every time my world slows down I go there. to that fucking feeling that I've been hollowed out. keeping myself from bursting into hysterical tears today at work was one of the hardest things I think I've done. clawing to keep myself together when I feel like I'm falling apart. well not falling apart but it sure feels that way when I think about him. so how do you find that balance of dealing with your emotions while trying not to push it all away. cuz I just cant keep going back there. that empty feeling. so how else am I supposed to let go & just get the fuck out of my head..
so because I cant control my emotions & heart with my mind & thoughts, am I the one making myself hurt? seems to be so by his logic. I understand to a point that its all about how you react to a situation but wtf? you dont choose who you love. cuz if you did, I wouldnt love him.
to steal & tweak a line from Jefferson Starship ~ "if only he believed in love like I do.."
I think all this time I've needed to love myself like I've loved him. I think thats a big part of me being the gray in his green. so now its me time. I've found a sense of self with this whole sink or swim mentality as of late. if I dont continue to focus on me & what makes me happy I'm afraid I'll crack. something I should have been doing anyways but I only just realized who I am (or should I say have been creating who I want to be) & what I want from my life. so maybe all this is a blessing in disguise. because I havnt been living, until now.