well fuck me.. one day, I just wont give a shit about anyone I swear. then the next time someone walks away I wont wake up every morning wanting to burst into tears.

one day..

I miss you..

'Love takes off the masks we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within' ~ James Baldwin

abandoned in thorton.

no matter how closed off I become idk that I'll ever get used to it being so easy for people just to shut me out of their lives. I think thats probably what hurts the most about all this. its just so easy to walk away & go about their lives..

when do I get to be the one that doesnt hurt over it?

I think that was the last time I'll ever expect anyone to stick around.

expectation is the root of all disappointment..

I cant believe I'm surprised at how much it hurts..

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

a healing relationship is based on awareness; in it both partners work to break old habits promoting suffering. they have to walk a fine line because compassion means that you appreciate the suffering someone else is experiencing, as well as your own. yet as the same time there has to be detachment, making sure that suffering, no matter how real, isnt the dominant reality. the attitudes that make for a healing relationship become part of a vision you hold for yourself & the other person.

I'm trying not to make the same mistakes you did..

30 Seconds to Mars: Capricorn

So I run, hide and tear myself up
Start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

I will disappear
I told you once and I'll say it again
I want my message read clear
I'll show you the way, the way I'm goin'

So I run, hide and tear myself up
Start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

I was almost there
Just a moment away from becoming unclear
Ever get the feeling you're gone
I'll show you the way, the way I'm goin'

So I run, hide and tear myself up
I'll start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity, into infinity

So I run
Start again
With a brand new name
With a brand new name

(So I run)
So I run and hide and tear myself up
(Start again)
Start again with a brand new name
(With a brand new name)
And eyes that see into infinity, into infinity
(With a brand new name)

I will disappear

its funny how people that are so afraid to be disposable are so quick to shut you out of their lives.

cutting all ties on the web, even blocking me on fb..

now whos disposable..?



you'll never have any idea of the damage you've caused..

We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. ~ Dr. Seuss

white fucking flag. raising my barriers again, I'm done. after being accused of being many things I am not by multiple 'friends' & 'family' over the last few years who were supposed to be closer to me than anyone I'm fucking done with people. anyone thats not already in my soft spots gets shut the fuck out. I'm done being passive little loving hippy girl who just brushes everything off in order to save the peace & avoid confrontation while everyone else does a 180 & talks shit to smear my name so they can save their own.

FUCK EVERYONE.

james.

I'm tired of jumping through fuckin hoops to make you happy & keep our friendship. cutting my losses. surprise surprise.

when you assume it makes you a what?

fuck you.

.done.

time warp.ed

I feel at war with my heart over what it wants & what it deserves..

he came to see me last night. his presence has been quite the comfort since my breakup. its been such a wonderful distraction. he's made me feel amazing. they say laughter is the best medicine.. & being with him is freeing..

last night as we lay on my couch watching a movie I found myself in the oddest of places in my head. he was on the other side, head rested on a pillow. all my mind could think in that moment staring at him was 'robert used to use that pillow.'. & suddenly there was a flood of memories that seemed to be infinite.. why did it even bother me at all? I couldnt figure it out then & today I'm still not sure what to make of it. all I know is I felt like this moment was intruding on my hearts territory, its memories.. granted nothing about him being here felt wrong. but now I see I viewed it almost as a child who had lost a parent. eventually the other parent moves on, finds the courage to love again. & this new interest moves in the house only to take the place of everything that had previously belonged to someone else. when from a child's view, they had no right to do so.

its like my heart doesnt want to move on, though I am & have accepted things for what they are.

here I have a man that could seemingly give me everything & all my heart can do is see him as some intrusive step-parent. or so it seems..

not that this changes anything.. but I need a place to sort & put these thoughts..



'one day I will teach my heart to sing the melody of another love instead of the static lullaby of regret I've branded on my tongue for you..'

'To love a woman is to love the way she transgresses the boundaries of time and space in order to pierce right through you.'

I can still feel his ghost..
whiskey soaked love straight, no chaser
thats where I drown myself..

love heals all wounds.

I used to find memories of him & I so very painful. especially when he was the last thought I wanted to cross my mind. the universe has a funny way of throwing stuff in your face & making you deal with it. for this I can be thankful. the memories have become freeing.. I can process.. & move on..

'All that dies and disappears in the name of Love is not Love. Love is forever. Love cannot die. Love destroys Death itself.'

When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted,
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this!

The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow;
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame:
I hear thy name spoken
And share in its shame.

They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shudder comes o’er me -
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee
Who knew thee too well:
Long, long shall I rue thee
Too deeply to tell.

In secret we met
In silence I grieve
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive.
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee? -
With silence and tears

~ Lord Byron

its amazing how once your judgment stops, the judgment of others ceases to bother you..

there are days I can wake & not cry at the first thought of you
I can smile like I've been breathing since you left
days I can open my eyes to a life of never loving you
& I can laugh like my heart isnt lying here breaking..

Joe Bonamassa - Dust Bowl

[Verse 1:]
I'm gonna make my own way
I'm gonna head downtown
Walk around, settle down,
Find me a proper drink
Don't need a helmet
To get me through life
I walk across the water
Blame it on foolish pride

[Chorus:]
Lifting me up
Tearing me down
All you give me is indecision
the classic run-around
Bringing me higher
Keeping me whole
Now I feel like I'm living
Living in a Dust Bowl

[Verse 2:]
Diamonds and pearls
You're that kind of girl
You size me up, to break me down
While you're sipping on your crown royal
I'll give you shelter
Babe, it's your call
It's hard to find truth within
When you're living in your own zone

[Chorus:]
Lifting me up
Tearing me down
All you give me is indecision
the classic run-around
Bringing me higher
Keeping me whole
Now I feel like I'm living
Living in a Dust Bowl

[Guitar Solo]

[Verse 3:]
Pride and deception
The same kind of pain
And all that's left for me to lose
Is meant for you to gain
Playing it close
Stealing your time
But who cares anyway?
I've gone the extra mile

[Chorus:]
Lifting me up
Tearing me down
All you give me is indecision
the classic run-around
Bringing me higher
Keeping me whole
Now I feel like I'm living
Living in a Dust Bowl

emotional death, please come quickly. the man I fell in love with is no longer who he is. that man is dead. my feelings now need to follow suit..

'There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn’t expect you to understand that or even believe it, but trust me, there are some loves that don’t go away. And maybe that makes them crazy but we all should be lucky enough to end up with somebody who has a little of that insanity, someone who never lets go, someone who cherishes you forever.'

they say love heals the wounds left by old loves.

love begets love.

...

I was gonna post something like

if I don't feel I can truly feel myself with anyone, does that mean I have to be myself, with myself..more?

then I remembered, if anyone read it & did care, I'm sure theyre tired of poor little broken hearted dark girl. searching for herself, sense of belonging & peace.

I'm tired of her.


embrace your quirks. they make you unique & precious. what if I dont want to feel so unique?

fuck it. internalize. whatever.


it was odd to see him yesterday. in all honestly I look back now & feel like a little frightened child running from my emotional schoolyard bully. now it seems almost like a dream. the one person I had loved more than anything, he knew me. not like anyone else does. & all I could do turn & walk away in fear. half hoping he didnt see me. like he would know it was me & I could be so casual to just wave & be all 'just stoppin by cuz I was around the area' with him as it seems after everything he actually could be with me..


I'm tired of being the only one that gives a shit.





even after I shut everything else out, this will forever be the one place I can hope to put my thoughts & feelings & have them mean something, to someone, anyone, one day.

...everyone has to have some kinda of blind faith..right? ?


...

MACHINE HEAD - Descend The Shades Of Night

I'm sitting in the empty black
The last slivers of dusk have passed
Accept the dawn to ease the fear
One day I will not be here
As she comes and with her thread
Upon me ties a mask for dead
Tears of blood begin to seep
Bleed the sky
The shades of night, Descend!

Descend the shades of night
Death shines her golden light
Across a blackened sky
All our hate is a product of a world...
We created

Ashen clouds obscure my brain
Doubts begin to turn to shame
Insecureness tears at bliss
I hate me for this weakness
Faith drives me to carry on
And take the road less traveled on
Resentment swallowed means to drown
The poison down
The shades of night descend

Descend the shades of night
Death shines her golden light
Across a blackened sky
All our hate is a product of a world...
We created

Scream with me
Bleed with me
Seethe with me
Sing with me

Why me?!
Why me?!
Why me?!

Descend the shades of night
Death shines her golden light
Across a blackened sky
The shades of night descend

is it odd to be sad cuz youre falling out of love? maybe its just cuz it reaffirms the finality of things..

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against

friendship, like the immortality of the soul, is too good to be believed. ~ Emerson

robert & I.

when I found this picture tonight it made me both happy & sad. sad for letting go in way, sad cuz I miss my friend in him. I'm at a point where I can be happy with the good memories & try to let go of the bad. pain serves me not. as freeing as that may be its still not enough for me to contact him again. ....

I dont like it tbh & normally I would never post unedited photos (couldnt get it to look right. my eyes are too squinty & it looks like I could be a beaver. :F my nose.... >< :/) but these moments were the epitome of happiness for me. (at the time) I found a freedom in his friendship. one I need to now find in myself. its that zen spot if you will. absolute being. he helped me to open up places in myself I didnt know existed. I'm learning to live in those spots..

he was a great friend, one of the best, & even after everything... I really miss that.








I add this one... cuz I can..

they say home is where you make it. I never understood home is where the heart is as much as I do tonight. to be in love, is to be at home in that person. its a beautiful feeling.

like talking to myself.

is being loved more important than being understood? while part of me feels there are just a certain way things should be when it comes to love I suppose I should know better than to think I know anything.

one person. one person to get me, for the rest of my life. be it friend or boyfriend. seems like so much to ask.

I started thinking maybe I'm in this place again, feeling like no one understands me, having 3 of the people closet in the world to me leave to be pushed to the limits of myself. maybe I wouldnt feel so alone if I understood myself better.? the universe is screaming at me. if only I could decipher her barbed tongue.

'Ellipsis aren't periods and they aren't commas. They're broken thought, the trailing off as you look at her with emotion choking out words.'

why does everyone find me to be the sad little dark girl?? heaven forbid I compartmentalize my emotions, choosing which of my outlets is shown where & to whom. the last few years have been insane, totally & completely unreal. I feel like I've already been through a few life times worth of emotions & experiences. but I'm in love with life, as dramatic & beautiful, tragic, chaotic as it can be. laughing = freedom.


I feel like I'm seeing things a hell of alot clearer than I ever have.

the universe continues to present me with situations that need my attention. whatever I've needed to learn I havnt yet.

Gojira - The Art Of Dying

Breathing slowly, mechanical heartbeat
losing contact with the living
Almighty TV plugged, hybrid empty brain
don't see anything real in the game
The tension is building constantly
No reason just a reflex I have, driven by clockwork
I try to keep an eye open
And I realize I haven't closed my eyes in a long time

Neglected emotions lead to catastrophic voyage on the other side
I have been given so much stress and lack of confidence
I've been given the gift of so small hope deep inside
I haven't closed my eyes in a long time, I am trying

I cannot stomach these forms and colors anymore
but I'm here to continue, after all I have been through
I try to keep my eyes open, I am realizing
This life and death more precious than anything

I won't bring no material in the after life
Take no possessions, I would rather travel light
I'm of this kind that kills all day
but I don't know yet how to die

Art of dying, is the way to let all go
Within I practice in the secret of my soul
My shape in the reflector
has now for ever, a life on it's own

At conflict, when reality is the nightmare..

I miss you so much.. the loss of your presence from my life is more than painfully noticeable. its all I can do to let you go & hope you find your peace.. if it was truly the last time we'll ever speak.. my heart breaks.. & I'll miss you every single damn day.. I'm sorry I couldnt be what you wanted.. I love you so much..

you were the only real friend I had left......

‘in its highest expression, your love is so powerful that it calls upon god to show his (or herself) to you. the yearning heart finds ultimate peace by uniting with the heart of creation’ ~ Deepak Chopra

bleeding pink.

how do you define love?

Definition of LOVE
1
a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests

a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration

to be able to say youre in love with someone , does it need to last an average amount of time? if perception is reality, & in that moment & every passing second you feel that person running underneath your skin, why cant that be love. in love with someone to your core til the only thing you know is how to make them laugh again, anything to make them happy.. even if it doesnt last, a few days, months.



I'm rambling again.

I keep forgetting I have no friends left to read this.

unlearning & the book of secrets.

renounce your old perceptions

perception is the world; the world is perception

the world is in you

your life is a product of your awareness

on some dimension or other, every event in life can be causing only one of two things: either it is good for you, or it is bringing up what you need to look at in order to create good for you.

let go:
make the most of every experience
don't obsess over right & wrong decisions
stop defending your self image
go beyond risks
make no decision when in doubt
see the possibilities in whatever happens
find the stream of joy

instead of looking for sensory overload that lasts forever, you'll find that the experiences need to be enabled at the level of meaning & emotion

if you want to fully experience life, you must close the circle

it is much simpler not to have beliefs, which means being open to life as it comes your way, going with your own intelligence instead of stored judgments

in truth, suffering persists only to the extent that we allow ourselves to remain lost in our own creation

a healing relationship is based on awareness; in it both partners work to break old habits promoting suffering. they have to walk a fine line because compassion means that you appreciate the suffering someone else is experiencing, as well as your own. yet as the same time there has to be detachment, making sure that suffering, no matter how real, isnt the dominant reality. the attitudes that make for a healing relationship become part of a vision you hold for yourself & the other person.

I think about things tonight & all I can do is wish I could take on the world of pain he has to carry on his shoulders at this moment. love can be so cruel.

...I would carry every single bit of it for you if it could stop you from hurting. you know I love you. I'm sorry.

The Agonist ~ And Their Eulogies Sang Me To Sleep

All I heard was the sound of fish who'd drowned.

All I saw was the inside of my eyelids.

All I said fell short of reaching open ears.



Words floating, clouding the view...

'See no, hear no, speak no evil' leaves you deaf, dumb and blind,

Because the bad is all you'll find.

A deeply heart-felt goodbye to the part of me that died

When I decided to put others before me,

Yes, my heart fell asleep - boredom and fatigue.

I always said I wanted to die smiling,

To pretend I'm at peace.

Now from my corpse beams a frigid, blank grin

And once hopeful eyes are sunken in.



Like a lullaby to the cradle is the eulogy to the casket.

All my flaws swept under the table

To grieve the porcelain doll that was me.



Their solemn songs sang me to sleep as my body escaped me.



Such a shameful masquerade!

Fleeting, frozen minutes on display.

Why is evolution such a shameful thing to say?

Can you feel your bodily decay?



Because I can sure as hell feel my brain going blank.

If my body betrays me, there's pollution to thank.

This condition infects my cells like it controls my mind.

Internal army, defend me behind enemy lines!

Fragile vehicle of mine! Don't abandon me yet!

There is so much to live for that we so easily forget.



Fascination with the fear... The concept escapes me.

All encompassing fate...

How it wrenches our hearts, torments our souls

And sings us all to sleep to an eternal keep,

No matter what beliefs, it sweetly sings us all...

so... when do I get to be numb?

my heart hurts.

I want someone to kiss me with the passion of emotion & heart. not lust.

all I want is just one person to spend the rest of my life with. & even more than that.. a best friend. maybe I made the mistake of wanting both of those from the same person. but I thought thats what a partner was supposed to be?.. being a person that has a hard time connecting with most, when I found a lover in my best friend a part of me died along with the relationship. or maybe its just in hibernation, evolving.. so... if more than one person in your life (3) tells you that you get too attached to people whos to say theyre right. & fuckin shit whats the matter with being attached to someone who was supposed to be right there with you? & since when does being in love & being hurt over things make you too attached? maybe I'd save myself some grief to start thinking maybe nobody will ever see things like I do.

I write this now cuz with the loss of my best friend I'm feeling a bit lost myself. no one knew me like he did. so why does it make me feel so out of sorts to not have someone to share the deepest parts of myself with? I'm not looking for that closeness to know I'm ok. its more than just wanting to spend my time with someone. I want to share everything about me with someone who can appreciate it. to be uplifted. to find someone who frees me. as I write this I question if these are things I need to be doing for myself. & its not like that, its not for validation purposes. maybe I just dont want to feel so alone in the world. I just want someone to get me.

everyone is so caught up in their lives & has hardly any time. it feels like the deepest parts of me are just to be locked away never to be found again.

all I want to do is live, love. to be loved, to be in the present, just be. how do you enjoy the present with the people in it without being concerned itll never be more than that. I'm so tired of the bullshit shallow interactions. idk how I got these ideas of people being around all your life. too much tv as a child maybe.

everybody comes & goes only to serve their purpose in the moment. like life happening for you, not to you.

I'm tired of feeling like the only one in the world that has these values. & that, is what makes me feel so alone.