont choose who you love. cuz if you did, I wouldnt love him.

to steal & tweak a line from Jefferson Starship ~ "if only he believed in love like I do.."

I think all this time I've needed to love myself like I've loved him. I think thats a big part of me being the gray in his green. so now its me time. I've found a sense of self with this whole sink or swim mentality as of late. if I dont continue to focus on me & what makes me happy I'm afraid I'll crack. something I should have been doing anyways but I only just realized who I am (or should I say have been creating who I want to be) & what I want from my life. so maybe all this is a blessing in disguise. because I havnt been living, until now.

Of Ghosts & Sulfur Rains

have I been fooling myself?
the magnetic connection
click & spark
that electric explosion of energy between us
was it ever really there
or had I imagined it the whole time?

maybe I've been in love with the man I wanted him to be & he was just never capable of giving me what I needed
maybe I've never really known love at all & it was all just a self projection of what I wanted love to be

does fairytale love exist?


Behind stardust & whiskey
I imagine him & I under a moonless sky
in the foolish hope of a forever (kind of) love
dancing upon molten wings of fallen gods

*listening to
The Ascent of Everest ~ Molotov

Severed Stitches Photography

The Biggest Moment Yet In My Writing (scratch yet, EVER!!!)

My favorite singer/poet re-posted the link to my poem, Severed Stitches!!!
(I'm DescendingDown)!
http://twitter.com/otepofficial

Photos from the Prong & Fear Factory Show

Fear Factory



Dino of Prong

Severed Stitches

He is the soul of shadows
tooth & claw
Hooked & sank me

Once I knew love as religion
(blasphemy)
Now just a slaughtered dead language
Soporific synthetic

My eyes are screaming to shut

He thought he knew me like ebony skies
but under an ivory motion
sideways
with a sainted heart even the darkest colors bleed

Under Sainted Sedona Rain

.tarnished.
I know heaven cant be that far if I can see you in my dreams

In the undercurrent of an elegiac emptiness
I am breath.less

Neath the charcoaled murmurs of a broken heart
midnight winds whisper of love
a faun that should have never been trusted

* a collab with my niece Kristen Phillips
www.myspace.com/suzukigirlferril

Soporific Logic

Black crystal skies
I blow dreams in smoke rings

Hung off kilter
& carved
Drowning in the thought of you
strung
& pressed between my breath.less lips

D(r)ying Oceans

My heart, it bleeds..
& with every shallow breath
if there was ever anything
to make me not believe in god
then this was it
.......it never registered I wasn't supposed to love him that much

E.motionless in marbled white
& hollow hung
the vision was once so perfect
now scrawled in an unbidden logic on the lips of an alchemist

"It's Not The End Of The World." He Said

When I needed more of his heart than his mind could offer, he left. Just when I needed him the most.

Since then I've decided with the recent turn of events of us not talking, that theres not even a piece of me left that wants to be with him anymore.. The only parts that hurt are the ones that still love him & miss his presence by my side. The ones that ache for that kind of connection we had, or the pieces that long for a love to help remind me of who I am when I forget. I miss his laugh.

It was one of those "I love you but I'm not in love with you." things. "Love was killed for me, I'm numb to it & just not the same anymore." "I have to do what I have to do." & if he can honestly fucking look at me & be ok with knowing that one night while he's alone & thinking of me that I just might be in the arms of another man & that this other man would move mountains & realign the heavens just to be with me, & still be ok with the way things are, then he never deserved my heart.

When we stopped talking before he had told me it felt like pieces of him were missing. I guess it was never really me who completed his puzzle.

Yet with as surprised as I am at how strong I've become almost overnight it seems, I know now that I dont ever want to let anyone make me feel this way ever again. So I guess the question remains.. to risk or to not risk it all for love?

Dear Mr Fino

Love is not looking at someone & loving them for who you want them to be, but for who they are. I hope you realize that one day.

Orton~ish

pics

Just Breathing

things I'm learning & pondering

sometimes you just have to take people for who they are
& realize not everyone can give you what you need

my head needs to be stronger than my heart
I need to find a stronger sense of self

a love & connection from a real friend makes life worth living

things I am thankful for ~ my daughter & mother. my friends.
poetry.. I'd be lost without it
being pushed off the edge. its sink or swim baby!

p.s. *create my own reality*

its a shame

regardless of how crushed I feel at times, today I can lift my head up & know that there has to be one person out there for everyone. I feel this love so insanely all the way thru me for someone one else, then there has to be someone out there that feels the same.

His loss.

He's My Edward

I am a sobering grace
Victorian ruffled
under coffin shaped stars
in the core of where no one should have been able to shake me
but he did

Darkness falls
swirling dead colors in my tired eyes
& I am cradled in midnight dreams
of missing how he touched me

I am Bella.
Except in this ending I do not get to keep my love
I do not get to wake
(tongue in cheek)
chin to the morning light
to the warm taste of my lover's skin on my lips
...how he crawled under every inch of me

& in this ending
I wake scarlet twisted & numb
to the piercing sounds of my screams
& that sinking feeling of love left unbidden, in uneven waters
.unspoken.
& uncharted

Where I am today

this insanely beautiful amazing relationship. tragically star crossed lovers, heartbreakingly cruel ending. he says I love you now more than he used to.

if he can make love to my soul like that & just walk away then it really is his loss isn't it?

carve out the eyes of my heart

Bell Rock

Sainted Night

the temporary insanity of apathetic emptiness takes the focus off my missing pieces

it really only hurts when I breathe

( you ruined everything )

I tucked him away with dead colors
& wilted roses under the desert sand
in the only place he'd stay with me forever
my heart

Haiku

there will always be ~ an empty spot in my heart ~ just for you my love

Three Words

My tired eyes.

Trace

I buried my heart neath the ruins of that night

Fish Hook Smile

I break stars & night like the sky was falling

he's like a drug

withdrawals
& pitfalls

till I knelt there

screaming white &
.fractured.

Ephemeral Energy

I found myself under a pale spring moon
slanted
& fallen victim to my heart

fraying the shattered echos of mirrored self afflictions
a somber rush of fading green

I am entangled & drown
in the schism of a punch drunk love

Neon lights flicker in a droning haze

Giving my heart feels like such a weakness
(His breath on my neck)

I hope I can forget how to love you