I'll find you..

“I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with life. This ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our most melancholy propensities; for is there anything more stupid than to be eager to go on carrying a burden which one would gladly throw away, to loathe one’s very being and yet to hold fast, to fondle the snake that devours us until it has eaten our hearts away?”

There used to be poems in you
that you would beg me to read,
bending your body over me like a shell,

but, now, another tears the poems from your bones
while I still carry your sonnets on my skin
like a Rorshach test of regret.

~ Keighley Perkins

“We are the legacy of 15 billion years of cosmic evolution. We have a choice: We can enhance life and come to know the universe that made us, or we can squander our 15 billion-year heritage in meaningless self-destruction.”

—	Carl Sagan

is it odd the only creature I've ever been drawn to spiritually has been this?

the pale tussoc moth.

so.freaking.cute. omg

forgive me.. 

Om mani padme hum

"The mantra Om Mani Pädme Hum is easy to say yet quite powerful, 
because it contains the essence of the entire teaching. When you say 
the first syllable Om it is blessed to help you achieve perfection in the 
practice of generosity, Ma helps perfect the practice of pure ethics, 
and Ni helps achieve perfection in the practice of tolerance and 
patience. Päd, the fourth syllable, helps to achieve perfection of perseverance, Me helps achieve perfection in the practice of concentration, and the final sixth syllable Hum helps achieve perfection in the practice of wisdom.

	Purifies	Samsaric Realm
Om	bliss / pride	gods
Ma	jealousy / lust for entertainment	jealous gods
Ni	passion / desire	human
Pe	stupidity / prejudice	animal
Me	poverty /  possessiveness	hungry ghost
Hung	aggression / hatred	hell

Syllable	SixPāramitās	Purifies	Samsaric realm	Colours	Symbol of the Deity	(Wish them) To be born in
Om	Generosity	Pride / Ego	Devas	White	Wisdom	Perfect Realm of Potala
Ma	Ethics	Jealousy / Lust for entertainment	Asuras	Green	Compassion	Perfect Realm of Potala
Ni	Patience	Passion / desire	Humans	Yellow	Body, speech, mind quality and activity	Dewachen
Pad	Diligence	Ignorance / prejudice	Animals	Blue	Equanimity	the presence of Protector (Chenrezig)
Me	Renunciation	Poverty / possessiveness	Pretas (hungry ghosts)	Red	Bliss	Perfect Realm of Potala
Hum	Wisdom	Aggression / hatred	Naraka	Black	Quality of Compassion	the presence of the Lotus Throne (of Chenrezig)

14th Dalai Lama

"om mani padme hūṃ", written in Tibetan script on a rock outside the Potala Palace inTibet

"It is very good to recite the mantra Om mani padme hum, but while you are doing it, you should be thinking on its meaning, for the meaning of the six syllables is great and vast... The first, Om [...] symbolizes the practitioner's impure body, speech, and mind; it also symbolizes the pure exalted body, speech, and mind of a Buddha[...]"

"The path is indicated by the next four syllables. Mani, meaning jewel, symbolizes the factors of method: (the) altruistic intention to become enlightened, compassion, and love.[...]"

"The two syllables, padme, meaning lotus, symbolize wisdom[...]"

"Purity must be achieved by an indivisible unity of method and wisdom, symbolized by the final syllable hum, which indicates indivisibility[...]"

"Thus the six syllables, om mani padme hum, mean that in dependence on the practice of a path which is an indivisible union of method and wisdom, you can transform your impure body, speech, and mind into the pure exalted body, speech, and mind of a Buddha[...]"

-- H.H. Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama, "Om Mani Padme Hum"^[7]

[edit]Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche

“When does real love begin? At first it was a fire, eclipses, short circuits, lightning and fireworks; the incense, hammocks, drugs, wines, perfumes; then spasm and honey, fever, fatigue, warmth, currents of liquid fire, feast and orgies; then dreams, visions, candlelight, flowers, pictures; then images out of the past, fairy tales, stories, then pages out of a book, a poem; then laughter, then chastity. At what moment does the knife wound sink so deep that the flesh begins to weep with love? At first power, power, then the wound, and love, and love and fears, and the loss of the self, and the gift, and slavery. At first I ruled, loved less; then more, then slavery. Slavery to his image, his odor, the craving, the hunger, the thirst, the obsession.” ~ Anaïs Nin ♥

“I will never be able to describe the states of dazzlement, the trances, the ecstasies produced in me by love-making. More than communion, more than any joy in writing, more than the infinite, lies in the unity achieved by passion. It is the only moment when I am at rest, that is the summit, the grace, the miracle.”

—

Anaïs Nin

“I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls”
— Anais Nin”

he blurs the lines between love making and fucking.

...I've tasted heaven from his lips. there's no going back. 

if there was anything of me left besides the surface level, once upon a time I might have posted it here.     

theres been few things to save me these days.. music is my drug & love is my tourniquet. 

“If you’re feeling frightened about what comes next, don’t be. Embrace the uncertainty. Allow it to lead you places. Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart and your mind as you create your own path towards happiness, don’t waste time with regret. Spin wildly into your next action. Enjoy the present, each moment, as it comes; because you’ll never get another one quite like it. And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost, simply take a breath and start over. Retrace your steps and go back to the purest place in your heart… where your hope lives. You’ll find your way again.”

'it feels like I've died 100,000 different times. I rise again but these scars of mine begin to show. (just leave the tag upon my toe..)'

~ Davola, One Second of Clarity 

She figured out that the only way
to keep from being frozen was to
stay in motion, and long ago converted
most of her flesh into liquid. Now when she
smells danger, she spills herself all over,
like gasoline, and lights it.

the cassandra by ness bloo

i suffer of passion.

as if i must slowly move like winter. white

going quiet, expressions; mornings so fragile, they rupture

me. i exist in you, in everywhere

else

and. .. . .

... my hand mimics yours.

a disciple for an hour.long angel

to the delirium               where

there are no angels. i am scared of everything.

and yet, it's not the cold that i fear or the hunger

of my growl, although i am a beggar at your threshold,

it's just that my fingers feel

strange.

i 

tear myself so easily, unpoemed.

to live to love you to lose me.

your eyes tucked in the dark of my belly.

i wonder at the window of the sea and if it, like we,

                         will remain foaming. 

in the flesh.roamed truth, i protect myself.

from the envious girls in corners.

i see them wearing summer's heat.

offering something more than 

handfuls; they siphon my skin's scent.

it must smell like you by now,. 

there has been much impatience in my body.

it rages on the end of a stick. 

and here i am in the birdsong,

demanding silence. my mind makes believe, 

like i know, the sounds must be of high lovers

in trees, flying and awaying from their tiny skeletons

because they must be, must be. ..

... ..sparrows that denied themselves

their own trembling souls, to slide only

undrunk, untasted, over a vulturing death,

half.stretched over half.light, half the way to eden. 

cling.

i breathe on the pillow

                                 words not yet here

i breathe on the pillow        words that could be hers 

i was the one who was dead in the waiting

water, was the one that imprinted air with my

blood. 

i trace the places you've traveled and i feel

their gravity. am i a ghost that can be smeared across

the bathroom mirror? where i watch you watch

me and what is it that makes me unlook pretty.. ... 

these things go graveling in me, you see

these insecurities tie me, to your eyes 

she whispers:::

something about moaning beasts

with great morning eyes and curves i cannot manage.

i try

i try

pushing  

i make myself a queen in a kingdom's bed;

lily to sheets, crusader to embraces, limping to martyrdom,

as if it were only a matter to gather the right flowers.

would that make me

                            the way you cannot cry?

would that make me forever?

if i died again, could i be. 

only

only

only

there

must not exist such a thing. 

i know you

are not disturbed by a woman's smell,

and you might very well love small fears;

but there are things.. ...

                                i want to hysteria

about how the seasons will change into murderers

which makes no sense, i am sure.

soon, the girl will come to a burning point

and i am afraid you will watch her burn. 

you will survive the massacre and adore the ash.

you will manifestly turn black from the beating of eyelids. 

/ 

slanted body,

as if a kiss uncrossed

and undescribable 

so soft it will destroy us.

and it isn't as if we haven't been this close.

i just need you closer,

nearer to, so you can hear, 

the maddening

this must be the reason

women moan, scrape, and arch;

we let someone speak through us. 

               possession is such as.

only

only

only 

have you heard me

yet

making myself small enough.

wild enough, and yet i still will

scry at you to see if i am

down to your bones

yet...............   

                                                    i fear you

             turning away. 

i will still find you standing

alone and surrounded                     and those girls in corners

searching for smoke                       so quiet in the disarray 

your fingers wide open in the wind                                                     and i will crush the world

i will shatter with proof.

i will go blind with ablution.

i will rush to the end.    

             writing only

of a voice, of shimmers, of loves,

of a million syllables that start

to speak but stop

afraid of losing, but writing

        only

that i counted,

barely moving my lips,

every time you might have said me

           without even knowing it; 

i must've given

more than birth

to this.               

     that is the reason for the screaming.

 fuck everyones idea of success involving how much money you make. I'd rather work for min wage the rest of my life, living pay check to paycheck and be happy with who I am than have a career and b a miserable, secretly self loathing, possible closet gay, disrespectful fucking asshole like you.

youre fucking pathetic. 

“Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.

It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.”

‎"Meditation is not a solution of any problem in particular; it solves nothing. It simply helps you to get rid of the mind, the problem-creator. It simply helps you to slip out of the mind like a snake slips out of the old skin. Once you know you are not the mind the great transcendence has happened. Suddenly all problems become insignificant; slowly, slowly they evaporate. You are left with a profound peace; a great silence prevails. This silence is the solution. This peace is the answer, the answer of all answers." Osho

“Be wild, crazy and drunk with Love.
If you are too careful, love will not find you.”

—

Rumi

 It's the meta-Poe version of his own life, where he's always trying to figure out the difference between waking and dreaming, living and dying, sanity and insanity. He's trying to get into that place beyond him.

john cusack on playing poe.

in death we seek to find the answers we could not in life. little do we know, suffering is a veil of illusion separating us from the divine. 

“So when we find a few souls on the same wavelength, who think the same, It reinforces the best within our own depth and how in essence we are different essences of the same soul.”

“One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman’s emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax…” — Osho

“Whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world.” — Eckhart Tolle

“There is nothing rational about love. Love, love stutters when it gets nervous, love trips over its own shoelaces, love is clumsy and my heart refuses to wear a helmet.”

the embodiment of love, the universe.

use love as a tourniquet.

"Why We Shout In Anger"

A Hindu saint who was visiting river Ganges to take bath found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other. He turned to his disciples smiled 'n asked.
'Why do people shout in anger shout at each other?'
Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout.'
'But, why should you shout when the other person is just next to you? You can as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner.' asked the saint
Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the other disciples. Finally the saint explained,
'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other to cover that great distance.
What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either nonexistent or very small...'
The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper 'n they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other 'n that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'
He looked at his disciples 'n said
'So when you argue do not let your hearts get distant, Do not say words that distance each other more, Or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.'

Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you. — Carl Jung

the universe will allow you to be lost until you are no longer blind. this is your test. this is your gift.

“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.”
— Rumi

“This place is a dream. Only a sleeper considers it real. Then death comes like dawn, and you wake up laughing at what you thought was your grief.”

“Study me as much as you like, you will never know me, for I differ a hundred ways from what you see me to be. Put yourself behind my eyes, and see me as I see myself, for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see.”
— Rumi

“Surround yourself with a seedy coffeehouse of intoxicated gods and their infidel poet-priests and poet-priestesses. Develop a working relationship with that stunning, bewildering, driving source of mad desire and infinite depth: the world itself whispering lovely things to you constantly.”

“When I am silent, I have thunder hidden inside.”
— Rumi

‎"Prayer is a flower, the ultimate flowering of consciousness. There is nothing higher than that, it is love at its crescendo." Osho

so soon we let our ego forget the times people were there for us. did you fail to remember you had no where to go when we met? that you stayed in a tiny hitch pull along trailer with your dog. I let you in my home, payed your rent and bought your food. so soon you forget and are all to ready to do and say whatever it takes to make yourself feel and seem superior to others once your ego is bruised. sad and pathetic, not just that but the way you choose to prioritize what makes you successful in life. how much respect do you rly think your daughter is going to have for you when she finds out you treat(ed) the mother of your child this way. what self respecting woman will have you. and how can you teach our daughter never to settle. to find a man that treats her with love and respect when you cant even treat your fellow human beings with such compassion. you really think shes going to expect anything less from a man when her father cant even treat her mother with due respect. you harm her more than you protect her, because you come from a place of anger and hate, not love.

for the record, this isnt me saying I'm better than you in any way. I am no more or no less than anyone. we are all one. we came from stardust, we all have the universe inside us..

some of us, are just lost.. I hope not just for your sake, but for our daughters as well that you find your way. cuz love is the answer, love is the only way.

‎”Over the course of our lifetimes, an overlay of fear, anger, envy, sadness, insecurity, and many other negative thoughts and emotions accrues and covers our beautiful inner nature. This outer covering is intensified and reinforced by our childhood training and experiences in the current life. We appear to be what we are not - angry and fearful people, filled with insecurity, guilt, and self-doubts. We have forgotten who we really are.
We do not need to learn about love and balance, about peace and compassion, about forgiveness and faith. We have always known these things.
Instead, our task is to UNLEARN those negative and harmful emotions and attitudes that plague our lives and cause us, our communities, and our world such misery. As we let go of these negative traits, lo and behold, we rediscover our true nature, our positive and loving self. It has been there all the time, covered over, obscured, and forgotten.”
~ Brian Weiss MD ~

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” ~ John Lennon

“The transformation of consciousness undertaken in Taoism and Zen is more like the correction of faulty perception or the curing of a disease. It is not an acquisitive process of learning more and more facts or greater and greater skills, but rather than unlearning of wrong habits and opinions. As Lao-tzu said, ‘The scholar gains every day, but the Taoist loses every day.’”
— Alan Watts, The Joyous Cosmology

my darling..

bailey, I love & miss you so much.. I'm sorry I havnt always been strong enough to fight for whats right.. but not anymore. I promise. you, & you alone are my heart..

Kelly Clarkson - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)

almost 10 years later and here I am. alive through things I thought would end me.. & never in my life have I seen such a blatant disregard for human emotion and lack of compassion. hell just over all fuckedupness in general rly. such ego, anger and hate. I cant even fathom living your life from such a place, instead of from a place of love. such a need for validation in being constantly right. heaven forbid youre not or your ego might bruise & deflate.. to think this is rly how some people define themselves and the success in their lives.. didnt you ever hear the only time you should look down upon someone is when youre helping them up? no?? ...doesnt surprise me rly.

I've come to a point in my life in which I'm happier than I had ever dreamed possible. it only gets better from here..


You know the bed feels warmer
Sleeping here alone
You know I dream in color
And do the things I want

You think you got the best of me
Think you've had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby, you don't know me, 'cause you're dead wrong

[chorus]
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone

[bridge]
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself, and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

You heard that I was starting over with someone new
They told you I was moving on, over you
You didn't think that I'd come back
I'd come back swinging
You tried to break me, but you see

[repeat chorus]

[repeat bridge]

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'bout me
You know in the end the day you left was just my beginning
In the end

[repeat chorus]

[repeat bridge x2]

I'm not alone

..nimbus. by Ness Bloo

... .now
i am in fugue
across what i'm sure
some victorian poet
called the 'salt estranging sea'.


where those things
scried are conducive to symphonies
called daybreaking; a treble note
of being light. between the taste
of dead molasses and quiet murder.


a naked woman wearing my face
turns her eyes live like
winter, like civilization,
like poverty or language.

she and i give testimony.


and after, i become natural prey
for inhumanity; like grey pornography.
my body half the scene:
sizzling, half.strapped, whipped like a snail.
all throat and lungs.


shift blades, shift skirts. ...
and i supine, all opium and the only
smoker is dementia::
forgetful goddess
in my creamfilmy noir dress; cut.
it has been my one good dress.
i could bury my children in it.
go missing for days.
why i took it off never
matters; it wears me
down
too sexennial to be a little girl.


rosarium, obscene almost
with bog violet, unbearable purposeful
amnesia.
i forget what
i came
here for.


but it smells private.

i could drag the living
over the dying, no hide nor hair for myself.
.b.l.inking back rorschach and rohypnol.


i, a trellis of this
skeleton, blooming gunbarrels: clouds
of charcoal on the carpet, burn.
my pierced and gushing madonna on the rocks.
my beloved raped and spread for the mirror.


snorted
through this
vision, i fit
smaller, deeper, insider.
staring at the birthmarking.


scavenger's daughter: i know
the orifice of illumination:.
the transient fog on the morning
where i lay in the slightest
space, less than one, more than
too often i laugh at the ways to discount
a person. ....
a pox on the polished darkness.


something must be torn.
i rise along the skellig,
ravenous on the edge, awake
and awakening to open the blind.
find me closer and teach me
closing; losing
each suffornicating word.


belonging
invisibly
in the smearing
rain of impossible

:script.

“For he is ever a sun, and she a moon. But to him is the winged secret flame, and to her the stooping starlight.”
— Aleister Crowley

scared stones and the steps to eden

“I’m so good at beginnings, but in the end I always seem to destroy everything, including myself.”

The introverted woman is far less conscious of the full range of her affectivity than she is of her rational thoughts & feelings. ~ C Jung

The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers. - Deepak Chopra

Be aware of the place where you are brought to tears. That’s where I am and that’s where your treasure is.
— The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

just when I thought I couldnt sink back into myself anymore.. I feel I'm out of options and prepared to lose it all.

its only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything..

break on through.

The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances.

Atisha (11th century Tibetan Buddhist master)

I can no longer say I love you with the numbness of my tongue,
nor the absence of my heart..

Aaron Freeman: You want a physicist to speak at your funeral

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him/her that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let him/her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her/his eyes, that those photons created within her/him constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly.