so soon we let our ego forget the times people were there for us. did you fail to remember you had no where to go when we met? that you stayed in a tiny hitch pull along trailer with your dog. I let you in my home, payed your rent and bought your food. so soon you forget and are all to ready to do and say whatever it takes to make yourself feel and seem superior to others once your ego is bruised. sad and pathetic, not just that but the way you choose to prioritize what makes you successful in life. how much respect do you rly think your daughter is going to have for you when she finds out you treat(ed) the mother of your child this way. what self respecting woman will have you. and how can you teach our daughter never to settle. to find a man that treats her with love and respect when you cant even treat your fellow human beings with such compassion. you really think shes going to expect anything less from a man when her father cant even treat her mother with due respect. you harm her more than you protect her, because you come from a place of anger and hate, not love.

for the record, this isnt me saying I'm better than you in any way. I am no more or no less than anyone. we are all one. we came from stardust, we all have the universe inside us..

some of us, are just lost.. I hope not just for your sake, but for our daughters as well that you find your way. cuz love is the answer, love is the only way.

‎”Over the course of our lifetimes, an overlay of fear, anger, envy, sadness, insecurity, and many other negative thoughts and emotions accrues and covers our beautiful inner nature. This outer covering is intensified and reinforced by our childhood training and experiences in the current life. We appear to be what we are not - angry and fearful people, filled with insecurity, guilt, and self-doubts. We have forgotten who we really are.
We do not need to learn about love and balance, about peace and compassion, about forgiveness and faith. We have always known these things.
Instead, our task is to UNLEARN those negative and harmful emotions and attitudes that plague our lives and cause us, our communities, and our world such misery. As we let go of these negative traits, lo and behold, we rediscover our true nature, our positive and loving self. It has been there all the time, covered over, obscured, and forgotten.”
~ Brian Weiss MD ~

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” ~ John Lennon

“The transformation of consciousness undertaken in Taoism and Zen is more like the correction of faulty perception or the curing of a disease. It is not an acquisitive process of learning more and more facts or greater and greater skills, but rather than unlearning of wrong habits and opinions. As Lao-tzu said, ‘The scholar gains every day, but the Taoist loses every day.’”
— Alan Watts, The Joyous Cosmology

my darling..

bailey, I love & miss you so much.. I'm sorry I havnt always been strong enough to fight for whats right.. but not anymore. I promise. you, & you alone are my heart..

Kelly Clarkson - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)

almost 10 years later and here I am. alive through things I thought would end me.. & never in my life have I seen such a blatant disregard for human emotion and lack of compassion. hell just over all fuckedupness in general rly. such ego, anger and hate. I cant even fathom living your life from such a place, instead of from a place of love. such a need for validation in being constantly right. heaven forbid youre not or your ego might bruise & deflate.. to think this is rly how some people define themselves and the success in their lives.. didnt you ever hear the only time you should look down upon someone is when youre helping them up? no?? ...doesnt surprise me rly.

I've come to a point in my life in which I'm happier than I had ever dreamed possible. it only gets better from here..


You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby, you don't know me, 'cause you're dead wrong

[chorus]
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone

[bridge]
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself, and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on, over you
You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You tried to break me, but you see

[repeat chorus]

[repeat bridge]

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'bout me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end

[repeat chorus]

[repeat bridge x2]

I'm not alone

..nimbus. by Ness Bloo

... .now
i am in fugue
across what i'm sure
some victorian poet
called the 'salt estranging sea'.


where those things
scried are conducive to symphonies
called daybreaking; a treble note
of being light. between the taste
of dead molasses and quiet murder.


a naked woman wearing my face
turns her eyes live like
winter, like civilization,
like poverty or language.

she and i give testimony.


and after, i become natural prey
for inhumanity; like grey pornography.
my body half the scene:
sizzling, half.strapped, whipped like a snail.
all throat and lungs.


shift blades, shift skirts. ...
and i supine, all opium and the only
smoker is dementia::
forgetful goddess
in my creamfilmy noir dress; cut.
it has been my one good dress.
i could bury my children in it.
go missing for days.
why i took it off never
matters; it wears me
down
too sexennial to be a little girl.


rosarium, obscene almost
with bog violet, unbearable purposeful
amnesia.
i forget what
i came
here for.


but it smells private.

i could drag the living
over the dying, no hide nor hair for myself.
.b.l.inking back rorschach and rohypnol.


i, a trellis of this
skeleton, blooming gunbarrels: clouds
of charcoal on the carpet, burn.
my pierced and gushing madonna on the rocks.
my beloved raped and spread for the mirror.


snorted
through this
vision, i fit
smaller, deeper, insider.
staring at the birthmarking.


scavenger's daughter: i know
the orifice of illumination:.
the transient fog on the morning
where i lay in the slightest
space, less than one, more than
too often i laugh at the ways to discount
a person. ....
a pox on the polished darkness.


something must be torn.
i rise along the skellig,
ravenous on the edge, awake
and awakening to open the blind.
find me closer and teach me
closing; losing
each suffornicating word.


belonging
invisibly
in the smearing
rain of impossible

:script.

“For he is ever a sun, and she a moon. But to him is the winged secret flame, and to her the stooping starlight.”
— Aleister Crowley

scared stones and the steps to eden

“I’m so good at beginnings, but in the end I always seem to destroy everything, including myself.”

The introverted woman is far less conscious of the full range of her affectivity than she is of her rational thoughts & feelings. ~ C Jung

The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers. - Deepak Chopra

Be aware of the place where you are brought to tears. That’s where I am and that’s where your treasure is.
— The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

just when I thought I couldnt sink back into myself anymore.. I feel I'm out of options and prepared to lose it all.

its only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything..

break on through.

The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.

Atisha (11th century Tibetan Buddhist master)

I can no longer say I love you with the numbness of my tongue,
nor the absence of my heart..

Aaron Freeman: You want a physicist to speak at your funeral

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him/her that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let him/her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her/his eyes, that those photons created within her/him constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly.

”Be ground. Be crumbled, so wildflowers will come up where you are. You’ve been stony for too many years. Try something different. Surrender.”

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”

the way you make love is the way god will be with you